Humor District

Shows like Jersey Shore and American Idol dominate television these days, and there are a plethora of other reality shows with loyal followings. It does not seem like there is an end in sight for this trend, despite many people complaining about the lowbrow nature of reality television. The only solution to this is to come up with our own ideas for reality shows, which I have done. Expect to see these programs air around 2012.

We all know how competitive board games can get when we are playing with family and friends. Now imagine if you were playing for money. Possibly even a lot of money. What would you do to win? Picture This would follow duos of professional Pictionary players as they all try and win the World Series of Pictionary. Also, we would invent the World Series of Pictionary. As teams advance through the rounds we will see stress develop as Ashley realizes James can only draw stick figures, and Peter’s repeated guesses of “it’s a Jackal” lead Lois to alcoholism.

Cops was one of the first reality shows to gain a following and other shows have taken the law enforcement route to feed off of that popularity. One of the most recent examples of this is Campus PD, a reality show where the police from college campuses around the United States try to explain why they are real cops. The next logical step down the authority chain is to move from Campus PD to Ski Patrol. Here we will learn about people who dropped out of college to live on the slopes, yell at people to slow down, and the resulting depression when nobody listens to them. How will Molly cope with being the only female member of the Ski Patrol. Will Marcus abuse his authority and ski the back trails all day? Drama!

MTV knows how to milk its reality shows for all they are worth. As a result we will be seeing the old cast of Jersey Shore competing in various contests against the casts of Real World and Road Rules. Yes, this would be 2 on 1 because it is a well known fact that Guidos have the strength of ten men and Ronnie has the strength of ten Guidos. We will watch as these men and women compete in humiliating challenges such as dressing up like Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots and mud wrestling. We won’t be able to look away as the last of their dignity is peeled back by MTV. That will because the girls will wear bikinis at all times.

Homeless people from around the country will be brought into a house and cleaned up. They get to live in the house for 6 months and are given resources to try and find a job. At the end of the show, whichever homeless person is the most successful gets to stay in the house for another year! This will be one of those truly inspiring shows, like Pimp My Ride. The season finale is sure to be a tearjerker as the homeless guys who didn’t win realize that nobody wants to give money to a clean shaven guy with a suit and a nice haircut standing on the side of the road with a sign.

This show could also be Colorado Casanova or Charleston Casanova, depending on where the filming is done. 8 self-proclaimed pick-up artists would all be moved into the same house. All reality shows have to have people living in a single house to raise tension and create drama, especially when two of these guys try to pick up the same girl. Every night the guys go out into the city and try to get as many phone numbers as possible. Each week the guy with the least phone numbers is eliminated until a champion is born. Memorable lines from this show will include:
Later on tonight, I’m going to be so deep inside you the guy who pulls me out will become the King of England.
My love is like diarrhea, I just can’t keep it in.
You may not be the prettiest girl in the room, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Popularity: 2% [?]

I make it no secret that I’m not a fan of the Oscars.  I’ll go into detail more a little later, but to sum up: it’s clear that the average man does not get a vote.  When’s the last time a movie that John & Jane Q. Public actually paid to see got nominated?  If the Dark Knight can’t get a nod, what will?  But seeing as how it’s award season I thought that we could use a mini award ceremony that celebrates a forgotten genre: Action movies.  Sci-fi movies.  Adventure movies that don’t have hobbits in them.  But since I can’t afford a ceremony, it looks like this list will have to do.

1) Best Ass-Kicker – Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine)

I literally stared at my computer forever trying to make this choice, that’s how competitive it was.  In the end it came down to a simple body count.  So while I wouldn’t want to challenge any of these dudes to a life and death brawl, Wolverine has bagged the most bodies of the group, therefore he has kicked the most ass.  Sometimes it’s that simple.

Nominees: Snake Eyes (G.I. Joe), Bryan Mills (Taken), Rorschach (Watchmen), Razio (Ninja Assassin)

2) Best Villain – Mary Lee Johnston (Precious)

I know that Precious is not an action movie or anything of the sort, but to be frank about it…action villains were lame this year.  Maybe Joker set the bar too high, I don’t know, but the bottom line is no villains this year struck fear into the hearts of the audience…except Mary.  That b**** was cold.  I mean cold.  I’d pick her in a fight over nerdy ass Cobra Commander any day of the week.

Nominees: The Fallen (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), Col. Hans Landa (Inglorious Basterds), Viktor (Underworld: Rise of the Lycans), Jennifer (Jennifer’s Body)

3) Best Heroine – Baroness (G.I. Joe)

Yes, I am aware that the Baroness was the villain for the majority of the movie, but frankly she was the most interesting part of G.I. Joe and again…where were my bad ass girls at in 2009?  The truth is that the Baroness was a heroine all along, she just couldn’t be who she was meant to be because she was being controlled by some guy, and what girl hasn’t been there before?  In the end, she broke free of her controlling masculine — and I use the term loosely — counterpart and kicked a lot of ass along the way.  That’s a heroine to me.

Nominees: Ginormica (Monster vs. Aliens), Scarlet (G.I. Joe), Silk Spectre II (Watchmen)

4) Best Hero – Bryan Mills (Taken)

First you have to understand what makes a hero: putting the needs of others above your own.  Bryan was the only hero that dove head first into danger for the sake of his daughter.  He didn’t sleep or eat or rest until he found her.  He left no stone unturned.  Oh and the key point in all this, he succeeded.  No sequel necessary to tie up loose ends.

Nominees: Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Rorschach (Watchmen), Duke (G.I. Joe), James T. Kirk (Star Trek)

5) Best Journey – X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine was hands down the best start to finish journey of this years movies.  It’s starts with him in the Weapon X program, then he quits, suffers the repercussion and goes on a quest for revenge.  You learned everything you needed to know about Wolverine life before the X-Men in one movie.  And what an incredible ride it was.

Nominees: Star Trek, District 9, Taken, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Fast & Furious

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

For anyone wanting a career in journalism, Charlie Booker gives a few valuable tips such as:

Show a familiar location, then have the presenter walk towards the camera ignoring all the pricks milling around him, like he’s glidingthrough the fuckng matrix.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Toronto based photographer Ian Pool imagines the lives of superheroes if they were average people. In comic books and movies, superheroes are extraordinary people.

Awesome stuff, I personally wouldn’t mind a session with Wonder Women, ok second thoughts maybe not. She scares me, I reckon The Hulk would give it a skip as  well, not because he’s scared, he’s into eating guys.

View all the images after the jump, Batman’s there, so is Spiderman & Doc Ock, Darth Vader too – yeah a little confused about that one as well. Let’s not any questions and look at the pretty pictures shall we.

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Dr. Christian Troy from the TV show Nip/Tuck is one of the most sex driven men around. He is reported to have slept with 209 of the finest coeds at the University of Miami, and that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to his sexual conquests. Just because he wears nice suits and bangs nice women doesn’t mean he is a nice guy, as you will soon find out.

Christian had first met Darlene Lowell back when he was young and she was fit. He actually ended up having a daughter with her which he didn’t find out about until many years after. When this daughter comes seeking Christian, Darlene follows and they reunite. To put it simply, Darlene did not age well. She has definitely aged since the last time Christian saw her, but the main difference is the lack of legs. She lost both of her legs to diabetes. This would rank higher on the shameful list, but Christian sleeps with her after she breaks down about how unattractive she is now that she is old and legless, proving that he does have a heart. It’s just well hidden by his dick.

Dr. Christian Troy met Gina Russo at a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting. Christian Troy at a Sexaholics meeting is like having a lion at the crippled zebra convention, it won’t end well. Predictably, he sexes Gina up soon after. It could be considered shameful enough that he picked her up at a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting, but he last encounter with her is worse. At this point it is revealed that Gina has AIDs and a love/hate relationship with Christian. They talk on the roof of a building, she hands him a condom, and they go at it. The one of Christian’s thrusts pushes her off the building to her death in the form of gravity meeting a sidewalk. Not a good way to end a date, Christian.

The first bad part about Dr. Christian Troy’s encounter with Ava Moore was the fact that she was sleeping with Troy’s biological son, Matt. No, not at the same time. Even Christian Troy draws the line somewhere. You’d think it would be bad enough that Christian Troy slept with his son’s girlfriend, but it doesn’t end there. He uses his years of plastic surgery expertise to discover that Ava Moore is in fact a transsexual, as in she used to be a he. This happens as he is inside her. For those of you wondering, no, he does not finish.

Abby Mays was a woman who came into McNamara/Troy for some routine liposuction and beautification. She was not very attractive, to say the least. Does this fact stop Dr. Christian Troy from having his way with her? Hell no it doesn’t. He just decides to make her wear a bag over her head so he doesn’t have to look at her. That’s low even for him. The worse part is when she shows up for round two with the bag in her hand, ready to go. Of course Christian Troy doesn’t turn her down, and it comes back to haunt him.

1) Liz Cruz

This is quite possibly the most despicable act ever performed by Dr. Christian Troy. When Christian found out that he had breast cancer he turned to his longtime lesbian friend Liz for support. Since she has a soul, she takes care of him during his chemotherapy. Since she has a vagina, she sleeps with him. Christian even ends up proposing to her when he finds out that he only has 6 months to live and everything looks like it will be hunky dory. Then Christian finds out that his chart was mixed up with another and he is in fact healthy. He then proceeds to dump Liz, his friend who cared for him and whom he banged repeatedly. That’s just messed up, even for him.

Popularity: 3% [?]

As told to me by the ghosts of Hollywood’s past, present and future.

Past – Mel outburst will have no affect on his film, but his age will.

It use to be that men were ageless in Hollywood, while the women had a short self-life but that trend seem to be changing.  The movie going public seems eager to accept Carrie Bradshaw and her shopaholic croonies living the single life, Meryl Streep can do no wrong and TV audiences are buying into Cougartown, but what about our aging men?

Yes, Stallone is back in the Expendables, but he has lots of company, Indy had to come back with a son and Pacino & De Niro can’t seem to get the dollars up anymore (see 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill).  Could it be because women don’t have the same interest in the distinguished, intellectual and traditional blue pill heroes they once adored?  They seem to have their eyes glued to the young little sex pots now.  The Shia’s and the Taylor Lautner’s of the world.  Have the tables truly turned?  If so, that’s just disgusting!

Present – Spiritual movies are an endangered species.

I tried to make my case for their comeback here, but it seems Hollywood is making the case for spirituality box office futility at the movies.  As we speak there are three divine movies at your local theaters: The Book of Eli, Legion and the Lovely Bones, but none of them are having the commercial impact the studios were hoping for.  Legion is a B-movie at best, but Book of Eli stars Denzel Washington (see above maybe?) and the Lovely Bones is based on a popular book, yet neither is the blockbuster it was suppose to be.

Which begs the question, is spirituality too intellectual for the big screen — creating success only in literature — or is the subject just too taboo, turning off the religious and atheist alike?  It can’t be that people don’t like being preached to.  No, not with Avatar‘s success.  It can’t be that people don’t want to hear stories they heard a million times, see Avatar again.  So what is it that makes people shy away from blatantly religious movies?  Maybe it’s the over-the-top fantasy element of it.  Maybe, just maybe, people actually want spiritual tales without the creepy spirits.  You know, something they can actually relate to.

Future – the Criminal Minds spinoff will be a ratings top 10 out the gate.

I’m not exactly going out on a limb here, but with Forest Whitaker on board, this show is a sure-fire smash.  I myself just recently hopped on the Criminal Minds train over the Christmas break (oddly enough I first tuned in to verify my wife’s claim that Shemar Moore waxes his eyebrows) and I just can’t get off.  This is a franchise that will rival CSI and NCIS with Whitaker on the team.

Typically I only choose one: I only watch Law & Order: SVU, I only watch CSI and I only watch NCIS: Los Angeles.  But I’m watching both Criminal Minds.  Namely because the show doesn’t just switch scenery.  But then again, how could they?  Federal jurisdiction spans the entire United States — though Criminal Minds: Afghanistan does have a nice ring to it.  This Criminal Minds is suppose to be the “bad boys” of the FBI.  Profilers that don’t always “go by the book.”  Whatever, as long as they have psychos killers who could give the Joker a run for his money people will tune it.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 3% [?]

28 Drinks Later is a hilarious parody trailer that spoofs 28 Days Later to give a glimpse at the “alcoholypse.” Instead of a world filled with mindless zombies… it’s a world filled with mindless drunks.

The short was created for Nick Swardson’s Comedy Central DVD Seriously, Who Farted? and stars Nick Swardson and Simon Rex.

The premise is simple. Despite a thriving US economy, the Nation has fallen to and succumbed to the iron grip of the Appletini and my personal vice, Jagerbombs, and everyone… is… wasted! Check out the video below.
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Popularity: 1% [?]

BBC’s Planet Earth is a truly awe inspiring show. A lot of that is because of the narrators, David Attenborough, Sigourney Weaver, and Mike Rowe. The next narrator of Planet Earth is none other than Oprah Winfrey, rounding out a star studded cast. Who else has the kind of voice to narrate the majestic wonders of the world around us? Here are my top picks.

LaFontaine passed away in 2008, which makes it impossible for him to be a future narrator. This is a shame because LaFontaine had a voice that could make anything sound epic. If you have seen a movie preview than you have probably heard LaFontaine’s voice. His deep voice cuts through everything and immediately grabs attention, the only problem I could foresee is LaFontaine’s voice stealing attention from the visual aspects of the show.

Speaking of deep voices, nobody has James Earl Jones beat. Yes, I would like to see Darth Vader narrating Planet Earth. Again, James Earl Jones has the deep voice that simply commands attention. His rumbling voice would be perfect for describing volcanic eruptions and violent earthquakes along with the gentler side of nature. Like bunnies eating grass or something. As long as the voice of Darth Vader was describing it, anything could sound interesting.

David Duchovny has one of the most unique voices around. It is soothing and relaxes everyone within earshot. Even during tense moments he always sounds calm and authoritative, a perfect combination for an educational show like Planet Earth. Duchovny also has the type of voice that allows him to speak quietly yet still be heard clearly. That kind of voice is perfect for describing waterfalls and other natural wonders, plus David Duchovny is just an all around awesome guy.

Having Kris Kristofferson narrate Planet Earth would be like listening to your grandfather tell you stories about how the world works. Somehow Kristofferson just manages to sound wise, oftentimes with a little bit of crankiness added in, and spending half an hour listening to him speak is sure to make you feel smarter. Every episode of Planet Earth would become a life lesson from Grandpa Kristofferson on the circle of life. I also feel like Kristofferson is the kind of guy who has little insights on the world we live in, another plus for him as a narrator.

Morgan Freeman is a rare man. He could talk about dirt and make it interesting, which I’m sure would come in very handy during the “Soils of the World” episode of Planet Earth. I defy anyone to listen to Morgan Freeman speak and not become hypnotized by his words. Before I said David Duchovny’s voice was soothing, but if that holds true than Morgan Freeman’s voice is practically a tranquilizer it is so calming. Morgan Freeman also has experience narrating nature programs since he spoke about penguins in length in March of the Penguins. In the end there is no better choice for a narrator than Morgan Freeman, whether he is talking about the world or paint drying.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Since we are right around the Pro-Bowl and the NBA All-Star announcements, it seems like as good a time as any to announce the all hero team of 2010 (consisting of movies released in 2009).  These are the big screen heroes who shined the brightest at their positions as well as those who just barely missed the cut.

1) Best Vigilante – Dominic Torretto (Fast & Furious)

If there was any hero in 2009 who played by his own rules, it was definitely Dom.  He robbed oil trucks, “cheated” in street racing and questioned underlings by hanging them out a window.  And all this for the tragic purpose of avenging the death of his one true love.

Reserves: Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Bryan Mills (Taken), Lt. Aldo Raine (Inglorious Basterds)

2) Best Lawman/Soldier – Optimus Prime (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)

Look he lead a army didn’t he?  That makes him a soldier whether he’s human or not.  And who had a better military campaign than Optimus Prime in 2009?  His fight in the woods was by far the best action sequence of the year.  He even kicked death’s ass.

Reserves: Duke (G.I. Joe), John Connors (Terminator Salvation), Jake Sully (Avatar)

3) Best Boyish Hero – Larry Daley (Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian)

Larry is hardly a boy, but certainly boyish.  I mean his best friends are talking action figures for crying out loud.  Even though it was a sequel Larry came from the dimmest place.  I mean yea, he was rich, but he certainly seemed pathetic selling crazy glow-in-the dark flashlights and losing the respect of his son when he knows deep down he’d rather be doing what he loves.  He was trapped under the thumb of society.  If that’s not boyish, I don’t know what is.

Reserves: Sam Witwicky (Transformers), Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince), Ginormica (Monster vs. Aliens)

4) Best Damsel – Kim Mills (Taken)

Kim is probably the only true damsel on this list.  After all she did absolutely nothing to help herself.  In fact, she even went out of her way — out of the country — to make it happen despite her father’s many warnings.  And even after her rescue, she learned nothing, electing to ride off with her enabling mother and step-father leaving her father to hold to bag, which almost guarantees it’s going to happen again.  That’s a true damsel.

Reserves: Mikaela Banes (Transformers), Brandi (Observe & Report), Bella Swan (Twilight: New Moon)

5) Best Romeo – Sherlock Homes (Sherlock Holmes)

Sherlock has that playboy swagger, whether or not it works on every girl — which it usually does, it’s just that some girls know it’s working — it’s still magic.  And of course inversely, he doesn’t seem to be phased one bit when they resist him.  That’s the mark of a true Romeo.

Reserves: Lucian (Underworld: Rise of the Lycans), Derek Charles (Obsessed), Brian O’Conner (Fast & Furious)

And now that we know the players, next up comes the winners of the awards of best hero and villain of 2009 as well as a few other awards!

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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If you ever watched Grindhouse, you might recall the fake trailer by Robert Rodriguez, Machete. It was probably the best thing to come out of the double-feature. It hinted at a good story a Mexican day laborer is set up, double-crossed, and left for dead, then starts everyone’s worst nightmare. It carried with it gratuitous violence, a badass catchphrase “They just fucked with the wrong Mexican.”, Danny Trejo, & boobs. Remember? Sure you do.

Great news is Rodriguez made that movie, financed by himself, where he begged, borrowed and stole to do so. It has quite a powerhouse cast for an indie film though, Robert De Niro, Michelle Rodriguez (Lost), Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, and Danny Trejo. Fox Studios signed on recently and this movie is a definite ‘GO’.

Check out the original mock trailer below that lead to the production of the Mexican not to be fucked with, Machete after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

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