I always say, go big or go home. So if the studios are thinking about ruining the Spider-Man franchise by casting the weaselly, whiny, emo vampire dude from the Twilight Series Robert Pattinson (yes I know it’s just a rumor), they might as well completely and utterly sabotage Spider-Man so that no one will even think of rebooting, remaking, remixing or redecorating this franchise again. So let’s kick it up a Joel-Schumacher-notch with 5 other way they could ruin Marvel’s Spider-Man franchise.
5) He could shoot the webbing out of his ass
You want it to be scientifically accurate right? What are you going to say to the children that watch Nat-Geo who ask why Spider-Man shoots his web from his wrists? I mean, in the comic book the webbing is made in a lab and loaded into cartridge shooters. Problem solved. But in the movie he had natural web coming out of his hands. Weird. Which leads us to…
4) He could have a butt-out costumes
You know that old school thermal underwear with the flap in the back? Spider-Man’s suit could be made like that for easy web slinging action. Hey, if Batman can have nipples and a codpiece, Spider-Man can show-off his butt. It’s only fair.
3) They could highlight a Peter and Harry bromance
Bromances are all the rage. Forget Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy. Let’s explore the relationship of Peter Parker and Harry Osborn. It’s high school after all. Nobody bats an eye when you stand up a few cheerleaders, but bail on your best friend and the drama hits the fan. Bro’s before ho’s man!
2) Make Peter Parker a paparazzi
Let’s face it, no one under the age of 40 is going around shooting photos for a newspaper anymore. This is the digital age! The gossip blog era! Somewhere someone attached to this project is thinking about having Parker step into the 21st century. Wouldn’t Spider-Man be the ultimate tabloid fodder? Or did Hancock fall on that grenade already?
1) Make it all dark and gritty
Let’s…get…serious. Not the same effect as the Joker’s line huh? Well, maybe Parker’s parents abused him and that’s why he lives with his aunt and uncle (seriously, has no one wondered what the hell happened to his parents or why his aunt and uncle look a lot more like his grandparents?). Maybe he’s a tortured goth kid that fights crime so he doesn’t go all trench-coat on his school with an AK-47 because he got one too many swirlies. Strip away all the light-hearted comedy and smart-alecky quips that made Spider-Man so lovable and make him grittier and new age, that will surely ruin the franchise! What’s that? Oh…