I make it no secret that I’m not a fan of the Oscars. I’ll go into detail more a little later, but to sum up: it’s clear that the average man does not get a vote. When’s the last time a movie that John & Jane Q. Public actually paid to see got nominated? If the Dark Knight can’t get a nod, what will? But seeing as how it’s award season I thought that we could use a mini award ceremony that celebrates a forgotten genre: Action movies. Sci-fi movies. Adventure movies that don’t have hobbits in them. But since I can’t afford a ceremony, it looks like this list will have to do.
1) Best Ass-Kicker – Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine)
I literally stared at my computer forever trying to make this choice, that’s how competitive it was. In the end it came down to a simple body count. So while I wouldn’t want to challenge any of these dudes to a life and death brawl, Wolverine has bagged the most bodies of the group, therefore he has kicked the most ass. Sometimes it’s that simple.
Nominees: Snake Eyes (G.I. Joe), Bryan Mills (Taken), Rorschach (Watchmen), Razio (Ninja Assassin)
2) Best Villain – Mary Lee Johnston (Precious)
I know that Precious is not an action movie or anything of the sort, but to be frank about it…action villains were lame this year. Maybe Joker set the bar too high, I don’t know, but the bottom line is no villains this year struck fear into the hearts of the audience…except Mary. That b**** was cold. I mean cold. I’d pick her in a fight over nerdy ass Cobra Commander any day of the week.
Nominees: The Fallen (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), Col. Hans Landa (Inglorious Basterds), Viktor (Underworld: Rise of the Lycans), Jennifer (Jennifer’s Body)
3) Best Heroine – Baroness (G.I. Joe)
Yes, I am aware that the Baroness was the villain for the majority of the movie, but frankly she was the most interesting part of G.I. Joe and again…where were my bad ass girls at in 2009? The truth is that the Baroness was a heroine all along, she just couldn’t be who she was meant to be because she was being controlled by some guy, and what girl hasn’t been there before? In the end, she broke free of her controlling masculine — and I use the term loosely — counterpart and kicked a lot of ass along the way. That’s a heroine to me.
Nominees: Ginormica (Monster vs. Aliens), Scarlet (G.I. Joe), Silk Spectre II (Watchmen)
4) Best Hero – Bryan Mills (Taken)
First you have to understand what makes a hero: putting the needs of others above your own. Bryan was the only hero that dove head first into danger for the sake of his daughter. He didn’t sleep or eat or rest until he found her. He left no stone unturned. Oh and the key point in all this, he succeeded. No sequel necessary to tie up loose ends.
Nominees: Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Rorschach (Watchmen), Duke (G.I. Joe), James T. Kirk (Star Trek)
5) Best Journey – X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Wolverine was hands down the best start to finish journey of this years movies. It’s starts with him in the Weapon X program, then he quits, suffers the repercussion and goes on a quest for revenge. You learned everything you needed to know about Wolverine life before the X-Men in one movie. And what an incredible ride it was.
Nominees: Star Trek, District 9, Taken, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Fast & Furious
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