Humor District

Once upon a time Hip-Hop culture and the police went together about as well as Conan O’Brien and NBC.  You could get shot just for breathing the word “cop” in certain neighborhoods.  But lately a lot of rappers have traded in their gang paraphernalia (or costuming depending on who you ask) to don the uniforms of true blue heroes.  These are the best portrayal of 5-0 by a rapper.

5) Tupac Shakur

We are starting off cautiously with Tupac Shakur (2 Pac to the Hip-Hop community) since he straddles the fence by playing a corrupt cop in Gang Related, which might as well be a gangsta with a badge.  This was Tupac’s last film role and boy did he go out with a bang (no pun intended, respect Tupac).  You could think of Tupac as the last person who’d want to pretend to be a cop or you could think of his earlier rap career and his many run ins with the law as extensive research.

Best Cop role: Gang Related

4) Marky Mary

Mark Wahlberg has become quite accustomed to wearing the badge.  He’s sported blue in everything from the god-awful Max Payne adaptation to We Own the Night to the critically acclaimed Departed.  But let’s face it, he wasn’t exactly a rough and rugged badboy rapper to begin with.  In fact, playing hard-nosed cops probably increased his street cred.  I know I’d be more afraid of Staff Sgt. Dignam than the boy who desperately needs a belt.

Best Cop role: The Departed

3) LL Cool J

He has a long resume of playing cops, The Hard Way, S.W.A.T., Mindhunters and even the security guard in Halloween: H2O.  But when you are a jacked badass trying to prove yourself as an actor I guess you have to play cops or criminals.  Or cooks apparently.  The best of his demonstration in Law Enforcement is definitely his role opposite Robin Chris O’Donnell in NCIS: Los Angeles.  Though again, LL wasn’t the most threatening rapper outside a battle, so the transition goes a lot smoother than most.

Best Cop role: NCIS: Los Angeles

2) Ice T

Ice T was great as a maverick cop in New Jack City, but somehow he seems more like a perp than a detective in Law & Order: SVU.  I love the show and I love his role on the show, but it’s hard to shake his pimpin’ image from your brain and suspend disbelief that much, especially when he still behaves like a pimp off camera.

Best Cop role: Law & Order: SVU

1) Fresh Prince/Will Smith

I don’t think there are many roles he hasn’t played, but he sure likes being a cop.  His back story is a detective in Men In Black, he plays a cowboy sheriff in Wild Wild West, a future cop in I, Robot, and a buddy cop in Bad Boys.  It’s pretty safe to say that if Will Smith is on the case it’s going to get solved.

Best Cop role: Bad Boys

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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5) Trouble Comes in Twos

MacGyver’s solutions to problems are not always as complex as turning a pencil, a rubber band, and a paperclip into a helicopter. In the episode “Blow Out”, MacGyver discovers that there is a bomb in a car disguised as a mail truck. Normally this is no problem for MacGyver, he sees a bomb and he can disarm just as the countdown reaches zero. Unfortunately this bomb was too complicated for even MacGyver to disarm. Or maybe he just really wanted a challenge. MacGyver ends up driving the fake mail truck until he sees a cement mixer, and then proceeds to fill the mail truck with cement, thereby muffling the blast. When asked what he would have done if that idea hadn’t worked MacGyver replies that he would have gone to Plan B. And what was Plan B? “I don’t know. Plan A worked.”

3) Keep It Simple Stupid

In the episode “Phoenix Siege”, MacGyver is simply trying to go to a hockey game with his beloved grandfather. Of course MacGyver has to forget the tickets and go by the Phoenix Foundation to pick them. This is where we learn MacGyver has the luck of John McLane and runs into a terrorist plot. MacGyver gets captured, but nobody can hold him for long and he quickly makes his escape and knocks out one of the terrorist goons. He doesn’t want this terrorist to have his hands free when he wakes up so he quickly cuts a length of lampcord and ties up the terrorist’s hands. That is when MacGyver looks down and sees the pair of handcuffs hanging from the terrorist’s pants. It’s OK MacGyver, nobody’s perfect.

2) Your Reputation Proceeds You

In the episode “Humanity”, MacGyver finds himself in quite the sticky situation. He is locked in a building with a firebomb, scared people, and his friend Pete. MacGyver scrambles to see what random crap he can use to create an escape device. After he spots a telephone, MacGyver gets an idea and says to a man, “Microphone”. This man, who is not familiar with the genius that is MacGyver, simply stands around looking dumb and confused. Luckily Pete, who is quite familiar with what MacGyver is capable of, is there to tell the man to get MacGyver the damn microphone.

1) Bond. James Bond

It is not often the MacGyver wears suits, he is more of a jeans and flannel shirt type of guy. In “The Heist” however, MacGyver decides to go the extra mile and put on a tuxedo. Of course he has to look in the mirror when he does this and pose, referring to himself as “James Bond”. MacGyver then realizes that his poofy mullet doesn’t exactly fit the James Bond image. MacGyver attacks his hair with a vengeance trying to smooth it out and give him more of a secret agent appearance, but we learn that not even the Mighty MacGyver can tame the mullet.

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The Avatar sex scene which was in the script but ultimately left out of the movie because well… no one wants to see that shit. 2 Girls, 1 Cup… Avatar Sex Scene? 2 GIRLS 1 CUP! Everytime. Luckily for you and me, this animated short is not that scripted scene. It comes straight from the twisted mind of an animator Harry Partridge. Harry explains the why exactly he created this bizzare yet hilarious short.

I wanted to make this due to the fact it bugged me in the movie that Jake managed to nail Neytiri with little to no knowledge of Na’vi mating practices. I mean, I’m assuming it’s pretty similar, but considering they have magic hair veins that connect with nature, there’s obviously some pretty big anatomical differences…

You ready for it? Don’t worry it’s SFW… kinda.

View the video after the jump… Read the rest of this entry »

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James Bond has been saving the world for nearly 50 years and yet somehow he still rises to the occasion with six pack abs.  That’s probably because his creators made sure the character was bigger than the actor.  A notion that someone might want to run by George Lucas before he pens the 5th Indiana Jones movie starring a 67-year-old Harrison Ford.

And that’s doubly weird considering that George Lucas debuted Shia LaBeouf as Indy’s son, cutting a clear path for a spin-off or next generation movie (which I make a clear case for here).  Why torture us — or Harrison Ford’s hip for that matter — with a half-ass’d, tortoise-paced action adventure that puts us all to bed for the director and star’s 4 o’clock curfew?  Just pretend Indy’s immortal.  It worked for 007.

Present – Burn Notice is back!

I’m not going to lie, this section is purely self-serving.  I just wanted to rave about how excited I am for Burn Notice to be back on television.  If you’re not excited, skip to number three.  First of all let me say that I love how it comes out in 10 episode chunks and then disappears for a couple of month, rather than over-saturating the USA network with 24 straight episode interrupted by holiday specials and re-runs.  This format makes it so much easier to get caught up and most importantly…creates a little longing.

Any person in a relationship knows that you can lose interest in a hurry if your significant other is always “available” when you want them and when you don’t.  Absence makes the show grow cooler.  And second of all, I am dying to find out how the writers maneuver out of the Lost-sized corner they painted themselves into by having Michael Weston free from his burners and knocking on the door of the CIA in only 3 seasons.  What’s could possibly be next for the super spy?

Future – Dreamworks better tread carefully with the MLK biopic.

If there was ever a job tailor-made to employ black entertainers, writers and directors, it’s the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Biopic, but so far there isn’t a person of color on the project.  I have to assume that the cast will be primarily black — or at least one can only hope — but instead of Tyler Perry writing, we get Ronald Harwood.  Instead of Oprah producing, we get Steven Spielberg.  Isn’t that a little counter productive?  Didn’t Dr. King stand for equality?  Shouldn’t black people be allowed to make movies about our own heroes.

And to top it all off Dr. King’s kids even oppose the project.  Yet the studio wants to move forward?  Clearly Dreamworks learned nothing from the whole Watchmen tug-of-war.  Look, Spike Lee’s Malcolm X was an incredible movie.  Incredible.  I would love to see a Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. biopic that I can show to my kids one day, but something about this project just seems a little off-color.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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As Conan O’Brien nears closer to signing a nearly $40 million deal to walk away from the Tonight Show, his dream job, there are two sticking points have surfaced in negotiations. A clause that would prevent Coco from continuing to publicly bash NBC and the custody of his show’s intellectual property. Among the characters in question are Triumph the Insult Dog, Pimpbot 5000 and the Masturbating Bear. No news on the “In the year 2000″ segment, but if they take that as well I’ll be overwhelmingly pissed.

This is not the first time NBC has stripped late night talk show host of their material. In 1992, NBC retained the rights of several of Letterman segments and characters. The network’s head, Jeff Zucker, becomes the bad man in all of this by the day.

All in all though, news of a legal fight over a Masturbating Bear is probably the greatest news you’ll hear this year.

If you’ve never seen these characters in action, behold:

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Much like I watch Planet Earth to learn about endangered pandas, I watch Jersey Shore to learn about the elusive Guido. They are a species of their own, with large frosted tipped plumage, and strange mating rituals. They are also very territorial and shows of dominance are common. The point I’m trying to get across here is that Jersey Shore is a very educational show. The Guido lifestyle is very nuanced and there are certain rules they follow that most of us know nothing about, even after seeing “My New Haircut”.

I think there is a gene every person has that makes it impossible for them to look away from a train wreck, whether it is literal or metaphorical. That is the basic premise upon which all reality television is based off of. MTV has really taken this concept and ran with it with the series The Real World. Jersey Shore takes all of those Real World elements and adds in a volatile group of people in the form of Guidos, who aren’t exactly known for their empathy and diplomatic skills. Lots of people yell at each other and there are constantly egos colliding. The drama between people is non-stop from episode to episode, these people are ridiculous.

For those of you unschooled in the ways of the Guido, GTL stands for Gym Tan Laundry, the schedule for every Guido’s day. This is one of the deepest insights that Jersey Shore provides on the Guido lifestyle. Essentially everybody in the house is extremely materialistic and proud of it. The number one priority for every person on Jersey Shore is looking good and being the center of attention. The amount of effort these people put into their physical appearance is truly amazing. Their self centered attitude is what makes the show work, empathy has no place here.

Let’s get this out in the open, Mike AKA The Situation is a dick. He is a big time dick. At the same time he is hilarious. He is the kind of guy who has a comeback to everything anybody says, and often times that comeback is widely inappropriate. I think my favorite line in the show has been when Snooki asked for a roll and Mike told her she had enough already. That is when things at the table got awkward and I could not stop laughing. Mike is the kind of guy who is hilarious until you actually have to hang out with him, luckily my TV screen doesn’t let him through.

From the very first episode Snooki has been the definition of a train wreck. As I mentioned previously, for some reason we can’t look away from a train wreck. From the first night Snooki was the sloppiest of all the roommates. It doesn’t help that she prompted the drinking and she is only slightly larger than a chihuahua. That is just a bad combination. The end result was a passed out Snooki who got left at home when everybody else went out. She also resembles a chihuahua in the fact that she yaps constantly. That bulldog mouth was not backed up by her puppy body which earned her a punch in the mouth in one episode. I in no way condone violence against women, but I couldn’t look away. There are those train wrecks.

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Ricky Gervais hosting the 2010 Globes wasn’t the only thing to light up the evening. Arnold Schwarzenegger mistakenly yet awesomely mispronounced Avatar as “Abadah”.

Take a listen, clearly “Abadah”!

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So I watched Human Target last night and you know, I felt a spark.  Mark Valley — who was long overdue for a starring role as an action hero — showed just enough charm and personality to be unique, even though his character is just another super cop.  Now I’m not saying that Human Target and I are destine to be together because it didn’t knock my socks off and it certainly wasn’t love at first sight, but I’d be open to a second episode.  I’ll call.  And I’m not just saying that.

But it did get me thinking, I wonder who the best super agents are on TV right now?  The men and women who’s pay grade goes above dealing with the common crazies in common ways.  Does newcomer Christopher Chance even make the list?  Only one way to find out.

5) Myka Bering & Peter Lattimer (Warehouse 13)

Area of expertise: A pair of secret service agents who investigate paranormal activity caused by powerful artifacts.

Guard the President?  Any Joe-Schmo off the street can do that.  Guard a warehouse full of creepy and sometimes pointless artifact and you’d have to call on a Myka Bering and Peter Lattimer.  These agents don’t always face world ending danger, but they do get to play with gadgets that would make James Bond jealous, which takes some pretty high clearance.

4) Olivia Dunham (Fringe)

Area of expertise: An FBI agent who investigates the worlds unexplained phenomenons.

Technically Olivia Dunham is just an FBI agent, but that’s what makes her even more super of an agent.  Out of the hundreds of FBI agents, she’s the one the Fringe Division recruited.  There was a time when everyone knew the answer to the simple question, “when their something strange, in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?”  But with Olivia on the job…I’d think twice about that life line.

3) Christopher Chance (Human Target)

Area of expertise: A bodyguard and security expert who protects his clients by using them as bait.

You have to have some kind of ego to believe you can protect anybody, anywhere so much that you put your clients in the line of fire.  After all, if they get killed, you don’t get paid.  But Christopher Chance is that cocky and that good.  The perfect ingredients for any super agent.

2) Jack Bauer (24)

Area of expertise: A counter terror agent specializing in thwarting domestic Armageddons.

Jack Bauer is a one man wrecking crew that I’d want on the case, but only as a last resort.  He’d use C4 to redecorate the walls.  And it’s obvious that the United States government feels the same way considering that he’s only worked 8 days in the last couple of years.

1) Michael Weston (Burn Notice)

Area of expertise: A covert operative burned from the CIA now working local crimes in Miami too complex for police.

Michael Weston is the ultimate everyday super spy.  And he’ll even work pro bono if you’re in enough trouble.  You can’t beat a top of the line private protector off the clearance rack.

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Ricky Gervais did a brilliant job hosting the Golden Globes last night. One downer was he was woefully absent for far too much of the ceremony. When he was there, he was side-splittingly funny, but too often, the producers opted to have the announcer introduce the presenters. Were they possibly scared of what he would say if he was given too much time? He was downing beers as he introduced speakers, maybe he was a little rowdy backstage. If so, awesome!

The best part of the night, was in Ricky’s opening monolugue. He pointed out that despite Steve Carell’s huge mainstream success with The Office, he wouldn’t have any of it if not for Gervais first creating The Office in England. Carell responded in the only way he could: mouthing to Gervais, “I will break you.”

Check out all the his best moments in the video below. Because hell, who wants to watch the rest of boring speaches.

View all the 2010 Golden Globes winners over at MovieFone.

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