Humor District

James Cameron has done it again with Avatar. Everybody and their grandmother has been shilling out the dollars, pesos, and rubles to see adventure and romance on the planet of Pandora. Avatar has made over $1 billion to this date, and has a realistic chance to become the highest earning movie of all time. How does a movie about furry blue cat people get to be so popular? Find out in the Top 5 Reasons Everyone Loves Avatar.

5. Avatar is Predictable

Now don’t get me wrong when I say Avatar is formulaic, I am not knocking it in any way. Formulaic and predictable is what people want right now after a rough time of economic and civil uncertainty. James Cameron simply took the generic Dances With Wolves type story and made it about aliens and people are comfortable with that. We fear the unknown right now and James Cameron is here to lovingly guide us into better times and erase our fears of various wars and a collapsing economy. At least that’s what my therapist told me.

4. Environmental Message

Going green is all the rage these days, and James Cameron is a staunch environmental supporter. As a result, Avatar has a heavy pro-environment message. It’s not really hidden. At all. The people trying to save the giant trees are the good guys, the people lighting them on fire are the bad guys, and nature itself is called upon to give a swift kick to the bad guys’ nether regions. Score one for tree hugging hippies everywhere!

3. Underdog/Redemption Story

Do any of you remember a story about some soldiers stealing land from native inhabitants? Well here comes my therapist again telling me that as a whole there is something known as “white guilt” for the whole stealing Native American’s land and slavery things. That would only explain Americans loving Avatar though, and those Germans love it also. What it comes down to is everyone wants to cheer for the underdog. That’s why everybody wants those noble savages to show the more highly advanced soldiers what’s what in the end.

2. Revolutionary Visual Effects

This was quite possibly the most hyped aspect of Avatar leading up to the release. $300 million spent meant Avatar actually created a new way to shoot 3-D movies and pioneered a new virtual camera system that essentially allowed James Cameron to get footage of anything he could imagine from any angle. This is some extremely high tech stuff, hence the $300 million price tag, but the results were outstanding. While the Na’vi (blue cat people) don’t look as sharp as they could, Pandora itself feels like an actual planet. This sort of work brought in all the tech geeks and the 3-D version brings in everyone who wants to feel like they’re getting shot at without the fear and pain of getting shot at.

1. James Cameron

This is the man who brought us Aliens and The Terminator. Oh yeah, and some movie with Leonardo DiCaprio about a boat or something. Everyone knows who James Cameron is, whether it’s the old school science fiction fans or their girlfriends. That’s right, science fiction fans can have girlfriends. Basically James Cameron has proved that he has something for everybody in his movies, from large explosions for the fellows to a romantic subplot for the lady types. That adds up to over $1 billion in earnings and one happy James Cameron.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Biggest Culprits: Twilight, Underworld, Van Helsing, Zombieland, I Am Legend, Blood: the Last Vampire, 28 Days Later

What it should be replaced with: Angels and Messiahs.  Hasn’t the dark side gotten enough attention?  People get really excited when bad guys do the slightest bit of good, but what about the good guys with the burden to do great?  Let’s raise our standards a little.

Biggest Culprits: Lions for Lambs, Stop Loss, Body of Lies, The Hurt Locker, The Kingdom, In the Valley of Elah

What it should be replaced with: Fantasy wars.  Once upon a time filmmakers were subtle about their political agendas.  They made movies with fictitious apes to comment on civil rights and audiences were none the wiser, or at least pretended to be.  Give me apes, aliens or even Cobra Commander, but please stop using real wars with real people as the playground for your social commentary.

Biggest Culprits: Star Trek, Batman, Hulk, Land of the Lost, Pink Panther, Friday the 13th

What it should be replaced with: Next generation.  It’s obvious that people like familiar stories and Hollywood likes to take the easy way out, but stop cheating!  You can use familiar franchises with fresh characters.  Danny Glover and Mel Gibson have to actually be too old for this s— right?  So instead of casting Dwayne Johnson and Sean William Scott as Riggs and Murtaugh in a Lethal Weapon reboot, cast the next hot-young-thing as new detectives and cameo our favorite odd couple as police chiefs.  Murtaughs kids have to be cop age right?

Biggest Culprits: The Cove, Battle for Terra, The Happening, Wall-E, The Road, 9, The Day After Tomorrow

What it should be replaced with: Health-care preaching.  Repo Men is a good start.  I am not worried about the earth dying, but I am worried about dying in the emergency room or not even making it to the hospital because I can’t afford the ride.

Biggest Culprits: Saw, Hostel, Wolf Creek, Turistas, Captivity, Funny Games

What it should be replaced with: Massacres.  We’ve seen how a deranged serial killer thinks and explored the one-on-one relationship between victim and murderer, but anybody can kill one person at a time.  What about those who kill and keep it moving, racking up dozens of victims in a matter of minutes?  What about those who don’t get intimate with their prey?  How do they tick?  If you were trapped inside a mall with a stealthy mass murderer would you hide, run or fight back?  Would you help others or look out for yourself?  I want to see those movies.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 3% [?]

It’s official, comic books aren’t just for nerds anymore. We all saw Wolverine, Iron Man and The Dark Knight in theaters and learned these superheroes are pretty bad ass. Mutant healing factors, high tech gadgetry, and the Batmobile all add up to guys we don’t want to cross. Now we have the authoritative list of the Top 5 Bad Ass Movie Superheroes. Read on to see who made the cut.

5. The Punisher

Frank Castle was just an ex-Special Forces member trying to enjoy a reunion with his family. Unfortunately the mafia did not approve of this joyous reunion. A few bullets made the coleslaw entirely unappetizing, and Frank Castle’s family was gunned down in front of him. Unlike most people, Frank Castle did not lay down on a psychiatrist’s couch and discuss his feelings. Frank Castle outfitted himself with every weapon imaginable, bought a black shirt with a skull on it, and killed every thief, murderer, and jaywalker who dared to cross his path. That is Clint Eastwood level bad ass.

4. Spawn

Al Simmons was pretty bad ass before he came Spawn. He was essentially an assassin, but his boss had him killed when Simmons got too good at his job. Not one to go down without a fight, Simmons made a deal with the devil so he could see his wife again and became Spawn. He was supposed to lead Hell’s army, but Spawn decided to scrap that plan and defend humanity from the war between Heaven and Hell. There are few things more bad ass than a superhero who alternates between tearing limbs off of demons and crazed angels and helping the local detectives solve cases.

3. Wolverine

Wolverine is a beast. You could probably tell that by his name. His mutant healing factor makes him extremely tough to kill, allows him to smoke cigars nonstop without fear of cancer, and has him age slower than most others. It also means that when somebody shoots him he just gets pissed off. Combine that with an unbreakable skeleton, claws that can cut through just about anything and those berserk rages he goes into and you get one ferocious package. Oh, and did I mention his heightened sense of smell allows him to hunt people down? Being a complete killing machine qualifies Wolverine as a grade A bad ass.

2. Deadpool

Deadpool, like Wolverine, has a mutant healing factor. This makes him very hard to kill. Also like many others on this list, Deadpool is not quite right in the head. This manifests itself in random hallucinations, voices in his head, and extremely violent tendencies. It also makes Deadpool absolutely hilarious. How many heroes would sing “Row Row Row Your Boat” as they decapitated numerous villains? Deadpool would. He is also more of a reluctant hero, what with the whole being a mercenary and all. Really, you have to give Deadpool a bad ass title because he is willing to kill you simply because it makes him giggle.

1. Batman

What differentiates Batman from everyone else on his list is pretty simple. Batman refuses to kill. That doesn’t mean that he has any qualms to beating criminals within an inch of their life, but he never crosses that line. You have to respect a guy with morals like that. Add in the fact that he has no super powers, he just trains to be the best at everything he does, and goes up against super powered psychopaths on a nightly basis and that makes Batman one bad ass hero. Plus he drives the Batmobile, a vehicle that could make Steve Urkel as cool as Samuel L. Jackson.

Popularity: 3% [?]

What is the best and worst thing about the holidays?  One word: Marathons.  You haven’t seen the truly awesome brain rotting power of television until you’ve sat through 12+ episodes of TV’s most addictive programming.

5) CSI

Why the show is cool: Who would’ve thought science could be so cool?  Aside from the fact that non of these forensic specialist look like the dweebs who spent the day stuffed inside a locker or envying cheerleaders (except Sarah) it doesn’t get more raw and real than CSI.

Why the show is addictive: CSI shows us a life-like CGI reenactment of homicides that would make Jigsaw cringe.  It is literally a break down of those wrecks on the freeway everybody slows down to watch.

Why it never gets old: They could show an x-ray cam of someone getting shot every episodes and it would still be fascinating.

Why the show is cool: I swear I’m not a closet nerd, but who hasn’t watched a movie and said, “that s— isn’t real” at one point or another?  Mythbusters ends all debate.

Why the show is addictive: Curiosity may or may not have killed the cat, but I know for a fact it can kill a weekend.  It’s our need to know that makes this marathon so fun.  Oh yea, and they blow up a lot of s— too.

Why it never gets old: As long as people lie, there will always be a myth to bust.

Why the show is cool: Psycho.  Serial.  Killers.  Long before Dexter came out, Criminal Minds was digging into the brains of some of the most sick and twisted people on earth.

Why the show is addictive: You can’t just walk away from the TV when little Timmy is stuffed in the trunk of the pedophile who vaguely reminds you of your own weirdo neighbor.

Why it never gets old: It just never lets go.  You know you should turn away, you just can’t.

Why the show is cool: Everyone hates a pervert and therefore we love to watch heroic and interesting cops hunt these scumbags down.

Why the show is addictive:  Sex sells. Granted, Law & Order: SVU takes sexual deviance to the extreme, but if the tabloids have taught us anything it’s that society loves to see what’s going on in other people’s bedrooms.

Why it never gets old: If there are 64 positions in the Karma Sutra, then there are at least a thousand different ways to be be killed in each one.

Why the show is cool:  For a profession that routinely says, “if I tell you, I have to kill you” this is the only safe way to get inside the mind of a spy while you watch him in action.

Why the show is addictive: Michael Weston is a freaking one man army and sure isn’t shy about sharing his secrets in the “how-to” style narrating of the show.

Why it never gets old: One-trick-pony and Michael Weston don’t belong in the same stratosphere, let alone the same sentence.  I’m pretty sure he is the coolest guy on earth.  Hands down.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Nothing short of Awesome!

I just wish I even had the slight bit ounce of talent that these crazy mashup/remix geeks have. Oh and do yourself another favour and the view the Trailer to End All Trailers Mashup as well.

In no particular order:

Not Easily Broken, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Push, Fired Up, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Watchmen, Phoebe in Wonderland, I Love You, Man, 12 Rounds, Adventureland
Fast & Furious, Hannah Montana: The Movie, State Of Play, Fighting, The Soloist, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Star Trek, Angels & Demons, Terminator Salvation, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Easy Virtue, Up, Land Of The Lost, My Life in Ruins, Away We Go, The Taking of Pelham 123, The Proposal, Year One, Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, The Hurt Locker, Public Enemies, I Love You, Beth Cooper, Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince, (500) Days Of Summer, The Ugly Truth, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Julie & Julia, Paper Heart, The Time Traveler’s Wife, Inglourious Basterds, Taking Woodstock, 9, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, The Imformant!, Jennifer’s Body, Love Happens, Fame, Whip It, Zombieland, Law Abiding Citizen, Where the Wild Things Are, Amelia, The Men Who Stare at Goats, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Sunshine Cleaning, The Young Victoria, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, Old Dogs, The Princess and The Frog, Everybody’s Fine, Avatar, Nine, Sherlock Holmes, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, A Serious Man. e!

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Expendables

Plot Outline: A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator.

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Cast and Crew: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Brittany Murphy, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Ivan Drago Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin and Randy Couture are a team of mercenaries headed to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. Christ how badass is that? Watching the trailer though it’s seams to be a Stallone Statham show though with a little Li and Rouke thrown in for good measure. The cameos will sure make up for a great film. Quite possibly the film I’m looking forward to the most but at the same time I know I’ll be let down somewhere.

The Last Airbender

Plot outline: Based on the animated series Avatar: The Last Airbender, the story takes place in a world divided into the Fire, Water, Earth, and Air Nations. A young “airbender” named Aang must stop the Fire Nation from taking over.

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Cast: Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Cliff Curtis, Jackson Rathbone, Shaun Toub, Aasif Mandvi

It can be a really cool movie, or an epic failure to end all epic failures. M. Night shyamalan eventually bought out its patented thrillers, which is nice since The Happening and Lady in the Water sucked. But he is the kind of big-budget fantasy? Some people have heard of the source material, which mean box office is pretty weak, unless the ad campaign Wows a bunch of people. But it’s cool to see Slumdog Millionaire Dev Patel’s trying to choose a name for himself over the Best Picture winner last year.

A Couple of Dicks

Plot outline: A comedy about two cops who try to locate a stolen baseball card and rescue a kidnapped woman.

Director: Kevin Smith

Cast: Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Seann William Scott, Adam Brody, Kevin Pollak

So this is a cop movie starring a white guy and black guy generic right? Ah, the script is good, enough to attract the director Kevin Smith – who’s never directed a film he hasn’t written. Everyone agrees that the project take adequate wage agreements, to maintain the film’s R-class. This is another possible hangover-style project – but with Bruce Willis on the project you can’t go wrong.

Alice in Wonderland

Plot outline: Tim Burton and Johnny Depp (as the Mad Hatter) take on Lewis Carroll’s classic.

Director: Tim Burton

Cast: Johnny Depp, Mia Wasikowska, Michael Sheen, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, Crispin Glover, Christopher Lee

Who better to take on Carroll’s cracked-out, drug-influenced Alice in Wonderland than Burton and Depp? Plus, the six of you who saw the first season of HBO’s In Treatment already know that Mia Wasikowska will give a terrific, star-making performance as Alice. The only red flag? An odd March release date. We thought the combination of Depp and a big budget made for an automatic summer debut.

Arrested Development

Plot: No plot released

Director: Mitchell Hurwitz

Cast and Crew: Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, David Cross, Portia de Rossi, Jeffrey Tambor, Will Arnett
Hands-down the most anticipated movie of 2010, Arrested Development fans have been pining for a big-screen adaptation ever since this ingenious show was kicked off the air (yes, by someone retarded). And after tamping down a slew of rumors about its future, the producers have made it over some hurdles necessary for moving forward, like signing Michael Cera on to the production. But until we start seeing official trailers, we’re just going to assume this one isn’t even coming out, just to stave off the disappointment.

No trailer yet, but I leave you with the famous Chicken Dance montage

[Source: Coed Magazine]

Popularity: 2% [?]