Humor District

It doesn’t really take a blockbuster movie to make the days of the ancient Romans and Greeks seem awesome. There were so many wars going, gladiatorial battles, and gods coming down and knocking up mortal women that it seems like every day was an adventure on a grand scale. Of course movies and television shows aren’t satisfied with this level of greatness, and put in as much action, sex, and more action that they can. That’s what makes these eras perfect for movies.

This is the latest show based in ancient Rome. Spartacus is the most famous of the gladiators to fight in the Colosseum. This show has an extreme amount of blood and violence, and pretty much any time that there isn’t somebody being decapitated there is some crazy sex going on. The only drawback is the male nudity. I’m sure some people like me, and there was a lot of nudity going on during that time period, I’m just not a huge fan of dongs flapping in the wind.

Rome was a great show on HBO. It followed ancient Rome as historical events turned Rome into an Empire. This show did a great job of weaving actual historical events and notable figures through the eyes of two common soldiers. Ray Stevenson plays Titus Pullo, one of those common soldiers and also a complete bad ass.

Ben-Hur is a classic. It might be ridiculously long, but that’s just because it covers so much. Charlton Heston plays a Jewish prince who gets the shaft from his childhood friend Mesalla, and becomes a slave. He works his way up and becomes loved by the Romans, participates in the most bad ass chariot race that has ever happened, and hangs out with Jesus a little bit. While this is an older movie, it is just as powerful, if not more so, than any other movie on this list.

Brad Pitt is awesome in Troy as Achilles. Basically all 6 hours of Troy are great to watch because it really is seeing ancient legends come to life. We get to see a demigod tear through mortal men until a lucky shot brings him down, we see how insanely hot Helen of Troy is, and we see what a pussy Paris was. For those of you who don’t know your Greek history, Paris is the guy who stole Helen away from Menelaus and started the war. Eric Bana plays Prince Hector, Paris’ older brother, and possibly the coolest guy in the movie who dies for his brother. I hate you Paris.

Russell Crowe made a name for himself in Gladiator. That doesn’t mean that people didn’t know who Russell Crowe was before Gladiator, but he was a household name after. Gladiator was an extremely well done movie chronicling the fall of a Roman soldier into the arena as a Gladiator, and how his fighting prowess made him the most influential man alive. The fight scenes are brutal and extremely well done, and let’s be honest, that’s what most of us care about. The entire story is an inspiring one though, as a man loses everything, his power, his family,and his country, only to rise up higher than ever before.

Popularity: 4% [?]

So last year my colleagues and I did March BADness, a 64 movie character tournament, to find out who is the most badass movie character ever created.  For the 2nd annual tournament we’re going to put 64 movie villains up against each other to find out who is the most evil son-of-a-b—- of all times in: March MADness.

Yes I am aware the name isn’t too creative.  I explored March CADness (see cad), which is lame and March BADness, which is a repeat of last year’s title, but settled on March MADness.  Hey, whatever.  It works.

Anyway, first let me explain the selection process.  Last year, superpowers and the supernatural were disqualified, but this year we are allowing them due to a lack of quality human villains.

So, we cut a list of 100 down to the 64 baddest villains and ranked them by notoriety.  In other-words, the #1 seeds are the most popular and biggest household names:

Freddy Kruger

Darth Vader

Joker

Hannibal

The villains from movies with a smaller, more cult following are the lower seeds.  For example:

Bricktop from Snatch

Daniel Plainview from There Will be Blood

and so forth.

Now I can already tell people are going to argue that their favorites deserve a higher seed, but your favorites may not be mainstream enough.  If you walk up to 10 random people on any street corner and say “Bricktop,” 6 to 8 of them are going to say, “who?” and that’s being generous.

If you walk up to 10 random people on any street corner and say, the Joker or Darth Vader or Freddy Kruger, they will instantly know who you are talking about.  So that’s how they are ranked.

But relax.

It’s only the seeding.  They still have to play the matchups.  Upsets can — and will — happen.  Just because one is the higher seed, doesn’t mean they are the more evil villain.  So how will the matchup be decided?  Glad you asked.

Each matchup is decided on it’s own merit — Mano y mano — considering these two simple rules.

• It’s quality over quantity.  Meaning just because the villain blew up 1,000 people doesn’t necessarily make him/her more evil then the villain who methodically tortured a small child in front of his parents.

• Intentions matter.  Meaning if the villain was trying to do the right thing and it went wrong, that’s different then intentionally doing something selfish or devious.

But what it ultimately boils down to is this:

If the devil, Lucifer or whatever you call him were to go on vacation, which of the two competitors would be a suitable fit to fill in for him and do the best job?  We’re going to pick the movie villain with the more sadistic, nasty, mean and purely evil resume.  The one with the most impressive resume of evil deeds.  At the end we will truly know who the most evil and coldhearted villain of all times is.

The mayhem begins on Monday, March 1st 2010.

And this is your bracket:

Click to see an enlarged bracket.

And here are some of Beaze’s predictions:

The odds on Favorite: Freddy Krueger.  He was a pedophile and child killer while he was human.  As a “demon” he was much worse.

The dark horse: John Doe from Seven.  Mailing someone their wife’s head is on par with anything Freddy did.

The villain with something to prove: Norman Bates.  This guy made an entire nation afraid to shower and now it seems like he’s a forgotten nightmare because of all the new torture porn.

The underdog no one wants to face: Kevin from Sin City.  This dude tormented a lot of people for the fun of it.  He was definitely evil and shouldn’t be underestimated.

The toughest omissions: Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors.  Alien Queen.  Jaws (we decided no animals allowed).  Hans Gruber from Die Hard.

ROUND 1 BEGINS IN THE NORTHEAST REGION —->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

30 Rock has consistently proven itself to be one of the funniest shows on television. What makes it funny time after time is the fact that it doesn’t rely on outrageous things happening, but rather on a varied cast of outrageous characters. Every week involves a clash of overinflated egos, comic misunderstandings, and eccentric behavior. Oh yes, there’s plenty of eccentric behavior, and these 5 characters are the ones most often involved in that behavior.

Cerie Xerox, played by Katrina Bowden, is the resident eye candy at 30 Rock. She does it very well. Her appearance on the show definitely makes the guys pay attention, especially when she wears revealing outfits. That means always. She is more than a pretty face though, her interactions with Liz are hilarious, as she remains convinced that Liz must have been married with several kids to look like she does. Cerie isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and is fairly naive, but I would love to make her dream of marrying a rich guy and designing handbags come true. Now I just have to get rich.

Kenneth Parcell (Jack McBrayer) is the best page NBC has ever seen. He is ridiculously dedicated to his job, doing anything anyone asks him to, and seeks no advancement. He is also always smiling, even when running dangerous errands for Tracy or breaking into houses for Jack. It can get a little creepy at times. Jack, who can read everyone, has no idea what Kenneth is ever thinking. So while seeming like a wide eyed child marveling at what goes on around him, I am convinced there is something more sinister about Kenneth. As Jack said, in 30 years Kenneth will either have his job or have killed them all.

Liz (Tina Fey) is the driving force behind everything at 30 Rock. She has the unenviable job of resolving conflicts between everyone else. She is essentially the mom of the show. Unfortunately for her, she is still struggling on finding somebody to support her, although she does have a good relationship with Jack. All too often Liz finds herself insulting people while eating fatty foods and buying wedding dresses to wear when she dies alone. Yes, she definitely has some problems of her own. Luckily Liz is a problem solver, and comes up with some unique solutions to some pretty crazy problems. She’ll make it.

Jack Donaghy is played by Alec Baldwin. There isn’t much more that needs to be said. He is absolutely hilarious. Jack knows pretty much all there is to know when it comes to business, and seems to have connections to everyone who is anyone. He has also read so many market studies that he can take a glance at anyone who isn’t Kenneth and identify their age, weight, specific interests, and seemingly their thoughts. At the same time, Jack doesn’t have an abundance of common sense and is a bit of a romantic at heart despite the many actresses and models he has bedded. This leaves him in some vulnerable positions, but Liz always comes to the rescue.

Tracy Morgan really is Tracy Jordan. He is Tracy Jordan in everything I’ve seen him in and that is fantastic. He is most commonly described as a loose cannon, but I prefer off the walls insane. I mean that in a good way. Tracy is so lazy he uses white guilt against Liz to convince her he can’t read, and uses that as an excuse to show up to work late. He threw a giant party on a yacht he didn’t own. He hallucinates about little blue people when he doesn’t take his medication. He is constantly making sure he does outrageous things so the public doesn’t get bored with him, but he needn’t worry. We will love him until his medication actually starts to work.

Popularity: 2% [?]

As told to me by the ghosts of Hollywood past, present and future.

Pretty much every romantic comedy or teen angst movies targeting a male audience is about a 5-rate guy daring to dream about landing a 10-rate girl.  Most of these movies however, are not lazy enough to put that premise in the title and market it as such.  Most of those movies have some other kind of hook.  Like giant robots, last days or High School/College or McLovin.  But not She’s Out of My League.  Nope.  That’s what the whole movie is about.  Just throw in some curse words and juvenile male pranks and it’s an instant cult success.

But isn’t that sad?  If your a 5, you shouldn’t be with a 10.  You don’t deserve a 10.  What could you possibly have to offer her?  All a movies like this does is reinforce male complacency.  It makes losers believe they are “good enough.”  Well your not.  That’s the truth.  But the kicker is: you can be better.  They shouldn’t have to accept you.  Hell, you shouldn’t accept you.  You can be a 10 if you work at it.  You can earn your 10 mate the right way.  That’s what these movies should show people.

2) Present – The minority led TV shows are going to be awesome.

I already raved about Forrest Whitaker’s Criminal Minds spin-off.  Now there are three other minority led pilots that I can gush over now.  Breakout Kings is an instant hit mixing Prison Break and Criminal Minds together (though the title leaves a lot to be desired.  Here’s to hoping it’s just a working title).  JJ Abrams is crossing over to the darkside with Undercovers, a black version of Mr. & Mrs. Smith.  Genius.  And even the brown is getting down with another CIA drama called Chaos.  We are here baby!  We are finally here!

It doesn’t seem like much on the surface, but can you name a minority driven TV show of the past decade that was not a sitcom…and that lasted more than 5 episodes?

…

…

Me neither.  I’d have to go back to NY Undercover for that one.  Yes I went that far back.  But NY Undercover was a great show (and might I add spearheaded the whole undercover cop show movement), and that’s the difference.  Well all these shows — judging by their loglines — appear to be great shows too.  And I think that’s going to keep them around a lot longer than the Gideon Crossing‘s of the world.

How many times does a ghost have to slaughter entire families before stupid-ass wannabe home owners get the f—in’ message?  If you move into a house and freaky stuff starts happened.  Move the hell out!  Last year it was Paranormal Activity and sometime in the future it’s going to be Dream House.  What pile of bricks is worth your life?  Can someone please tell me that?

I understand that this is a common fear among first-time home buyers, but geez, do we need to see it over and over again with little to no variation on plot.  Why is it always a ghost?  Why can’t it be a witch, or troll, or dragon or even a bear hibernating in the attic.  Can we mix it up a little, because we’ve already established that evil spirits make horrible roommates (maybe they should do a movie about a exorcised ghost looking for a place on Craigslist).  But to make it more relative, if I found out that my boss was murdering employers with the lowest sales, I’m not going to bust my butt to be #1, I’m f—in’ quiting!  Wait, maybe that could be a movie too…dibs!

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 1% [?]

Being a nerd is no longer the social stigma that it used to be. People who can understand technology, solve complex formulas, and recite the secret identities of every villain Batman has fought are becoming more appreciated in our society, despite their social ineptitude. There is less of a negative connotation when we hear the word nerd now, we just expect to see some lovably awkward goofs. These are some of the most lovably awkward goofs to make it on prime time television.

Marshall Eriksen from How I Met Your Mother is about as lovable as they get. He is big and goofy, a master of every game he has come across, and an amateur cryptozoologist. He is also a believer in supernatural forces. When you add up all these factors, Marshall comes off as a pretty nerdy guy. It’s hard not to love a guy who tells people they’ve been “lawyer’d” after he wins an argument though. Plus he’s married to Lily Aldrin, played by Alyson Hannigan, so we all wish we were a little more like Marshall.

Dwight Schrute is a menace at Dunder Mifflin, inc. He is what I like to call a Know-It-All Nerd. He has an impressive amount of information on some extremely random topics. His areas of expertise include martial arts, Battlestar Galactica, and beets. Dwight Schrute is truly one of a kind. He likes to let it be known to everyone that he possesses this knowledge, which usually ends up with Jim showing him some humility. Dwight himself may not be the most lovable person on this list, but we sure do love his antics.

Lisa Simpson was one of the first nerds to make an appearance on TV. It is unknown how she ended up so intelligent, especially considering who her father is, but Lisa has the brainpower of at least 10 Homers. She is a model student, takes stands on issues she deems to be important, and is somewhat of a social outcast. The other residents of Springfield just can’t come to terms with Lisa’s intelligence, convictions, and desire to induce change. While she may get walked on over there, she is idolized here.

Chuck is a pretty average nerd. He works in the Nerd Herd section of Buy More fixing computers, he loves comic books, and can speak Klingon. If that isn’t an impressive nerd resume, I don’t know what is. Oh yeah, Chuck also has top secret government information stuck in his head that allows him to identify weapons and terrorists, and subsequently teaches him the kung fu he needs to put them down. Plus, anybody who gets to work with someone as hot as Sarah Walker, played by Yvonne Strahovski, is automatically awesome.

Leonard Hofstadter is an experimental physicist with an IQ of 173 and Sheldon Cooper is a theoretical physicist with an IQ of 187. Need I say more about these Big Bang Theory stars? They are both awkward in social situations, with Sheldon being the more inept of the two. It is mostly because he doesn’t really understand things like sarcasm that Sheldon comes off as a bigger nerd. Still, it is impossible to hate on two guys who hang out with their hot neighbor Penny, played by Kaley Cuoco, as often as they do. I’m a little bit jealous.

Popularity: 11% [?]

Today I learned something quite extraordinary, yes extraordinary! Turns out Tom Green is an amazing freestyle rapper. OK maybe “amazing” doesn’t quite explain the skills the man has. How good you say? Well Imagine a rapper with the skills of Mike D, Ad-Rock & MCA combined oh and maybe throw an Eminem in there with a little Jin and Canabis. That Good!

Just listen how he lays it down with Xzibit when he had him over for the The Tom Green Show some time back.

Turns out Tom had a little career in rap in the early 90′s with some success. Via Wikipedia:

[Tom Green's] Rap career

In the early 1990s, Green had a short-lived career as a rapper in a group called Organized Rhyme. They were nominated for a Juno Award in 1993 for Best Rap Recording. He came back in 2005 with his rap group, The Keeping it Real Crew, featuring DJ EZ Mike of the Dust Brothers. In late 2005, Tom released his first solo rap album, titled Prepare For Impact. He has received offers from such rap artists as Spice 1 and Bushwick Bill of the Geto Boys to appear on his raps. He has performed with Too Short, Flava Flav, Grand Buffet, Mickey Avalon, People Under the Stairs, Xzibit, and other popular rap artists on his Tom Green Live show. In early 2008 a second solo rap album titled Basement Jams was released in download only format. On his website, Green has stated intentions of releasing a new rap album in 2010.

Check out the music video below for his old group Organized Rhyme, Check The O.R. was apparently a huge hit in Canada back in ’93. Skills!

Organized Rhyme – Check The O.R.

Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 4% [?]

Look, no one ever thought the President of the United State would be cast as a black man, but it happened.  I mean thinking about how great movies were updated with black actors, and how great characters were upgraded to black characters, maybe it’s time to open the door for a lot of other taboo characters.    These are the five that I’d vote for.

5) Robin Hood

Why it’s time: It’s not like people would have a hard time believing that black people steal.  Hey, I’m just being honest.  I know that black people may not have been around during medieval times (what, do I look like a Historian to you?), but still, can we at least get a variation of Robin Hood?  Maybe an modern version?  This story has to resonate in the hood.  It has to.  Hood is his name for crying out loud!

4) Wonder Woman

Why it’s time: She came from the amazon.  A South American country.  Why is Wonder Woman white in the first place?  There were slaves sent to South America, maybe one of them married an amazon, or was forced to serve an amazon sexually…I don’t know how that whole thing thing works.  But the point is it’s toally believable for Wonder Woman to be black, more-so than for her to be Caucasian.  I’m just saying.

3) Terminator

Why it’s time: He’s a freaking robot from the future.  I know there are black people in the future.  Are we not good enough to have a Terminator molded after us?  Sam Worthington had a Terminator modeled after him.  Who the hell is he?  I know they are doing more Terminator movies.  They better do them right.  By definitions robots are made from interchangeable parts, so no one has to get mad that it’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger.

2) James Bond

Why it’s time: It’s not like there is a certain image that comes to mind when you think James Bond.  Everybody and their mother has been cast as James Bond.  None of them look a like.  Clearly there is a broad standard in the casting.  Why can’t he be black?  African-Americans live in England…but then I guess they’d be African-Englanders…whatever…you know what I mean.  Anyway, maybe James Bond was always black and the slick haired Caucasian look was just a disguise.  Maybe he was light skin.  I don’t care.  Sell it.

1) Tarzan

Why it’s time: Look, Tarzan is a muscle-bound, incredibly athletic and uncivilized dude swinging through the jungle on vines with the IQ of a grapefruit and has dark skin and woolly hair…

…

Black people can’t have this one?  That’s exactly what black people are notoriously accused of being!  If I read that description at a Klan meeting or even a Congressional hearing they’d accuse this suspect of being a black man.  And Tarzan spends all his time chasing a white woman…are you hearing me?

P.S. – the art/photos were gathered via the internet from some pretty imaginative people who apparently have an Obama obsession.  Nice work though.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

Who ever greenlit the concept of a redband trailer needs a medal. Kevin Smith’s Cop Out looked pretty lame from the initial trailer and not at all worth my hard earned pennies. The red band trailer was released, and had Tracy Morgan punching kids in the nuts, Bruce Willis swearing like a trooper and my heart, which was once cold and hard was all a flutter.  Same thing here with Kickass, there have been a number of trailers and all have made the movie out to be quite excellent. Redband trailer comes along and I literally wet my pants, I’m THAT excited! Dick jokes, violence and a nerdy laugh from Nicholas Cage.

Please for the love of God Kickass, live up to your damn trailer!

Let us know what you think.

Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 1% [?]

Some people consider this a slap in the face to the original designs.  I’m here to tell you these re-castings prove those people are wrong.  If you look at the worlds in which these characters were created you’d think that black people never made it off the boat.  In New York no less.  That’s not realistic.  Modern writers knew that and gave birth to some refreshing adaptations of each character.  And so black icons were born.  Happy Black History Month!

5) Catwoman – Batman

Original Character Traits: Selena Kyle is sassy, sexy and tough as nails.  Part pussy, part b*tch.  The ultimate diva.

Why they went black: Have you met a black woman?  Haha, j/k.  Sort of.  When you think Catwoman — for a lot of people — Eartha Kitt comes to mind.  Eartha was the purrr-fect (couldn’t resist) blend of femininity and ass-kicking toughness.  She was the cat with the canary.  She could kiss it or eat it, you just never know.  Halle Berry was a good choice too…the script was not.

4) Robert Neville – I Am Legend

Original Character Traits: A gritty scientist trying to revive humanity — while holding onto his own — who hunts vam-zombies.

Why they went black: Can you really go wrong casting Will Smith?  Anyway, 50 years ago most people would laugh at the idea of a black person being Robert Neville, a brilliant scientist.  Today, it’s not so far fetched.  Besides, if you think of someone being brilliant yet fit enough to survivor an apocalypse and still interesting enough to capture our attention Cast Away-style…again it’s Will Smith.

3) Kingpin – Daredevil

Original Character Traits: the Kingpin is gigantic, but not fat.  Tough.  Brawler.  Feared.  Threatening in a “holy sh*t get out of this guy’s way” way.

Why they went black: This one was a no-brainer.  The deep voice and imposingly muscular presence alone made Michael Clarke Duncan the obvious choice.  Add that Kingpin was from one of the roughest neighborhoods in New York and why not make him a ‘hood survivor?  It just makes sense.

2) Dracula – Vampire in Brooklyn

Original Character Traits: Charming but deadly.

Why they went black: Okay so Eddie Murphy wasn’t exactly playing Dracula, but it’s the same principle.  Typically when a black person is cast in a movie he’s the lover or the fighter.  There doesn’t seem to be an in between in the perception of African-Americans.  No black geeks, nerds or outcasts.  Dracula was both a lover and a fighter.  There you go.

1) God – Bruce Almighty

Original Character Traits: The creator.  His son — or He if that’s what you believe — had “skin of bronze and hair of wool.”

Why they went black: Who’s that sound like to you?  Morgan Freeman is practically a god himself though, so he was a perfect fit.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

Stargate Studios reveals just how many of your favorite television shows rely on green screens for their outdoor scenes. The answer: all of them.

[via TBT]

Popularity: 1% [?]