Humor District

As told to me by the ghosts of Hollywood past, present and future.

1) Past – The Oscars are still going to suck.

So let me get this straight, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences decided it was going to expand the nominees to a field of 10 in an attempt to “shake things up” and inspire new viewers to tune into their diminishing little party and these are the 10 movies they chose to honor?  What’s so different about these 10 than the previous five?  Up, and what else?  Seems like the same old Hollywood artsy-fartsy club that mainstream America has avoided for the past decade to me.  Check this chart if you don’t believe me.

If anything, the only thing the academy has accomplished is diluting it’s own indie gold pool.  If you’re going to be snobbish, then do it with your nose proudly in the air like people expect, and if you’re going to give the people a voice, then do it with your head held high, but don’t try to straddle the fence.  We all know what happens when a man tries to straddle a fence.

2) Present – Roman Polanski is still a monster.

I don’t typically get upset at “celebrity” issues, but the total disregard for human decency in the way the Berlin Film Festival is triping over themselves to make excuses for Roman Polanski is appalling.  I do not understand how people still want to honor that guy.  Even if your German you have to be a little disturbed that a grown man raped a child.  I already ranted about how unfair the treatment is here.  So now I just want to know how anyone can honestly applaud this man, shake his hand, hand him a trophy and say, “Nice work” without wanting to punch him in the face.  I understand forgiveness, believe me, but I also know that you cannot forgive someone who doesn’t want to be forgiven.

3) Future – Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is going to make us hate them even more.

Is this really a good time for a wall street movie…where wall streeters are the protagonist?  Does anybody really want to sympathize with them right now?  Does anyone really care to understand them right now?  Would anybody shed a tear for a murdered fat-cat?  My guess is a big fat American no.  Maybe if it was a movie about Joe Shia robbing wall street Robin Hood-style, then people would be up for that, but not a movie glorifying and rationalizing corporate greed.  I know this is an iconic movie with iconic character Gordon Gekko, but I just don’t see “the people” flocking to the theaters to see this.

Oh no, Shia LaBeouf has to hurry up and warn Wall Street of the impeding doom!  Hurry Shia, hurry!  Wait a second…Shia…how about you warn the American people first jerk-wad!

(Sorry Shia, I like you, but you just kind of got caught in the crossfire by playing this character).

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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Exciting stuff, it’s Fokken Awesome to see District 9 crack the nod for Best Picture and 3 other nominations not to be scoffed at. Oh yes and Abadah got a bunch.

A little surprised to see Up and Up in the Air, both up for Best Picture. But it will be amazing if someone with the balls, Mickey Rourke say, gives out the award as such “And the Oscar goes to UP…”, team Up high-five each other and start running down the aisle and when all of a sudden, in the most badass drunk tone Rourke finishes their geeky dreams with “…in the Air!!!”. School Bully comes full circle ya bunch of nerds.

View all the nominations below:

[Via oscar.go.com]
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Here on HumorDistrict we recently had a post about the Top 5 Musical Moments in Community. It seems that DJ Steve Porter also appreciates the musical interludes during Community, because he has created a digital remix with Barely Digital. Of course it includes the now famous “Spanish Rap” but DJ Steve Porter has also added in his own elements, possibly even improving upon the original. Here it is, the DJ Steve Porter Community Remix, as awesome as the show itself.

If you enjoyed that video check out DJ Steve Porter’s YouTube page.

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It is well known that many schools, due to a lack of funding, have had to cut back on their art departments. As a result, many young people today don’t have the benefit of learning about music in school. That is why it is so great to see Community, a show about people attending community college, have such an emphasis on music. OK, so maybe Community doesn’t have much of an educational emphasis, but it has had some very memorable musical moments.

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Every guy loves a bad girl, but these five movie villains won’t just leave you broken-hearted, they will stop your heart completely.  And they are so sexy, you’ll never see it coming.  But your mother did, and here’s how she would describe them (as well as a little man to man advice).

What mom would say: “You gonna catch something from that slut.”

Why you should listen: And that something — most likely a dagger — is going to end life as you know it.  You think she’s innocent and you think you can handle it, but in that instant she’s got you.  And you’re going to suffer.  Though it’s not personal, it’s just business.

Why you won’t listen: If you’ve got to go, go with a smile.  And we all think we’re invincible right?  Yup, all the way to the grave.

What mom would say: “You better wear your thermals sleeping next to that frigid feminist.”

Why you should listen: This woman has one goal and that’s to destroy man without the slightest hesitation.  Somewhere along the line she was programed to believe that we are the enemy and nothing you can do will change that.  And it’s just no fun getting all warm and cozy with an robotic icebox.

Why you won’t listen: She hates you, and that’s sexy.  The only time the T-X shows an ounce of emotion is when she’s trying to kill you and that makes you think she’s into you.  Any woman you can make “passionate” one way, you can make her go the other way too right?  Wrong.  She just hates you dude.

What mom would say: “That diva just keeps singing her own song, when do you get a turn?”

Why you should listen: The difference between her and Plaster of Paris is that Paris will at least pretend you matter.  The temptress must be the center of attention at all times.  And she wasn’t just eating you, she’s eating everyone.  Why?  For the attention of course.  The more the merrier with her and emasculating for you.

Why you won’t listen: Conquest is it’s own prize.  There is nothing like taming a shrew is there?  The problem is you can’t change a blood sucking demon back into a human.  So if you clip her fangs, you’re only going to piss her off.

What mom would say: “Does Miss Clingy ever let you breath?”

Why you should listen: She may pamper you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, but it’s all to soften you up for the gut check reality that she’s going to have your baby whether you want to or not.  There is no breaking up with this girl.  She will have your head.

Why you won’t listen: She makes you feel important.  Make you feel desired and wanted, and that’s great right?  Sure it is, until you feel trapped.

What mom would say: “She hates her ex too much to love you.”

Why you should listen: It’s the circle of love.  Some guy manipulated her so he could stab her in the heart and now she’s coming to rips yours out too because she believes “it’s just part of the game.”  It’s not.  She’s just never going to shake the demons that her previous lover put inside her.  The innocent girl you could have been happy with is dead.  Yet…

Why you won’t listen: You think you can fix her.  You believe you can exercise those demons and save her.  Show her how to be strong and love hard.  But even if you do, you’re soul isn’t going to come back completely clean either.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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