Humor District

There has been a recent movement on Twitter to cast Donald Glover as the next Spider-Man. Glover is best known for his role as Troy on NBC’s Community, and for his sketch comedy group Derrick Comedy. It appears that one of the driving forces behind Donald Glover’s nomination for the Spider-Man role is that people want a black Spider-Man. Personally, I think Donald Glover would be great, but for a different reason.

First off, a black Spider-Man would be pretty awesome, especially if he teamed up with Luke Cage. More specifically, a Donald Glover Spider-Man would be awesome, because he fits the role so well. Anybody who has seen his sketch comedy performances knows that Donald Glover often plays the socially awkward guy with a touch of nerd. There we have the Peter Parker side. Donald Glover also has enough muscle definition to play the star quarterback on Community. Here we have solved the dilemma of having a character who not only has a nerdy side, but a side that can punch clear through your chest cavity. We only had one of those sides with Tobey Maguire. Most importantly, Donald Glover can recapture the humor of Spider-Man. Spider-Man used to be known for his witty one-liners in the heat of battle. It is his humorous personality that makes him so lovable. Tobey Maguire never showed that side of Spider-Man, preferring to go for the emo dance routine version. I firmly believe Donald Glover can bring that funny side of Spider-Man back. If you have seen any of his work I am sure you will agree. Not every comic book character needs to be moody and have a voice that sounds like a poorly maintained gravel driveway like Batman. That is why I plan on fully supporting the #donald4spiderman movement on Twitter. Let’s see what Donald Glover can do.

Popularity: 3% [?]

The NBA Finals are just around the corner, and these games are getting heated. There’s drama, suspense, and plenty of violence in the Boston/Orlando series. It is no surprise that this exact atmosphere is so often portrayed in movies. Basketball is an emotional and entertaining sport, so it makes sense that people would like movies about basketball. Here are some of the best basketball movies ever to get you ready for the NBA Finals.

Space Jam

When it comes to the pure enjoyability of a movie, no basketball movie beats Space Jam. Michael Jordan teams up with Bugs Bunny and the gang to play a race of aliens in the most important game in history. It also has Charles Barkley and Muggsy Bogues as guys who are terrible at basketball, a hot lady bunny, and the guy who got venom in the eye in Jurassic Park as a substitute player. Basically this all adds up to basketball movie greatness.

Hoosiers

Hoosiers is one of the most inspirational movies of all time. It is the classic underdog story with Gene Hackman coaching his team to the big game, despite the fact everyone associated with the team could be considered dysfunctional. Gene Hackman is reminiscent of legendary coach Bobby Knight with his hair-trigger temper, history of smacking players and strict rules.

White Men Can’t Jump

Woody Harrelson plays a basketball hustler in this great movie, and goes up against Wesley Snipes. Harrelson uses the fact that most people don’t think white guys can be that good at basketball against them, and ends up taking their money on the court. Unfortunately he can’t dunk. If you read the title, you will realize that is because white men can’t jump, and thus can’t reach the rim. White Men Can’t Jump asks the age old question is friendship and a large gambling debt to the mob enough motivation to complete a successful alley oop? The answer is yes.

Coach Carter

Pretty much any movie with Samuel L. Jackson is entertaining. The man just has some sort of super interesting aura about him. Coach Carter didn’t just rely on Samuel L. Jackson though, as it was a truly entertaining movie. It differed from many sports movies in that it had an extremely strong message that sports aren’t everything in life. The pivotal point in the movie is when the team’s grade point average drops and Coach Carter locks them out of the gym until they can get their grades up. Of course this raises the ire of the parents and team supporters, but Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t give a damn. He does what he wants.

Blue Chips

Blue Chips focused on the dark side of college basketball, specifically what kind of incentives star players were given to play for their schools. This involved cars and money being given to players, giving their parents jobs and houses, anything was fair game when it came to luring the best players to the school. The story was actually pretty interesting, but it is clear that Nick Nolte is the only real actor in the movie. With that said, it is hilarious to see a young Shaquille O’Neal acting, he ups the entertainment factor of Blue Chips by a million.

Popularity: 7% [?]

We are coming up on that time of year when many of our favorite shows are coming to an end. Some will be back after a brief hiatus, but others won’t have any new episodes. It has long been a theme to have the last episode of a season, and especially series, be a special event that shakes the foundation of the show. The purpose of the season finale is to leave you with an episode that brings you back for more, which is why they are so often cliffhangers. Some have done better than others, and these are the season finales that have not only brought people back for future seasons, but have had a tremendous impact on the series in general.

Who Shot Mr. Burns – The Simpsons

The Simpsons basically spoofed an old season finale of Dallas with their Who Shot Mr. Burns story arc. The finale had Mr. Burns plotting to build a device that would block out the sun and make the citizens of Springfield rely on his power plant to provide light for them. It was a cruel and devious plan, even by his standards. Of course everyone in Springfield was outraged by this, and at the end of the episode Mr. Burns was shot. The only problem was that everyone in town could be considered a suspect. Mr. Burns has never won any popularity contests. Fox built up the mystery with various promotional deals and contests, and we were left with a Simpsons episode we would never forget.

The Kiss – The Office

Jim and Pam’s romance on The Office is something we take for granted these days. It seems so long ago that Jim was constantly hanging around Pam’s desk and Pam was engaged to some guy in the warehouse. The season finale of season 2 had Jim finally confess his love for Pam in the middle of a rainy parking lot. She looked at him, they had a moment, then she said no and ran away. It looked like all was lost for Jim, until he tracked her down. While Pam might have been saying no, her body was most definitely saying yes. Jim and Pam end the episode with a kiss that cements their romance for the rest of the series.

Borgified – Star Trek: The Next Generation

Captain Jean-Luc Picard was the indomitable Captain of the USS Enterprise who had triumphed over every alien threat he had faced. He was the stalwart character, the leading man who could do no wrong. You just don’t expect anything to happen to a character like that. He just saves the day. That was the story until the Borg showed up at the end of Season 3. The Borg proved that resistance was futile, and set about assimilating people all over the place. This time there was no last second triumph, as Captain Jean-Luc Picard was Borgified himself, becoming that which he most despised.

The Mystery of Cartman’s Father – South Park

There are several themes in South Park. Kenny is poor, Stan and Kyle learn life lessons each episode, and Cartman’s mom is a big slut and possible drug addict. The promiscuous ways of Cartman’s mom led up to the events of the season 1 finale. Cartman’s mom had been with so many men, that nobody could be sure of who Cartman’s father actually was. Cartman was seriously hoping that his dad was John Elway of the Denver Broncos, but pretty much every other guy on the team was potentially his father as well. With most of the town gathered around Cartman, the mystery of his father was soon to be revealed, with lasting repercussions. It was not until the 201st episode that the mystery of Cartman’s father was truly solved.

Grave Danger – CSI

By season 5, most of us were tired of seeing the same old routine of the crime being solved after the CSI team analyzes a boot print, bullet casing, or semen sample. Luckily the season 5 finale shook things up by bringing in Quentin Tarantino to direct the episode. It was one of the most suspenseful episodes in the series, with one of the main characters, Nick Stokes, becoming trapped in a coffin. If that wasn’t creepy enough, the coffin has plenty of devious contraptions to prevent his escape or rescue. Quentin Tarantino did a great job in mixing things up on this season finale.

Popularity: 4% [?]

The old Super Friends cartoon was pretty ridiculous. It is still fun to watch, but that is because we like to laugh at the pure cheesiness of it. The animation was poor, the dialogue was subpar, yet it had a great amount of success. The same can be said for Taco Bell. They don’t have the best ingredients, you might get hepatitis from their burritos, but we still can’t stop eating there. It sounds like the two were made for each other.

Taco Bell has gone above and beyond with their newest ad campaign, featuring animated shorts of characters with a definite Super Friends kind of vibe to them. Even the animation and subpar dialogue is similar. The Super Delicious Ingredient Force is absolutely hilarious. It is a shame that Taco Bell doesn’t always have commercials of this quality, in fact, most of their commercials are terrible. You won’t see this commercial on television, but you can visit the Super Delicious Ingredient Force website for more videos. The safety message at the end is a nice touch.

Popularity: 3% [?]

There was a time when seeing a cowboy movie meant saloons and shootouts, not two guys hugging each other in a tent. Westerns has a certain no nonsense approach to them. There was a man who represented all that was manly, and he’d track the bad guys until he got his chance to shoot them down. Unless of course he was the bad guy, in which case he would have a certain amount of honor in gunning the sheriff down. These men were the reason we asked our parents for little cowboy hats and would pretend the rocking chair was a bucking bronco. None of us could match up to the manliness of these great cowboys though.

Rooster Cogburn – John Wayne

John Wayne played US Marshal Rooster Cogburn in the movie True Grit. He started the movie out as a man who loved his liquor and a cat named General Sterling Price. He didn’t seem like a very promising prospect when a little girl, Mattie Ross, asked for his help in tracking down her father’s killer. He seems like an exceptionally poor choice when a Texas Ranger has already offered his assistance. Cogburn still loves his drink, but he shows that he knows his business when it comes to hunting down the bad guys. He, the Ranger, and Maddie catch up with the killer and Cogburn puts him down and leaps into a hole to save Maddie who has been bitten by a rattlesnake. He then proceeds to carry her to safety. That’s what makes Rooster Cogburn a real man.

Man With No Name – Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood revolutionized Westerns with his portrayal of the Man With No Name. Before him, most stars of Westerns were straight laced guys who went out and got the bad guys and rode off into the sunset. The Man With No Name would also go get the bad guys, he just expected to be paid for it. There is an old saying that if you’re good at something, don’t do it for free. The Man With No Name was good at tracking people down and putting a bullet through them, so bounty hunter was the obvious career path for him. Through him we got to see a more lawless Western, where the fastest (and most accurate) gun decided what was right.

Ben Wade – Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe showed our generation can also turn out a pretty badass cowboy. Russell Crowe played the infamous bandit Ben Wade in 2007′s 3:10 to Yuma. Here we saw a ruthless criminal, but a criminal with honor. When he was captured and taken to the Yuma train he certainly didn’t make things easy for his escorts. They dropped off one by one, until only a simple farmer was left to get him to the train. To make matters worse, Wade’s gang was putting the city they were in under siege to try and rescue their boss. The farmer manages to get Wade to the train, sacrificing his life to do it. Wade saw what his captor had done and showed that criminals can have honor too, shooting his gang and boarding the train to prison of his own free will. Of course he was already well experienced in escaping from prison, reducing his worry of being hanged, but it was still a nice gesture.

Bernardo O’Reilly – Charles Bronson

Charles Bronson is famous for playing the bad guy in movies, but he was one of the best good guys in The Magnificent Seven. He was Bernardo O’Reilly, one of seven hired guns who were paid to protect a Mexican town from bandits. While other members of the gang were definitely in it for the money, O’Reilly formed a connection with the town, especially the children. As a result, he was ready to fight when the bandits showed up. That was more than could be said for some of the others. When they get run out of town by the bandits, Bernardo is more than willing to go back and save those he has grown to care for. When he sees the children in danger he leaps into action and saves them, giving up his life to do it. There’s an example of supreme manliness.

Doc Holliday – Val Kilmer

Val Kilmer gave the best performance of his career as Doc Holliday in Tombstone. He is a drinker, a gambler, and the best gunslinger around. That description already solidifies his reputation as being awesome. Unfortunately, Doc Holliday has tuberculosis and goes through life gravely ill. This doesn’t stop him from doing everything he can to help out his friends though. Even with his poor health, Doc Holliday doesn’t shy away from gunfights. His draw is still the fastest around and no criminal can beat him. He didn’t die protecting his friends because he was too good to be put down by any man. Eventually his health gives out and he dies peacefully, knowing he has done all the good he can. More importantly, he had the best quotes in the movie. “I’m your huckleberry”.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Movies have always been a great opportunity to see some very attractive women. It was figured out very early that the best way to get men to come see a movie is by having violence and beautiful women. It also helps to serve steak and beer in the lobby of the theater, but that is a less common business practice. So while the olden days might have had 5 cent hot dogs and people who read the newspaper, we can agree that every era has their fair share of hotness in the female form.

Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn is essentially a synonym for beauty. She was ridiculously good looking during her prime and had that rare attribute of aging gracefully. Her slim features are easily recognizable and live on past her death as the standard for beauty. I know I would have spent a week’s wages on a 10 cent ticket to go see Audrey Hepburn in a movie. Pretty much every guy did, and that turned her into a star.

Marilyn Monroe

When you think of the term “sex symbol” the first image that pops into your head probably isn’t fit to write about on a family friendly site such as this. In a close second is Marilyn Monroe. She was sex incarnate. With rumors linking her to such famous men as JFK and her marriage to Joe DiMaggio, it is no surprise that Joe Everyman wanted a piece. Her role in Gentleman Prefer Blondes showed the  way she could use her good looks to do what she wanted, much like she could in life.

Raquel Welch

One Million Years B.C. claimed on the movie poster that “this is the way it was”. Now I’m no history buff, but I am fairly sure that dinosaurs didn’t coexist with humans, and I am also fairly certain that cavewomen were nowhere near as hot as Raquel Welch. She was the reason for the movie’s other tag line: “…discover a savage world whose only law is lust”. After seeing Raquel Welch in her cavelady outfit, I would totally take on a velociraptor.

Sophia Loren

Sophia Loren is the only one of these actresses who has appeared in a movie recently. That is most likely because the only other woman still alive from this list is Raquel Welch. It is interesting to see how Sophia Loren has aged, because even as a woman who has seen many years, you can tell she was a fox in her day. She starred in movies as the love interest of such actors as Clark Gable, Charlton Heston, and Paul Newman. If she was a good enough for them she is definitely good enough for me.

Rita Hayworth

Before Marilyn Monroe came around, Rita Hayworth was the sex symbol of America. Her dance experience gave her moves that people went crazy for. She not only starred in movies with men like Fred Astaire, but became one of the most popular pin-up girls of all time. She was also extremely proud of never doing a nude scene in a movie, much to the disappointment of men all over. She did, however, come close. Ask your grandpa about it, he’ll fill you in.

Popularity: 20% [?]

Eddie Murphy used to be hilarious. His stand up comedy was great, everybody loved the Beverly Hills Cop franchise, and he was just generally known as a funny guy. He shows glimpses of that humor as Donkey in the Shrek movies. As far as his live action movies go, Eddie Murphy hass been flopping for a long time, which is why nobody besides him really has an interest in a third Nutty Professor movie.

His more recent live action films have included Norbit, Meet Dave, and The Adventures of Pluto Nash. They were all terrible. Nobody gets excited about Eddie Murphy movies anymore unless he is a talking donkey in them. And even that has pretty much run its course. Eddie Murphy has been working on the script for the third Nutty Professor movie, but as of yet no studio has picked it up. It is more of a passion project for Murphy. I would be surprised if a studio gambled on this script to see if Eddie Murphy can be funny again, chances are the Nutty Professor series is dead and buried. Eddie Murphy just needs to let it go and just start doing cameos in various movies with witty one-liners. I thinking his leading role days are well behind him.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Aliens are pretty popular in movies, as shown by the success of movies like Alien. It is entertaining to think about what other life could be in the universe, whether it is hunting us down like in Predator, or showing children the power of its finger like in E.T. Sometimes these alien characters become such a part of our lives that we forget that they are aliens at all. These are those aliens who have become so well known that the fact they are aliens is often overlooked. We can be very accepting towards fictional characters when we want to be.

Transformers

The first thing people think of when they hear Transformers is “I want one”. The next is the fact that they are robots in disguise, and those disguises are awesome cars and fighter jets. The key term there is “robots”. Aliens are not mentioned anywhere in the catchphrase. Yet the Transformers are exactly that, coming from the planet of Cybertron. It is stated in the movies that Transformers are aliens, but their robotic nature overshadows their alien heritage.

Superman

Superman has starred in many movies as the purveyor of truth, justice, and the American way. Some would say Superman is as American as apple pie, especially when he was played by Christopher Reeve. The truth of the matter is Superman is not only an alien, but an illegal alien. He was launched in a rocket from his dying homeworld of Krypton to land on earth when he was a baby. Didn’t fill out the proper paperwork or anything. Superman has been such an iconic hero that we tend to forget the fact he is an alien altogether, at least until he messes up.

Luke Skywalker

Luke Skywalker is a strange and alien creature. If you remember the opening to Star Wars, it begins “A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away”. It is safe to assume that since the story is set in a galaxy that is not the Milky Way and none of the planets are called earth, Luke Skywalker is not from earth. Therefore, Luke Skywalker is an alien. It is hard to think of him as an alien when he looks so normal and other characters like Chewbacca and Yoda are so obviously aliens. That does not change the fact that Luke Skywalker, and even Han Solo are alien creatures who must have had similar evolutionary paths to ours.

Spider-Man’s Costume

First off I would like to apologize for bringing up Spider-Man 3. I’m sure you were trying to forget having seen it and Tobey Maguire’s dancing. Spider-Man himself was not an alien, he was just a normal guy who got bit by a radioactive spider and developed superpowers. Just your everyday earthling stuff. It was his costume in Spider-Man 3 that was an alien. We usually think of aliens as at least vaguely humanoid creatures, not a pair of blue jeans, so it is hard to think of Spider-Man’s costume as a living sentient entity. It is harder to think that living alien entity was all up in Spider-Man’s crack.

Popularity: 2% [?]

There is something inherently scary about little kids and their blank eyed stares. Maybe it is because when kids are small they have no moral compass until it is taught to them. From the ages of one to five, children are plotting your death every time you refuse to give them a cookie. Luckily they are too small and weak to go through with these plans. Except for these kids. They will destroy you unless you let them watch an extra 30 minutes of television before bedtime, and there would be nothing you could do about it.

Hit-Girl – Kick-Ass

Chloe Moretz did an amazing job in Kick-Ass as Hit-Girl. She eviscerated many criminals and those who escaped her sword got a bullet in the head. She also held her own against a grown man in hand to hand combat. What that adds up to is a terrifying little child. She is also the perfect size to reach vulnerable places, a particularly sobering thought when she has weapons. Hit-Girl is definitely one of the most violent kids we have seen in movies for a while.

Damien – The Omen

What is creepier than a little kid with a blank eyed stare? A little kid with a blank eyed stare and supernatural powers who happens to be the son of the devil. Yeah, that is not a good combination, at least not if you want to continue living. If you get in his way your life expectancy lowers considerably. The worst part is people frown upon the act of trying to kill him when you find out he is demon spawn, after all, he still looks like a little kid. Beating up small children is not the most accepted of hobbies in these parts. You are just forced to sit back and watch him push pregnant ladies down the stairs.

The Children of the Corn

Now we have what is basically an entire town full of Damiens. Isaac and Malachai are the ringleaders of the children, who sacrifice all of the adults to their demonic god so they get a good corn harvest. Yeah, for some reason the kids care about corn, which in my opinion makes them scarier. After they kill the adults they hang them up in obscene ritualistic ways, making them perhaps the most depraved kids in movies.

3 Ninjas

In order to make sure you can sleep tonight we will end with some less terrifying children. They will still beat you up, but only if you are evil. The 3 ninjas vary in size and skill, but they have surprisingly good strategy when bringing down full grown men. They attack from different directions to keep you off balance and aren’t afraid to go for cheap shots. Hey, at least they aren’t trying to feed your soul to hungry demons or anything. I still wouldn’t want to babysit any of the kids on this list.

Popularity: 2% [?]

It appears that Marvel has gotten tired of all these jive honkies in their movies, and have finally decided to bring back the one man who can rock a tiara. After years of speculation on a Luke Cage movie, the Los Angeles Times reports that some Hollywood star is in talks for the role. OK, that really doesn’t give us much at this point besides a new rumor, but it does give me a chance to post this picture:

That guy in the canary yellow shirt and tiara could be the next big hero that your kids look up to. With the quality of the movies Marvel has been putting out recently I seriously doubt that the main character, Luke Cage, (often rumored to be played by Tyrese Gibson FYI) will wear this original outfit, except maybe as a throwaway gag. We can expect to see an outfit more like this:

All modern and 50 Cent-ish, that’s the way to bring a crowd. I think the best thing they could do is have Stan Lee wear that first outfit during his compulsory cameo. At this point though, it is simply a new rumor. After seeing Iron Man 2 have such a successful opening weekend it has become more clear than ever that comic movies can draw in a crowd. It would not be surprising to hear more about the progress of a Luke Cage movie, after all, Marvel wants to strike while the iron is hot. Or something like that. I don’t know proper blacksmith techniques. What I do know is Nicolas Cage actually chose the “Cage” part of his name because of Luke Cage. Could that be a hint to the identity of the rumored Hollywood star in talks for the role? That would be hilarious.

Popularity: 1% [?]