As you have probably noticed, Thanksgiving has come and gone. That of course means we have been inundated with everything Christmas related. From television to the radio to our showoff neighbor’s front yard, there is no escaping the holiday season. Television specials might be the guiltiest party, whether it is Christmas themed specials of shows or the same Christmas movies played over and over starting the day after Thanksgiving. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no Grinch. Some of these Christmas Specials are true holiday classics that can be enjoyed each and every year. Others are abominations that make me want to tell children everywhere there is no Santa so that we stop celebrating Christmas and never have to see these terrible Christmas themed movies ever again. Here are some of the worst.
Do you speak Wookie? if you answered that question with a yes, please contact me, because I would really like to know what was said during the long conversations the Wookies have in The Star Wars Holiday Special that didn’t even have subtitles. I would also like to know what Bea Arthur was doing there and why Han Solo feels like hugging everything instead of being the gruff rebel who shoots first that we have come to know and love. The only thing The Star Wars Holiday Special does is leave me with questions, the biggest one being why this was ever allowed to be made. It makes Jar Jar Binks seem like a good idea by comparison.
A Chipmunk Christmas
A Chipmunk Christmas started off like a pretty generic Christmas special. Alvin and the chipmunks sing a myriad of joyful Christmas songs, Dave yells a lot, people get hugs and presents, pretty standard Christmas fare. The twist here is how Alvin learns that he shouldn’t be so greedy during the Christmas season. A child dying of cholera teaches Alvin the true meaning of Christmas. That is just messed up, kids dying, especially kids dying of freaking cholera, should not be portrayed in Christmas specials which are obviously aimed towards kids. I guess we should be happy the chipmunks didn’t burst into song about the debilitating effects of cholera.
First off, The Smurfs were terrible already. Why they are making a Smurfs movie is beyond me, but back to the point. You remember how the Chipmunks Christmas Special had a kid with cholera in it? Well the Smurfs start their bit of holiday cheer off by killing a kid’s grandfather in a sleigh crash. Merry Christmas! I could probably get past that, we can just assume the grandfather had lived a long and fulfilled life. What I can’t forgive is how the Smurfs constantly sing songs that are just four poorly written lines repeated over and over and over. I wish Gargamel had eaten every single one of those blue idiots.
He-Man and She-Ra had cartoons for the sole purpose of selling their action figures. It comes as no surprise that He-Man and She-Ra would try to collect on the holiday season and do some cross promoting. What does come as a surprise is the fact that instead of beating Skeletor to a bloody pulp, He-Man and She-Ra teach him the importance of caring about others. He is Skeletor! He doesn’t care about anything except conquering Eternia! I call shenanigans right now. I guess the real weird part of this Christmas special is the two kids from earth hanging out with a muscular guy who obviously waxes his chest and wears nothing but a speedo at all times, but we won’t get into that right now.