As told to me by the ghosts of Hollywood past, present and future.
Past: Hulk Hogan is the cause of movies like the Tooth Fairy.
When wrestling icon Hulk Hogan signed on to star in Mr. Nanny in 1993 he cursed action stars for eternity. Now any meathead who can bench press the director is obligated to sell his testicles if he wants to “cross over” and attract a young female audience to combine with his massive male audience. This must be what Vin Diesel (the Pacifier) and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (The Tooth Fairy) believe. Right?
But my question is, does the same work in reverse? Could you ever have a movie starring a domesticated female who suddenly finds herself the go-to-hero on a bloody battlefield surviving by using techniques she learned in the kitchen? Could Renee Zellweger or Carrie Brad…Sarah Jessica Parker go from shopaholics to rage-a-holics? Let’s all pray they try.
Present: Disney will never cast a black princess again.
Before the Princess and the Frog struggled to break the century mark, the last Disney animated adventure to gross less than 100 million was Meet the Robinson’s in March of 2007. In that span, Bolt, Ratatouille, Wall-E, Up and A Christmas Carol all top 9 figures. So a dog, rat, robot and a couple of geezers are all more bankable than a black princess, who by the way turns into a slimy, ugly frog.
Maybe it’s because of all the “hey come see Disney’s first black princess” advertising. People don’t like to be sold. I think if they’d advertised, “hey come watch this princess adventure with your daughters” the audience would have figure out she was black on their own. But anyway, America has spoken. Black President, yes we can. Black princess, no not yet.
Future: NBC will never be a ratings juggernaut with it’s current executives.
After NBC punted Conan O’Brien on 2nd down there is no way they are getting the ratings-ball back. And I’m not just talking about at 11:30 either. This clearly shows that no one at that network with any pull has vision or balls, two essentials in building a winning team. After 5 years of planning, yanking O’Brien after a couple of months is spineless. Anybody remember the old saying, “no guts, no glory”?
This explains why they are constantly one step behind in breakthrough programming and cheating off the other networks papers (see: America’s Got Talent and the Listener as prime examples). And let’s pretend for a second that they “had” to cancel Conan because of low ratings. Are you telling me they didn’t see any holes or warning signs during that 5 year span? If not, someone should probably reevaluate their career choice.
Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter
The Avatar sex scene which was in the script but ultimately left out of the movie because well… no one wants to see that shit. 2 Girls, 1 Cup… Avatar Sex Scene? 2 GIRLS 1 CUP! Everytime. Luckily for you and me, this animated short is not that scripted scene. It comes straight from the twisted mind of an animator Harry Partridge. Harry explains the why exactly he created this bizzare yet hilarious short.
