Humor District

There are some movies that just make you proud to be a man. When you watch them you can’t help but feel the desire to go out and let off some testosterone fueled destruction. These are the movies that make you want to assert your dominance over the next person you see. These are the 5 manliest movies of all time.

300 is one of the greatest guy movies of all time. It involves a group of men, who have the physiques we wish we did, kicking an extraordinary amount of ass. 10,000 guys? No problem, these 300 Spartans will casually kill all of them. Even when hulking mutated monstrosities make their charge against the Spartans they are cut down like the rest. This movie can be summed up in the words Queen Gorgo gives to a departing King Leonidas: “Come back with your shield, or on it.” There is no halfway for a Spartan.

Gladiator is essentially the story of one man against all of Rome. As guys, we can appreciate this because we all have a bit of a lone wolf mentality. We all wish we could be the guy who made a difference, preferably by being muscular and killing other less manly men. Russell Crowe also shows conviction in his beliefs and loyalty to his family, despite the fact that this leads to his death. Going out in a blaze of glory like that is also extremely manly.

Batman is quite possibly the manliest man ever. He is in peak physical condition, is rakishly handsome, has oodles of money and women, and is one of the smartest men alive. That is known as the complete package of manliness. What makes The Dark Knight so manly is the fact it shows a more vulnerable side of Batman, as he struggles with his decision to not kill. While all the things I previously listed make Batman manly, it his conviction to his morals and ability to make hard decisions that make The Dark Knight a manly movie. That and the multiple thugs getting the crap beat out of them.

Yipee-ki-yay motherfucker. That’s all you need to know about the manly factor of Die Hard. For those of you who don’t feel satisfied with that quote, let me give you a basic overview of Die Hard. Bruce Willis plays New York cop John McClane, who is at an office party trying to reconcile things with his wife. A bunch of terrorists decide that this office party is the perfect place to enact their overly complicated plan. John McClane does not stand for this. He is an unstoppable engine of terrorist destruction, and is so manly that even a floor covered in glass is no match for his bare feet. Die Hard is unarguably one of the manliest movies of all time.

Yes, I realize some of you are feeling your manhood shrivel up just by reading The Notebook on this list. Relax for a second and give me a chance to explain. Is there anything manlier than getting, shall we say, intimate with a lady friend? If anything manlier than that has been invented, please let me know. For now though, I think it can be agreed that seducing women is a fairly manly activity. In that respect, no movie has done more for men seeking the entrance to lady pants than The Notebook. This movie is classified as an aphrodisiac, that’s how powerfully it affects women. It might not have enough violence and bloodshed for most guys’ liking, but it is an invaluable tool for the manliest pursuit of all.

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Redband trailer for Kevin Smith’s Cop Out with Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan is out, and really, thank God for redband trailers. Theres swearing and Tracy Morgan punching a kid in the nuts. Looks like a damn good movie. The only problem I see it having is the Kevin Smith factor, OK fan boys settle down and hear me out. When I think “Kevin Smith” first thing that comes to mind is “Clerks” and I let out a little smile, and then I think “Jersey Girl” and I dry-heave. Zack and Miri Make a Porno — smile, Clerks II — dry heave. Here’s hoping Cop Out comes out punching with the smiles, and not lying on the canvas in a pool of last nights carrots.

What you guys think, hit or miss?

[via FSR]

Popularity: 1% [?]

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride for these unlucky ladies, but truth be told, if the male heroes had any sense whatsoever, they’d realize that these prime choices would make far better mates then the cover girls they’ve selected.

5) Faith – Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Who she was dumped for: Buffy Summers

Why she wasn’t chosen: We can’t just disregard the fact that Faith went nuts and killed a lot of people.  She can also be very isolated, irritable and unstable at times.

Why she should’ve been chosen: So what she had an affinity for torturing tied up men with sharp objects, some people call that a fetish.  Buffy was always a little bland.  A little too “I can do bad all by myself.”  Faith is accepting of your flaws because the pot can’t call the kettle black.  You’d do a lot more of holding each other up, then with Buffy’s “I got this” attitude.

4) Erika – Underworld

Who she was dumped for: Selene

Why she wasn’t chosen: Erika was just a little too desperate wasn’t she?  Not many men are interested in a woman who completely throws herself out there.  Most prefer to see a little restraint.  A little challenge.  And of course there was her whole, “I want to be queen” attitude that would make you wonder if she was after you or the crown.

Why she should’ve been chosen: She’d love you until it hurt.  Of course she’s into your status, what woman isn’t?  Erika is completely willing to go above and beyond for you and she’s right there!  No need to go chasing after the one woman you can’t have, simply because you can’t have her.  The second you catch her, the fantasy dies and you’re just going to let her go anyway.

3) Storm – X-Men

Who she was dumped for: Jean Grey

Why she wasn’t chosen: Come on, do I really have to say it?

Why she should’ve been chosen: First and most importantly, there isn’t a psychopath deep down inside Storm just waiting to burst out.  Second, she’s not going to be all up in your business trying to read your mind like she’s knows everything.  Storm is chill, and if she’s not, she can make it chill.

2) Annie – Community

Who she was dumped for: Britta

Why she wasn’t chosen: Annie is not the made up blonde with tons of “experience” who flaunts her beauty hoping that someone will notice but then pretends to not like the attention.  And she’s extremely awkward.

Why she should’ve been chosen: She’s also not the self-righteous “independent” woman who think she doesn’t need a man to be happy.  Annie just wants a man to be there for her and take care of her.  She wants security in a frightening world.  She wants a “king.”  You want to be a king right?  Oh, and when she lets her hair down and actually tries (as you see above)…she way hotter than Britta.

1) Velma – Scooby Doo

Who she was dumped for: Daphne

Why she wasn’t chosen: Look at those ugly coke bottles?  Thelma could use some social skills as well, I mean the girl could talk your ear off about stuff that nerds don’t even care about.  And she always had a habit of explaining stuff to people like they are too stupid to see whats right in front of them.

Why she should’ve been chosen: She has a brain.  No one like a brainiac, but no one likes an airhead either.  I’d take an intelligent beauty over a drop dead gorgeous moron any day.  Okay, maybe not any day, but certainly the next day.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 8% [?]

Now you can buy those guns featured in District 9, at $500 U.S. They do look flippen sweet, but as the fine print mentions:

“PLEASE NOTE: Unless your genetic makeup is part prawn, you cannot power up or fire this gun.”

4,000 South African bucks is a tad pricey. Oh, what’s that you say, Alien gunk?:

This gun comes battle worn, alien gunk oozing out of its couplings and all the scratches and markings you’d expect from tough action in District 9 and by handling by Nigerian gun runners. It’s made mainly from glass fibre, with some details made from other materials. It comes with a wall mounting bracket for display.

That’s it SOLD. I’m out.

The Arc Generator

Edition Size: 200
Dimensions: [15.7″ x 39.4″ x 3.9″] [40 cm x 100 cm x 10 cm] (H x W x D)
Weight: [10.8lbs] [4.9kgs]

Wikus van der Merwe finds out the hard way that a measure of Alien DNA makes powering up and firing one of these babies a real doddle.
Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

Gas Projector

Edition Size: 200
Dimensions: [23.6″ x 39.4″ x 3.9″] [60 cm x 100 cm x 10 cm] (H x W x D)
Weight: [11.9lbs] [5.4 Kg]

The Nigerian crime lord of the District 9 ghetto, Obesandjo, has amassed a significant cache of prawn hardware through terror and pushing tinned cat food.
The Gas Projector is a powerful weapon. If only it could be fired by humans…

Details on the replicas:

An EXACT replica of the guns used in Neill Blomkamp’s District 9, designed by Dr Grordbort’s designer Greg Broadmore and modelled on the actual props created by the artists and craftspeople at Weta Workshop.

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Acadamy has had a long tradition of ignoring comedies, and this year is of no acception. The highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time, snubbed. A tour de force performance by Zach Galifianakis who although played a supporting roll carried the movie tied to his back along with a chilled out baby strapped to his chest. He too snubbed of an Oscar. Seriously, this is getting a little ridiculous.

In the mean time while we await Hangover 2, and the rigged Oscars let’s take a look at a beardless Galifianakis’ who, with no luck making adults laugh had to take his comedy routine to a pre-school. Old-school Zach Galifianakis.

[via Esquire]

Popularity: 1% [?]

Neil Patrick Harris is a tour de force on stage and screen. He is also hilarious and seems like a genuinely nice guy, which makes his acting that much more enjoyable. Here are the best roles Neil Patrick Harris has ever had. 

Neil Patrick Harris voiced the malicious Music Meister in Batman: The Brave and the Bold. His power was his ability to sing so high that his voice hypnotized people and made them dance. Yes, it is a ridiculous premise, but Neil Patrick Harris played the role perfectly. His years of acting in Broadway musicals led up to this point in his career, and it must be said that Neil Patrick Harris has a beautiful singing voice, even if it is being used for evil. Unfortunately he couldn’t hold up against Batman, but he remains one of the more memorable villains that Batman has faced off against.

This is the role that kick-started Neil Patrick Harris’ career. Harris played a child genius who decided that being a surgeon was way better than hanging out at the mall with friends. A little known fact is that Neil Patrick Harris didn’t even have to act for that role, he really was a child genius who knew how to replace heart valves. OK, I made that up, but Harris did a great job playing the smart role while still remaining a lovable child. It was that kind of performance that made him a household name and opened up many doors in his career.

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog was an online show made by Joss Whedon. It was much funnier than most shows you’ll see on TV and gave Neil Patrick Harris another chance to showcase his singing voice. Neil Patrick Harris is absolutely hilarious as Dr. Horrible, an evil scientist who makes death rays to try and kill Captain Hammer. This is mostly because Dr. Horrible is in love with Penny, who is going out with Captain Hammer. It is a very messy love triangle involving mass acts of destruction and a lovely score.

How I Met Your Mother features Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson, an extreme womanizer. This is slightly ironic cosnidering that in real life Neil Patrick Harris is gay. This does not make him any less awesome, and watching his various techniques to pick up women is truly inspiring. Out of all the roles he plays, I enjoy Neil Patrick Harris the most as the party animal type who goes out and has fun. As Barney Stinson he is also full of scathing one-liners which make How I Met Your Mother a more entertaining show.

As I said, I like Neil Patrick Harris’ party animal roles the best. There is no bigger party animal than Neil Patrick Harris being Neil Patrick Harris. Whether he is hallucinating about unicorns, getting shot at by prostitutes, or humping a car seat, Neil Patrick Harris is absolutely hilarious. Nothing compares to his performance where he talks about eating muff burgers and steals Harold’s car. This is quite possibly his best role, not because it is deep and meaningful or anything, but because it always makes me laugh. Neil Patrick Harris knows how to entertain.

Popularity: 1% [?]

One of these trailers is not like the other.  Can you tell which one?

The Expendables…

The Loser…

And then The A-Team…

Okay so I lied.  None of them are not like the other.

Alright, let’s try this.  I’ll tell you the plot of one of them, and you can tell me which movie I am talking about.  Ready?  Here we go:

A team (that wasn’t a hint) of badass, slightly psychotic and disgraced elite specialist soldiers must travel to a foreign country, escape inferior law enforcement and defeat an evil warlord for their only shot at redemption.  There will be no shortage of carnage and bodies.

Still don’t know which movie I am talking about?  If you guessed the A-Team, you’d be right.  But then again if you guess The Losers or the Expendables, you’d also be right.

Truth be told, I can’t wait to see all of them.  I’m a sucker for badass action movies.  But I would prefer it if they would stagger the schedules a little bit.  You know, like one a year.  Or at the very least one every 6 months.  but three in a year?  That’s pushing it.

So what actually is the difference?  Well The A-Team has the always lovely Jessica Biel, the Expendables has Buffy the Vampire Slayer alum Charisma Carpenter and the Losers cast the smoking hot (both physically and career-wise) Zoe Saldana.  So they all have hot babes, dammit that’s not it.

They all begin with the word “The” so that’s not it.

I just don’t know what the difference is between these three movies.

Hmm…Okay wait, I’ve got it!

The source material!  The A-Team is based on a beloved TV show that nobody wants to see screwed up, the Loser is based on a comic book that nobody wants to see screwed up and the Expendables is based on 80′s/90′s action movies that nobody wants to see screwed up…

…

…

Ah crap.  Forget it, I give up.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 5% [?]

As told to me by the ghosts of Hollywood past, present and future.

1) Past – The Oscars are still going to suck.

So let me get this straight, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences decided it was going to expand the nominees to a field of 10 in an attempt to “shake things up” and inspire new viewers to tune into their diminishing little party and these are the 10 movies they chose to honor?  What’s so different about these 10 than the previous five?  Up, and what else?  Seems like the same old Hollywood artsy-fartsy club that mainstream America has avoided for the past decade to me.  Check this chart if you don’t believe me.

If anything, the only thing the academy has accomplished is diluting it’s own indie gold pool.  If you’re going to be snobbish, then do it with your nose proudly in the air like people expect, and if you’re going to give the people a voice, then do it with your head held high, but don’t try to straddle the fence.  We all know what happens when a man tries to straddle a fence.

2) Present – Roman Polanski is still a monster.

I don’t typically get upset at “celebrity” issues, but the total disregard for human decency in the way the Berlin Film Festival is triping over themselves to make excuses for Roman Polanski is appalling.  I do not understand how people still want to honor that guy.  Even if your German you have to be a little disturbed that a grown man raped a child.  I already ranted about how unfair the treatment is here.  So now I just want to know how anyone can honestly applaud this man, shake his hand, hand him a trophy and say, “Nice work” without wanting to punch him in the face.  I understand forgiveness, believe me, but I also know that you cannot forgive someone who doesn’t want to be forgiven.

3) Future – Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is going to make us hate them even more.

Is this really a good time for a wall street movie…where wall streeters are the protagonist?  Does anybody really want to sympathize with them right now?  Does anyone really care to understand them right now?  Would anybody shed a tear for a murdered fat-cat?  My guess is a big fat American no.  Maybe if it was a movie about Joe Shia robbing wall street Robin Hood-style, then people would be up for that, but not a movie glorifying and rationalizing corporate greed.  I know this is an iconic movie with iconic character Gordon Gekko, but I just don’t see “the people” flocking to the theaters to see this.

Oh no, Shia LaBeouf has to hurry up and warn Wall Street of the impeding doom!  Hurry Shia, hurry!  Wait a second…Shia…how about you warn the American people first jerk-wad!

(Sorry Shia, I like you, but you just kind of got caught in the crossfire by playing this character).

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 1% [?]

Exciting stuff, it’s Fokken Awesome to see District 9 crack the nod for Best Picture and 3 other nominations not to be scoffed at. Oh yes and Abadah got a bunch.

A little surprised to see Up and Up in the Air, both up for Best Picture. But it will be amazing if someone with the balls, Mickey Rourke say, gives out the award as such “And the Oscar goes to UP…”, team Up high-five each other and start running down the aisle and when all of a sudden, in the most badass drunk tone Rourke finishes their geeky dreams with “…in the Air!!!”. School Bully comes full circle ya bunch of nerds.

View all the nominations below:

[Via oscar.go.com]
Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 1% [?]

Every guy loves a bad girl, but these five movie villains won’t just leave you broken-hearted, they will stop your heart completely.  And they are so sexy, you’ll never see it coming.  But your mother did, and here’s how she would describe them (as well as a little man to man advice).

What mom would say: “You gonna catch something from that slut.”

Why you should listen: And that something — most likely a dagger — is going to end life as you know it.  You think she’s innocent and you think you can handle it, but in that instant she’s got you.  And you’re going to suffer.  Though it’s not personal, it’s just business.

Why you won’t listen: If you’ve got to go, go with a smile.  And we all think we’re invincible right?  Yup, all the way to the grave.

What mom would say: “You better wear your thermals sleeping next to that frigid feminist.”

Why you should listen: This woman has one goal and that’s to destroy man without the slightest hesitation.  Somewhere along the line she was programed to believe that we are the enemy and nothing you can do will change that.  And it’s just no fun getting all warm and cozy with an robotic icebox.

Why you won’t listen: She hates you, and that’s sexy.  The only time the T-X shows an ounce of emotion is when she’s trying to kill you and that makes you think she’s into you.  Any woman you can make “passionate” one way, you can make her go the other way too right?  Wrong.  She just hates you dude.

What mom would say: “That diva just keeps singing her own song, when do you get a turn?”

Why you should listen: The difference between her and Plaster of Paris is that Paris will at least pretend you matter.  The temptress must be the center of attention at all times.  And she wasn’t just eating you, she’s eating everyone.  Why?  For the attention of course.  The more the merrier with her and emasculating for you.

Why you won’t listen: Conquest is it’s own prize.  There is nothing like taming a shrew is there?  The problem is you can’t change a blood sucking demon back into a human.  So if you clip her fangs, you’re only going to piss her off.

What mom would say: “Does Miss Clingy ever let you breath?”

Why you should listen: She may pamper you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, but it’s all to soften you up for the gut check reality that she’s going to have your baby whether you want to or not.  There is no breaking up with this girl.  She will have your head.

Why you won’t listen: She makes you feel important.  Make you feel desired and wanted, and that’s great right?  Sure it is, until you feel trapped.

What mom would say: “She hates her ex too much to love you.”

Why you should listen: It’s the circle of love.  Some guy manipulated her so he could stab her in the heart and now she’s coming to rips yours out too because she believes “it’s just part of the game.”  It’s not.  She’s just never going to shake the demons that her previous lover put inside her.  The innocent girl you could have been happy with is dead.  Yet…

Why you won’t listen: You think you can fix her.  You believe you can exercise those demons and save her.  Show her how to be strong and love hard.  But even if you do, you’re soul isn’t going to come back completely clean either.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 3% [?]