Humor District

Exciting stuff, it’s Fokken Awesome to see District 9 crack the nod for Best Picture and 3 other nominations not to be scoffed at. Oh yes and Abadah got a bunch.

A little surprised to see Up and Up in the Air, both up for Best Picture. But it will be amazing if someone with the balls, Mickey Rourke say, gives out the award as such “And the Oscar goes to UP…”, team Up high-five each other and start running down the aisle and when all of a sudden, in the most badass drunk tone Rourke finishes their geeky dreams with “…in the Air!!!”. School Bully comes full circle ya bunch of nerds.

View all the nominations below:

[Via oscar.go.com]
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Every guy loves a bad girl, but these five movie villains won’t just leave you broken-hearted, they will stop your heart completely.  And they are so sexy, you’ll never see it coming.  But your mother did, and here’s how she would describe them (as well as a little man to man advice).

What mom would say: “You gonna catch something from that slut.”

Why you should listen: And that something — most likely a dagger — is going to end life as you know it.  You think she’s innocent and you think you can handle it, but in that instant she’s got you.  And you’re going to suffer.  Though it’s not personal, it’s just business.

Why you won’t listen: If you’ve got to go, go with a smile.  And we all think we’re invincible right?  Yup, all the way to the grave.

What mom would say: “You better wear your thermals sleeping next to that frigid feminist.”

Why you should listen: This woman has one goal and that’s to destroy man without the slightest hesitation.  Somewhere along the line she was programed to believe that we are the enemy and nothing you can do will change that.  And it’s just no fun getting all warm and cozy with an robotic icebox.

Why you won’t listen: She hates you, and that’s sexy.  The only time the T-X shows an ounce of emotion is when she’s trying to kill you and that makes you think she’s into you.  Any woman you can make “passionate” one way, you can make her go the other way too right?  Wrong.  She just hates you dude.

What mom would say: “That diva just keeps singing her own song, when do you get a turn?”

Why you should listen: The difference between her and Plaster of Paris is that Paris will at least pretend you matter.  The temptress must be the center of attention at all times.  And she wasn’t just eating you, she’s eating everyone.  Why?  For the attention of course.  The more the merrier with her and emasculating for you.

Why you won’t listen: Conquest is it’s own prize.  There is nothing like taming a shrew is there?  The problem is you can’t change a blood sucking demon back into a human.  So if you clip her fangs, you’re only going to piss her off.

What mom would say: “Does Miss Clingy ever let you breath?”

Why you should listen: She may pamper you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, but it’s all to soften you up for the gut check reality that she’s going to have your baby whether you want to or not.  There is no breaking up with this girl.  She will have your head.

Why you won’t listen: She makes you feel important.  Make you feel desired and wanted, and that’s great right?  Sure it is, until you feel trapped.

What mom would say: “She hates her ex too much to love you.”

Why you should listen: It’s the circle of love.  Some guy manipulated her so he could stab her in the heart and now she’s coming to rips yours out too because she believes “it’s just part of the game.”  It’s not.  She’s just never going to shake the demons that her previous lover put inside her.  The innocent girl you could have been happy with is dead.  Yet…

Why you won’t listen: You think you can fix her.  You believe you can exercise those demons and save her.  Show her how to be strong and love hard.  But even if you do, you’re soul isn’t going to come back completely clean either.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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I make it no secret that I’m not a fan of the Oscars.  I’ll go into detail more a little later, but to sum up: it’s clear that the average man does not get a vote.  When’s the last time a movie that John & Jane Q. Public actually paid to see got nominated?  If the Dark Knight can’t get a nod, what will?  But seeing as how it’s award season I thought that we could use a mini award ceremony that celebrates a forgotten genre: Action movies.  Sci-fi movies.  Adventure movies that don’t have hobbits in them.  But since I can’t afford a ceremony, it looks like this list will have to do.

1) Best Ass-Kicker – Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine)

I literally stared at my computer forever trying to make this choice, that’s how competitive it was.  In the end it came down to a simple body count.  So while I wouldn’t want to challenge any of these dudes to a life and death brawl, Wolverine has bagged the most bodies of the group, therefore he has kicked the most ass.  Sometimes it’s that simple.

Nominees: Snake Eyes (G.I. Joe), Bryan Mills (Taken), Rorschach (Watchmen), Razio (Ninja Assassin)

2) Best Villain – Mary Lee Johnston (Precious)

I know that Precious is not an action movie or anything of the sort, but to be frank about it…action villains were lame this year.  Maybe Joker set the bar too high, I don’t know, but the bottom line is no villains this year struck fear into the hearts of the audience…except Mary.  That b**** was cold.  I mean cold.  I’d pick her in a fight over nerdy ass Cobra Commander any day of the week.

Nominees: The Fallen (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), Col. Hans Landa (Inglorious Basterds), Viktor (Underworld: Rise of the Lycans), Jennifer (Jennifer’s Body)

3) Best Heroine – Baroness (G.I. Joe)

Yes, I am aware that the Baroness was the villain for the majority of the movie, but frankly she was the most interesting part of G.I. Joe and again…where were my bad ass girls at in 2009?  The truth is that the Baroness was a heroine all along, she just couldn’t be who she was meant to be because she was being controlled by some guy, and what girl hasn’t been there before?  In the end, she broke free of her controlling masculine — and I use the term loosely — counterpart and kicked a lot of ass along the way.  That’s a heroine to me.

Nominees: Ginormica (Monster vs. Aliens), Scarlet (G.I. Joe), Silk Spectre II (Watchmen)

4) Best Hero – Bryan Mills (Taken)

First you have to understand what makes a hero: putting the needs of others above your own.  Bryan was the only hero that dove head first into danger for the sake of his daughter.  He didn’t sleep or eat or rest until he found her.  He left no stone unturned.  Oh and the key point in all this, he succeeded.  No sequel necessary to tie up loose ends.

Nominees: Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Rorschach (Watchmen), Duke (G.I. Joe), James T. Kirk (Star Trek)

5) Best Journey – X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine was hands down the best start to finish journey of this years movies.  It’s starts with him in the Weapon X program, then he quits, suffers the repercussion and goes on a quest for revenge.  You learned everything you needed to know about Wolverine life before the X-Men in one movie.  And what an incredible ride it was.

Nominees: Star Trek, District 9, Taken, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Fast & Furious

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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Toronto based photographer Ian Pool imagines the lives of superheroes if they were average people. In comic books and movies, superheroes are extraordinary people.

Awesome stuff, I personally wouldn’t mind a session with Wonder Women, ok second thoughts maybe not. She scares me, I reckon The Hulk would give it a skip as  well, not because he’s scared, he’s into eating guys.

View all the images after the jump, Batman’s there, so is Spiderman & Doc Ock, Darth Vader too – yeah a little confused about that one as well. Let’s not any questions and look at the pretty pictures shall we.

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As told to me by the ghosts of Hollywood’s past, present and future.

Past – Mel outburst will have no affect on his film, but his age will.

It use to be that men were ageless in Hollywood, while the women had a short self-life but that trend seem to be changing.  The movie going public seems eager to accept Carrie Bradshaw and her shopaholic croonies living the single life, Meryl Streep can do no wrong and TV audiences are buying into Cougartown, but what about our aging men?

Yes, Stallone is back in the Expendables, but he has lots of company, Indy had to come back with a son and Pacino & De Niro can’t seem to get the dollars up anymore (see 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill).  Could it be because women don’t have the same interest in the distinguished, intellectual and traditional blue pill heroes they once adored?  They seem to have their eyes glued to the young little sex pots now.  The Shia’s and the Taylor Lautner’s of the world.  Have the tables truly turned?  If so, that’s just disgusting!

Present – Spiritual movies are an endangered species.

I tried to make my case for their comeback here, but it seems Hollywood is making the case for spirituality box office futility at the movies.  As we speak there are three divine movies at your local theaters: The Book of Eli, Legion and the Lovely Bones, but none of them are having the commercial impact the studios were hoping for.  Legion is a B-movie at best, but Book of Eli stars Denzel Washington (see above maybe?) and the Lovely Bones is based on a popular book, yet neither is the blockbuster it was suppose to be.

Which begs the question, is spirituality too intellectual for the big screen — creating success only in literature — or is the subject just too taboo, turning off the religious and atheist alike?  It can’t be that people don’t like being preached to.  No, not with Avatar‘s success.  It can’t be that people don’t want to hear stories they heard a million times, see Avatar again.  So what is it that makes people shy away from blatantly religious movies?  Maybe it’s the over-the-top fantasy element of it.  Maybe, just maybe, people actually want spiritual tales without the creepy spirits.  You know, something they can actually relate to.

Future – the Criminal Minds spinoff will be a ratings top 10 out the gate.

I’m not exactly going out on a limb here, but with Forest Whitaker on board, this show is a sure-fire smash.  I myself just recently hopped on the Criminal Minds train over the Christmas break (oddly enough I first tuned in to verify my wife’s claim that Shemar Moore waxes his eyebrows) and I just can’t get off.  This is a franchise that will rival CSI and NCIS with Whitaker on the team.

Typically I only choose one: I only watch Law & Order: SVU, I only watch CSI and I only watch NCIS: Los Angeles.  But I’m watching both Criminal Minds.  Namely because the show doesn’t just switch scenery.  But then again, how could they?  Federal jurisdiction spans the entire United States — though Criminal Minds: Afghanistan does have a nice ring to it.  This Criminal Minds is suppose to be the “bad boys” of the FBI.  Profilers that don’t always “go by the book.”  Whatever, as long as they have psychos killers who could give the Joker a run for his money people will tune it.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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28 Drinks Later is a hilarious parody trailer that spoofs 28 Days Later to give a glimpse at the “alcoholypse.” Instead of a world filled with mindless zombies… it’s a world filled with mindless drunks.

The short was created for Nick Swardson’s Comedy Central DVD Seriously, Who Farted? and stars Nick Swardson and Simon Rex.

The premise is simple. Despite a thriving US economy, the Nation has fallen to and succumbed to the iron grip of the Appletini and my personal vice, Jagerbombs, and everyone… is… wasted! Check out the video below.
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Since we are right around the Pro-Bowl and the NBA All-Star announcements, it seems like as good a time as any to announce the all hero team of 2010 (consisting of movies released in 2009).  These are the big screen heroes who shined the brightest at their positions as well as those who just barely missed the cut.

1) Best Vigilante – Dominic Torretto (Fast & Furious)

If there was any hero in 2009 who played by his own rules, it was definitely Dom.  He robbed oil trucks, “cheated” in street racing and questioned underlings by hanging them out a window.  And all this for the tragic purpose of avenging the death of his one true love.

Reserves: Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Bryan Mills (Taken), Lt. Aldo Raine (Inglorious Basterds)

2) Best Lawman/Soldier – Optimus Prime (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)

Look he lead a army didn’t he?  That makes him a soldier whether he’s human or not.  And who had a better military campaign than Optimus Prime in 2009?  His fight in the woods was by far the best action sequence of the year.  He even kicked death’s ass.

Reserves: Duke (G.I. Joe), John Connors (Terminator Salvation), Jake Sully (Avatar)

3) Best Boyish Hero – Larry Daley (Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian)

Larry is hardly a boy, but certainly boyish.  I mean his best friends are talking action figures for crying out loud.  Even though it was a sequel Larry came from the dimmest place.  I mean yea, he was rich, but he certainly seemed pathetic selling crazy glow-in-the dark flashlights and losing the respect of his son when he knows deep down he’d rather be doing what he loves.  He was trapped under the thumb of society.  If that’s not boyish, I don’t know what is.

Reserves: Sam Witwicky (Transformers), Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince), Ginormica (Monster vs. Aliens)

4) Best Damsel – Kim Mills (Taken)

Kim is probably the only true damsel on this list.  After all she did absolutely nothing to help herself.  In fact, she even went out of her way — out of the country — to make it happen despite her father’s many warnings.  And even after her rescue, she learned nothing, electing to ride off with her enabling mother and step-father leaving her father to hold to bag, which almost guarantees it’s going to happen again.  That’s a true damsel.

Reserves: Mikaela Banes (Transformers), Brandi (Observe & Report), Bella Swan (Twilight: New Moon)

5) Best Romeo – Sherlock Homes (Sherlock Holmes)

Sherlock has that playboy swagger, whether or not it works on every girl — which it usually does, it’s just that some girls know it’s working — it’s still magic.  And of course inversely, he doesn’t seem to be phased one bit when they resist him.  That’s the mark of a true Romeo.

Reserves: Lucian (Underworld: Rise of the Lycans), Derek Charles (Obsessed), Brian O’Conner (Fast & Furious)

And now that we know the players, next up comes the winners of the awards of best hero and villain of 2009 as well as a few other awards!

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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If you ever watched Grindhouse, you might recall the fake trailer by Robert Rodriguez, Machete. It was probably the best thing to come out of the double-feature. It hinted at a good story a Mexican day laborer is set up, double-crossed, and left for dead, then starts everyone’s worst nightmare. It carried with it gratuitous violence, a badass catchphrase “They just fucked with the wrong Mexican.”, Danny Trejo, & boobs. Remember? Sure you do.

Great news is Rodriguez made that movie, financed by himself, where he begged, borrowed and stole to do so. It has quite a powerhouse cast for an indie film though, Robert De Niro, Michelle Rodriguez (Lost), Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, and Danny Trejo. Fox Studios signed on recently and this movie is a definite ‘GO’.

Check out the original mock trailer below that lead to the production of the Mexican not to be fucked with, Machete after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

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Once upon a time Hip-Hop culture and the police went together about as well as Conan O’Brien and NBC.  You could get shot just for breathing the word “cop” in certain neighborhoods.  But lately a lot of rappers have traded in their gang paraphernalia (or costuming depending on who you ask) to don the uniforms of true blue heroes.  These are the best portrayal of 5-0 by a rapper.

5) Tupac Shakur

We are starting off cautiously with Tupac Shakur (2 Pac to the Hip-Hop community) since he straddles the fence by playing a corrupt cop in Gang Related, which might as well be a gangsta with a badge.  This was Tupac’s last film role and boy did he go out with a bang (no pun intended, respect Tupac).  You could think of Tupac as the last person who’d want to pretend to be a cop or you could think of his earlier rap career and his many run ins with the law as extensive research.

Best Cop role: Gang Related

4) Marky Mary

Mark Wahlberg has become quite accustomed to wearing the badge.  He’s sported blue in everything from the god-awful Max Payne adaptation to We Own the Night to the critically acclaimed Departed.  But let’s face it, he wasn’t exactly a rough and rugged badboy rapper to begin with.  In fact, playing hard-nosed cops probably increased his street cred.  I know I’d be more afraid of Staff Sgt. Dignam than the boy who desperately needs a belt.

Best Cop role: The Departed

3) LL Cool J

He has a long resume of playing cops, The Hard Way, S.W.A.T., Mindhunters and even the security guard in Halloween: H2O.  But when you are a jacked badass trying to prove yourself as an actor I guess you have to play cops or criminals.  Or cooks apparently.  The best of his demonstration in Law Enforcement is definitely his role opposite Robin Chris O’Donnell in NCIS: Los Angeles.  Though again, LL wasn’t the most threatening rapper outside a battle, so the transition goes a lot smoother than most.

Best Cop role: NCIS: Los Angeles

2) Ice T

Ice T was great as a maverick cop in New Jack City, but somehow he seems more like a perp than a detective in Law & Order: SVU.  I love the show and I love his role on the show, but it’s hard to shake his pimpin’ image from your brain and suspend disbelief that much, especially when he still behaves like a pimp off camera.

Best Cop role: Law & Order: SVU

1) Fresh Prince/Will Smith

I don’t think there are many roles he hasn’t played, but he sure likes being a cop.  His back story is a detective in Men In Black, he plays a cowboy sheriff in Wild Wild West, a future cop in I, Robot, and a buddy cop in Bad Boys.  It’s pretty safe to say that if Will Smith is on the case it’s going to get solved.

Best Cop role: Bad Boys

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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The Avatar sex scene which was in the script but ultimately left out of the movie because well… no one wants to see that shit. 2 Girls, 1 Cup… Avatar Sex Scene? 2 GIRLS 1 CUP! Everytime. Luckily for you and me, this animated short is not that scripted scene. It comes straight from the twisted mind of an animator Harry Partridge. Harry explains the why exactly he created this bizzare yet hilarious short.

I wanted to make this due to the fact it bugged me in the movie that Jake managed to nail Neytiri with little to no knowledge of Na’vi mating practices. I mean, I’m assuming it’s pretty similar, but considering they have magic hair veins that connect with nature, there’s obviously some pretty big anatomical differences…

You ready for it? Don’t worry it’s SFW… kinda.

View the video after the jump… Read the rest of this entry »

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