Humor District

James Bond has been saving the world for nearly 50 years and yet somehow he still rises to the occasion with six pack abs.  That’s probably because his creators made sure the character was bigger than the actor.  A notion that someone might want to run by George Lucas before he pens the 5th Indiana Jones movie starring a 67-year-old Harrison Ford.

And that’s doubly weird considering that George Lucas debuted Shia LaBeouf as Indy’s son, cutting a clear path for a spin-off or next generation movie (which I make a clear case for here).  Why torture us — or Harrison Ford’s hip for that matter — with a half-ass’d, tortoise-paced action adventure that puts us all to bed for the director and star’s 4 o’clock curfew?  Just pretend Indy’s immortal.  It worked for 007.

Present – Burn Notice is back!

I’m not going to lie, this section is purely self-serving.  I just wanted to rave about how excited I am for Burn Notice to be back on television.  If you’re not excited, skip to number three.  First of all let me say that I love how it comes out in 10 episode chunks and then disappears for a couple of month, rather than over-saturating the USA network with 24 straight episode interrupted by holiday specials and re-runs.  This format makes it so much easier to get caught up and most importantly…creates a little longing.

Any person in a relationship knows that you can lose interest in a hurry if your significant other is always “available” when you want them and when you don’t.  Absence makes the show grow cooler.  And second of all, I am dying to find out how the writers maneuver out of the Lost-sized corner they painted themselves into by having Michael Weston free from his burners and knocking on the door of the CIA in only 3 seasons.  What’s could possibly be next for the super spy?

Future – Dreamworks better tread carefully with the MLK biopic.

If there was ever a job tailor-made to employ black entertainers, writers and directors, it’s the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Biopic, but so far there isn’t a person of color on the project.  I have to assume that the cast will be primarily black — or at least one can only hope — but instead of Tyler Perry writing, we get Ronald Harwood.  Instead of Oprah producing, we get Steven Spielberg.  Isn’t that a little counter productive?  Didn’t Dr. King stand for equality?  Shouldn’t black people be allowed to make movies about our own heroes.

And to top it all off Dr. King’s kids even oppose the project.  Yet the studio wants to move forward?  Clearly Dreamworks learned nothing from the whole Watchmen tug-of-war.  Look, Spike Lee’s Malcolm X was an incredible movie.  Incredible.  I would love to see a Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. biopic that I can show to my kids one day, but something about this project just seems a little off-color.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

I always say, go big or go home.  So if the studios are thinking about ruining the Spider-Man franchise by casting the weaselly, whiny, emo vampire dude from the Twilight Series Robert Pattinson (yes I know it’s just a rumor), they might as well completely and utterly sabotage Spider-Man so that no one will even think of rebooting, remaking, remixing or redecorating this franchise again.  So let’s kick it up a Joel-Schumacher-notch with 5 other way they could ruin Marvel’s Spider-Man franchise.

5) He could shoot the webbing out of his ass

You want it to be scientifically accurate right?  What are you going to say to the children that watch Nat-Geo who ask why Spider-Man shoots his web from his wrists?  I mean, in the comic book the webbing is made in a lab and loaded into cartridge shooters.  Problem solved.  But in the movie he had natural web coming out of his hands.  Weird.  Which leads us to…

4) He could have a butt-out costumes

You know that old school thermal underwear with the flap in the back?  Spider-Man’s suit could be made like that for easy web slinging action.  Hey, if Batman can have nipples and a codpiece, Spider-Man can show-off his butt.  It’s only fair.

3) They could highlight a Peter and Harry bromance

Bromances are all the rage.  Forget Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy.  Let’s explore the relationship of Peter Parker and Harry Osborn.  It’s high school after all.  Nobody bats an eye when you stand up a few cheerleaders, but bail on your best friend and the drama hits the fan.  Bro’s before ho’s man!

2) Make Peter Parker a paparazzi

Let’s face it, no one under the age of 40 is going around shooting photos for a newspaper anymore.  This is the digital age!  The gossip blog era!  Somewhere someone attached to this project is thinking about having Parker step into the 21st century.  Wouldn’t Spider-Man be the ultimate tabloid fodder?  Or did Hancock fall on that grenade already?

1) Make it all dark and gritty

Let’s…get…serious.  Not the same effect as the Joker’s line huh?  Well, maybe Parker’s parents abused him and that’s why he lives with his aunt and uncle (seriously, has no one wondered what the hell happened to his parents or why his aunt and uncle look a lot more like his grandparents?).  Maybe he’s a tortured goth kid that fights crime so he doesn’t go all trench-coat on his school with an AK-47 because he got one too many swirlies.  Strip away all the light-hearted comedy and smart-alecky quips that made Spider-Man so lovable and make him grittier and new age, that will surely ruin the franchise!  What’s that? Oh…

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 4% [?]

As told to me by the ghosts of Hollywood past, present and future.

Past: Hulk Hogan is the cause of movies like the Tooth Fairy.

When wrestling icon Hulk Hogan signed on to star in Mr. Nanny in 1993 he cursed action stars for eternity.  Now any meathead who can bench press the director is obligated to sell his testicles if he wants to “cross over” and attract a young female audience to combine with his massive male audience.  This must be what Vin Diesel (the Pacifier) and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (The Tooth Fairy) believe.  Right?

But my question is, does the same work in reverse?  Could you ever have a movie starring a domesticated female who suddenly finds herself the go-to-hero on a bloody battlefield surviving by using techniques she learned in the kitchen?  Could Renee Zellweger or Carrie Brad…Sarah Jessica Parker go from shopaholics to rage-a-holics?  Let’s all pray they try.

Present: Disney will never cast a black princess again.

Before the Princess and the Frog struggled to break the century mark, the last Disney animated adventure to gross less than 100 million was Meet the Robinson’s in March of 2007.  In that span, Bolt, Ratatouille, Wall-E, Up and A Christmas Carol all top 9 figures.  So a dog, rat, robot and a couple of geezers are all more bankable than a black princess, who by the way turns into a slimy, ugly frog.

Maybe it’s because of all the “hey come see Disney’s first black princess” advertising.  People don’t like to be sold.  I think if they’d advertised, “hey come watch this princess adventure with your daughters” the audience would have figure out she was black on their own.  But anyway, America has spoken.  Black President, yes we can.  Black princess, no not yet.

Future: NBC will never be a ratings juggernaut with it’s current executives.

After NBC punted Conan O’Brien on 2nd down there is no way they are getting the ratings-ball back.  And I’m not just talking about at 11:30 either.  This clearly shows that no one at that network with any pull has vision or balls, two essentials in building a winning team.  After 5 years of planning, yanking O’Brien after a couple of months is spineless.  Anybody remember the old saying, “no guts, no glory”?

This explains why they are constantly one step behind in breakthrough programming and cheating off the other networks papers (see: America’s Got Talent and the Listener as prime examples).  And let’s pretend for a second that they “had” to cancel Conan because of low ratings.  Are you telling me they didn’t see any holes or warning signs during that 5 year span?  If not, someone should probably reevaluate their career choice.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 4% [?]

G.I. Joe

Back In My Day: G.I. Joe cartoons were essentially one giant commercial for mobile command fortresses that turned into boats that turned into wallets and other ridiculous things. They were effective commercials too, eschewing all traces of a plot and piling in as many action scenes involving the toy of the week as possible.

The Present Situation: Well, the whole plot thing hasn’t improved much with time. The cast was made smaller for the movie to cut down on racist portrayals of minorities and then the Joes were turned into Iron Man. On the plus side, after years of training Cobra henchmen are now able to hit the broad side of a barn when they shoot. I don’t know what other redeeming qualities there are now that I’m too old to go to the toy store to pick up a Wallace “Ripcord” Weems in Delta-6 Accelerator Suit action figure.

X-Men

Back In My Day: X-Men was a series that started out very strong. Mutants beating each other up was the epitome of entertainment. Then all sorts of dystopian futures and alternate timelines were introduced and my interest in the series started to wane. Those early episodes were awesome though.

The Present Situation: Much like the cartoon, the X-Men movies started off strong. The quality of the movies have gone downhill since then, with the spin-off Wolverine movie being quite disappointing. We can only hope that the X-Men: First Class prequel being planned will rekindle our nostalgia for mutants everywhere.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Back In My Day: The heroes in a half shell introduced me to my love of pizza. They also introduced me to my brief love of homemade nunchaku before I smacked myself in the shins. It was my dream to be a ninja amphibian who hung out with news reporters in sewers eating pizza. They were truly one of the most lighthearted groups of radical adventurers to ever grace the screen.

The Present Situation: TMNT brought the turtles back together but decided the lighthearted nature of the cartoon was too childish. Instead there was the tale of a family drifted apart and Raphael being a jerk. Luckily the movie preserved my childhood memories by keeping pizza references and having the turtles stay radical. Cowabunga!

Transformers

Back In My Day: As a kid with a short attention span I couldn’t get enough of my Transformers cartoons. I loved to see block shaped cars turn into block shaped robots with block shaped guns.  Whether it was watching Starscream ineptly try and overthrow Megatron for power every other episode or seeing Optimus Prime beating up other robots I always entertained. Then they introduced the Dinobots and Grimlock. It doesn’t get any better.

The Present Situation: The Transformers have really gotten streamlined since Michael Bay took over the franchise, but not much else has changed. The robots are looking a lot less boxy, the names of the human characters are slightly less ridiculous and there are more explosions then I remember, but those are the only real differences. Starscream is still a little weasel, Optimus Prime is still the man, and the jokes are still juvenile. I hope Grimlock gets introduced in future installments, but for now I’ll settle for Megan Fox.

Batman

Back In My Day: Batman was a grim avenger of the night, swooping from the shadows to stop evildoers. The Batman cartoon was quite possibly the highlight of my childhood, and that was before I found out Luke Skywalker was the voice of Joker.

The Present Situation: Batman has grown up with me. Like a fine wine he has gotten better with age. Excellent performances by Christian Bale and Heath Ledger have made sure this is one childhood memory that won’t get tarnished.

Popularity: 10% [?]

James Cameron has done it again with Avatar. Everybody and their grandmother has been shilling out the dollars, pesos, and rubles to see adventure and romance on the planet of Pandora. Avatar has made over $1 billion to this date, and has a realistic chance to become the highest earning movie of all time. How does a movie about furry blue cat people get to be so popular? Find out in the Top 5 Reasons Everyone Loves Avatar.

5. Avatar is Predictable

Now don’t get me wrong when I say Avatar is formulaic, I am not knocking it in any way. Formulaic and predictable is what people want right now after a rough time of economic and civil uncertainty. James Cameron simply took the generic Dances With Wolves type story and made it about aliens and people are comfortable with that. We fear the unknown right now and James Cameron is here to lovingly guide us into better times and erase our fears of various wars and a collapsing economy. At least that’s what my therapist told me.

4. Environmental Message

Going green is all the rage these days, and James Cameron is a staunch environmental supporter. As a result, Avatar has a heavy pro-environment message. It’s not really hidden. At all. The people trying to save the giant trees are the good guys, the people lighting them on fire are the bad guys, and nature itself is called upon to give a swift kick to the bad guys’ nether regions. Score one for tree hugging hippies everywhere!

3. Underdog/Redemption Story

Do any of you remember a story about some soldiers stealing land from native inhabitants? Well here comes my therapist again telling me that as a whole there is something known as “white guilt” for the whole stealing Native American’s land and slavery things. That would only explain Americans loving Avatar though, and those Germans love it also. What it comes down to is everyone wants to cheer for the underdog. That’s why everybody wants those noble savages to show the more highly advanced soldiers what’s what in the end.

2. Revolutionary Visual Effects

This was quite possibly the most hyped aspect of Avatar leading up to the release. $300 million spent meant Avatar actually created a new way to shoot 3-D movies and pioneered a new virtual camera system that essentially allowed James Cameron to get footage of anything he could imagine from any angle. This is some extremely high tech stuff, hence the $300 million price tag, but the results were outstanding. While the Na’vi (blue cat people) don’t look as sharp as they could, Pandora itself feels like an actual planet. This sort of work brought in all the tech geeks and the 3-D version brings in everyone who wants to feel like they’re getting shot at without the fear and pain of getting shot at.

1. James Cameron

This is the man who brought us Aliens and The Terminator. Oh yeah, and some movie with Leonardo DiCaprio about a boat or something. Everyone knows who James Cameron is, whether it’s the old school science fiction fans or their girlfriends. That’s right, science fiction fans can have girlfriends. Basically James Cameron has proved that he has something for everybody in his movies, from large explosions for the fellows to a romantic subplot for the lady types. That adds up to over $1 billion in earnings and one happy James Cameron.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Biggest Culprits: Twilight, Underworld, Van Helsing, Zombieland, I Am Legend, Blood: the Last Vampire, 28 Days Later

What it should be replaced with: Angels and Messiahs.  Hasn’t the dark side gotten enough attention?  People get really excited when bad guys do the slightest bit of good, but what about the good guys with the burden to do great?  Let’s raise our standards a little.

Biggest Culprits: Lions for Lambs, Stop Loss, Body of Lies, The Hurt Locker, The Kingdom, In the Valley of Elah

What it should be replaced with: Fantasy wars.  Once upon a time filmmakers were subtle about their political agendas.  They made movies with fictitious apes to comment on civil rights and audiences were none the wiser, or at least pretended to be.  Give me apes, aliens or even Cobra Commander, but please stop using real wars with real people as the playground for your social commentary.

Biggest Culprits: Star Trek, Batman, Hulk, Land of the Lost, Pink Panther, Friday the 13th

What it should be replaced with: Next generation.  It’s obvious that people like familiar stories and Hollywood likes to take the easy way out, but stop cheating!  You can use familiar franchises with fresh characters.  Danny Glover and Mel Gibson have to actually be too old for this s— right?  So instead of casting Dwayne Johnson and Sean William Scott as Riggs and Murtaugh in a Lethal Weapon reboot, cast the next hot-young-thing as new detectives and cameo our favorite odd couple as police chiefs.  Murtaughs kids have to be cop age right?

Biggest Culprits: The Cove, Battle for Terra, The Happening, Wall-E, The Road, 9, The Day After Tomorrow

What it should be replaced with: Health-care preaching.  Repo Men is a good start.  I am not worried about the earth dying, but I am worried about dying in the emergency room or not even making it to the hospital because I can’t afford the ride.

Biggest Culprits: Saw, Hostel, Wolf Creek, Turistas, Captivity, Funny Games

What it should be replaced with: Massacres.  We’ve seen how a deranged serial killer thinks and explored the one-on-one relationship between victim and murderer, but anybody can kill one person at a time.  What about those who kill and keep it moving, racking up dozens of victims in a matter of minutes?  What about those who don’t get intimate with their prey?  How do they tick?  If you were trapped inside a mall with a stealthy mass murderer would you hide, run or fight back?  Would you help others or look out for yourself?  I want to see those movies.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 3% [?]

It’s official, comic books aren’t just for nerds anymore. We all saw Wolverine, Iron Man and The Dark Knight in theaters and learned these superheroes are pretty bad ass. Mutant healing factors, high tech gadgetry, and the Batmobile all add up to guys we don’t want to cross. Now we have the authoritative list of the Top 5 Bad Ass Movie Superheroes. Read on to see who made the cut.

5. The Punisher

Frank Castle was just an ex-Special Forces member trying to enjoy a reunion with his family. Unfortunately the mafia did not approve of this joyous reunion. A few bullets made the coleslaw entirely unappetizing, and Frank Castle’s family was gunned down in front of him. Unlike most people, Frank Castle did not lay down on a psychiatrist’s couch and discuss his feelings. Frank Castle outfitted himself with every weapon imaginable, bought a black shirt with a skull on it, and killed every thief, murderer, and jaywalker who dared to cross his path. That is Clint Eastwood level bad ass.

4. Spawn

Al Simmons was pretty bad ass before he came Spawn. He was essentially an assassin, but his boss had him killed when Simmons got too good at his job. Not one to go down without a fight, Simmons made a deal with the devil so he could see his wife again and became Spawn. He was supposed to lead Hell’s army, but Spawn decided to scrap that plan and defend humanity from the war between Heaven and Hell. There are few things more bad ass than a superhero who alternates between tearing limbs off of demons and crazed angels and helping the local detectives solve cases.

3. Wolverine

Wolverine is a beast. You could probably tell that by his name. His mutant healing factor makes him extremely tough to kill, allows him to smoke cigars nonstop without fear of cancer, and has him age slower than most others. It also means that when somebody shoots him he just gets pissed off. Combine that with an unbreakable skeleton, claws that can cut through just about anything and those berserk rages he goes into and you get one ferocious package. Oh, and did I mention his heightened sense of smell allows him to hunt people down? Being a complete killing machine qualifies Wolverine as a grade A bad ass.

2. Deadpool

Deadpool, like Wolverine, has a mutant healing factor. This makes him very hard to kill. Also like many others on this list, Deadpool is not quite right in the head. This manifests itself in random hallucinations, voices in his head, and extremely violent tendencies. It also makes Deadpool absolutely hilarious. How many heroes would sing “Row Row Row Your Boat” as they decapitated numerous villains? Deadpool would. He is also more of a reluctant hero, what with the whole being a mercenary and all. Really, you have to give Deadpool a bad ass title because he is willing to kill you simply because it makes him giggle.

1. Batman

What differentiates Batman from everyone else on his list is pretty simple. Batman refuses to kill. That doesn’t mean that he has any qualms to beating criminals within an inch of their life, but he never crosses that line. You have to respect a guy with morals like that. Add in the fact that he has no super powers, he just trains to be the best at everything he does, and goes up against super powered psychopaths on a nightly basis and that makes Batman one bad ass hero. Plus he drives the Batmobile, a vehicle that could make Steve Urkel as cool as Samuel L. Jackson.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Nothing short of Awesome!

I just wish I even had the slight bit ounce of talent that these crazy mashup/remix geeks have. Oh and do yourself another favour and the view the Trailer to End All Trailers Mashup as well.

In no particular order:

Not Easily Broken, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Push, Fired Up, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Watchmen, Phoebe in Wonderland, I Love You, Man, 12 Rounds, Adventureland
Fast & Furious, Hannah Montana: The Movie, State Of Play, Fighting, The Soloist, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Star Trek, Angels & Demons, Terminator Salvation, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Easy Virtue, Up, Land Of The Lost, My Life in Ruins, Away We Go, The Taking of Pelham 123, The Proposal, Year One, Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, The Hurt Locker, Public Enemies, I Love You, Beth Cooper, Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince, (500) Days Of Summer, The Ugly Truth, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Julie & Julia, Paper Heart, The Time Traveler’s Wife, Inglourious Basterds, Taking Woodstock, 9, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, The Imformant!, Jennifer’s Body, Love Happens, Fame, Whip It, Zombieland, Law Abiding Citizen, Where the Wild Things Are, Amelia, The Men Who Stare at Goats, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Sunshine Cleaning, The Young Victoria, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, Old Dogs, The Princess and The Frog, Everybody’s Fine, Avatar, Nine, Sherlock Holmes, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, A Serious Man. e!

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Expendables

Plot Outline: A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator.

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Cast and Crew: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Brittany Murphy, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Ivan Drago Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin and Randy Couture are a team of mercenaries headed to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. Christ how badass is that? Watching the trailer though it’s seams to be a Stallone Statham show though with a little Li and Rouke thrown in for good measure. The cameos will sure make up for a great film. Quite possibly the film I’m looking forward to the most but at the same time I know I’ll be let down somewhere.

The Last Airbender

Plot outline: Based on the animated series Avatar: The Last Airbender, the story takes place in a world divided into the Fire, Water, Earth, and Air Nations. A young “airbender” named Aang must stop the Fire Nation from taking over.

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Cast: Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Cliff Curtis, Jackson Rathbone, Shaun Toub, Aasif Mandvi

It can be a really cool movie, or an epic failure to end all epic failures. M. Night shyamalan eventually bought out its patented thrillers, which is nice since The Happening and Lady in the Water sucked. But he is the kind of big-budget fantasy? Some people have heard of the source material, which mean box office is pretty weak, unless the ad campaign Wows a bunch of people. But it’s cool to see Slumdog Millionaire Dev Patel’s trying to choose a name for himself over the Best Picture winner last year.

A Couple of Dicks

Plot outline: A comedy about two cops who try to locate a stolen baseball card and rescue a kidnapped woman.

Director: Kevin Smith

Cast: Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Seann William Scott, Adam Brody, Kevin Pollak

So this is a cop movie starring a white guy and black guy generic right? Ah, the script is good, enough to attract the director Kevin Smith – who’s never directed a film he hasn’t written. Everyone agrees that the project take adequate wage agreements, to maintain the film’s R-class. This is another possible hangover-style project – but with Bruce Willis on the project you can’t go wrong.

Alice in Wonderland

Plot outline: Tim Burton and Johnny Depp (as the Mad Hatter) take on Lewis Carroll’s classic.

Director: Tim Burton

Cast: Johnny Depp, Mia Wasikowska, Michael Sheen, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, Crispin Glover, Christopher Lee

Who better to take on Carroll’s cracked-out, drug-influenced Alice in Wonderland than Burton and Depp? Plus, the six of you who saw the first season of HBO’s In Treatment already know that Mia Wasikowska will give a terrific, star-making performance as Alice. The only red flag? An odd March release date. We thought the combination of Depp and a big budget made for an automatic summer debut.

Arrested Development

Plot: No plot released

Director: Mitchell Hurwitz

Cast and Crew: Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, David Cross, Portia de Rossi, Jeffrey Tambor, Will Arnett
Hands-down the most anticipated movie of 2010, Arrested Development fans have been pining for a big-screen adaptation ever since this ingenious show was kicked off the air (yes, by someone retarded). And after tamping down a slew of rumors about its future, the producers have made it over some hurdles necessary for moving forward, like signing Michael Cera on to the production. But until we start seeing official trailers, we’re just going to assume this one isn’t even coming out, just to stave off the disappointment.

No trailer yet, but I leave you with the famous Chicken Dance montage

[Source: Coed Magazine]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Abigail Whistler from Blade: Trinity

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Princess Anna Valerious from Van Helsing

Popularity: 6% [?]