Humor District

The Takers is shaping up to be one of the worst movies ever made. Seriously, it looks absolutely awful. After just seeing the crudely photoshopped movie poster, you can already get the sense that this won’t be the next Godfather. What the hell is up with Paul Walker’s head? It is not even close to matching that body. Check out the poster and see the astounding amount hideousness they managed to pack in.

If you thought the marketing team dropped the ball on the poster, you will be shocked by the trailer. It is somehow even worse. When the trailer starts off explaining that takers take things, you know it only goes downhill from there. They somehow manage to get through a two minute trailer with nothing entertaining about it. The only appeal this movie might have is watching it with friends with the intent to ridicule every single part of the movie. Also, Paul Walker still can’t act. If you would like to hear terrible music and worse acting, check out the trailer below.

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Splice is an upcoming movie about two genetic engineers, Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley, who are trying to create some sort of hybrid creature. Presumably the successful creation of such a hybrid creature would have all sorts of medicinal benefits or something. It is just a simple manner of mixing some DNA up and seeing what comes out. Nothing ever goes wrong in these movies where people try to play God.

Yes, that abomination is what they create. If that is what the future looks like I am giving up my search for immortality. I assume the rest of the movie is about how they regret ever creating that monstrosity as it attempts to eat their faces. The moral of this story is don’t mix human DNA with anything that is not cute and cuddly, and even then make sure it does not escape to prey on an unsuspecting populace. For those of you who didn’t get enough action/horror from the new A Nightmare on Elm Street, check out Splice on June 4th.

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With the outpouring of comic book movies recently, one has almost been forgotten. Jonah Hex has not had much news, at least news that many noticed with the upcoming release of Iron Man 2 and the announcement that Chris Evans will be playing Captain America. Now Jonah Hex is trying to steal back some of that limelight when they premier the first trailer this Thursday on the SyFy Channel.

It is fairly surprising that a movie starring Josh Brolin and Megan Fox has been discussed so little, but talk should begin to stir up again with the premier of the trailer. Jonah Hex is also one of the more violent comic books around, so this movie promises to have plenty of action. All in all, it seems like Jonah Hex has potential to be a quality movie, but has simply been lost with the emergence of other big name comic book movies. It will definitely have a different feel than Iron Man and Captain America, mainly because the plot focuses on a scarred bounty hunter in the wild west with a hint of the supernatural thrown in. Chances are Jonah Hex will remain overlooked, but I for one am eagerly awaiting the release of the trailer and the movie. Jonah Hex opens June 18th in theaters everywhere.

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If you haven’t been informed already, the upcoming movie Kick-Ass looks like it is going to kick ass. The trailers have been hilarious and I am very much looking forward to this movie coming out. In the meantime, I will have to make due with the 4 new Kick-Ass movie posters that have been released. The first is a fairly standard movie poster with the main cast striking a pose. The next 3 posters are awesome, resembling old war time posters. The Hit-Girl poster is based off the famous Rosie the Riveter posters of WWII. That’s some female empowerment right there. The Red Mist poster is a recruitment poster, asking for all of us to grab our costumes and go fight crime. The there’s the poster for the titular character, Kick-Ass. Much like the famous Uncle Sam recruitment poster, Kick-Ass is reaching out to us to defend our country. This can only be described as inspirational. Enjoy the posters.

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Oh Toy Story 3, please don’t ruin my childhood. I loved the first Toy Story, Toy Story 2 was tolerable, but I’m pretty nervous about Toy Story 3. I really want it to be good, especially since Tom Hanks and Tim Allen are reprising their roles as Woody and Buzz Lightyear, but third installments in franchises are notoriously bad. Toy Story 3 will be about Woody, Buzz, and the rest of the gang being given to a day-care when Andy grows up and goes to college. Damn you Andy, how can you abandon them like that? There are some familiar faces in the Toy Story 3 poster, such as Mr. Potato Head, Rex, Hamm, and unfortunately Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl. There’s also some new toys, including a unicorn, a purple blob thing, a triceratops, and a praying mantis. I know that despite my misgivings about sequels like this I will still be forced to see it. I just hope these new toys live up to the standards set by the originals.

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There is a new poster out for the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street, and it’s pretty intense. You can’t judge a movie off of its poster, but that is one intimidating poster. Jackie Earle Haley will be playing the sweater loving psychopath Bill Cosby Freddy Krueger this time around, ensuring none of us want to go to sleep ever again. The guy was scary enough as Rorschach in Watchmen, let’s see what he does with an actual horror role. A Nightmare on Elm Street opens April 30th, 2010.

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