SportsCenter

When it comes to sports shows, SportsCenter is the king. Remember those plays mentioned in the first paragraph? The ones that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up and cheer until your voice cracks like a prepubescent boy? SportsCenter is essentially a highlight show made up entirely of those plays. When you want to see the best of the best in athletic performances, you turn on SportsCenter and watch their Top 10 plays.

Hard Knocks

Hard Knocks is one of the best shows on HBO, and that’s saying something. Over the years Hard Knocks has profiled different NFL teams as they go through preseason, showing the routines of veterans, the struggles of new players, and the tough decisions that head coaches have to make. One of the saddest scenes you will see on television is when a player is called into the coach’s office and told to hand in his playbook. For a lot of these guys football is their life, and Hard Knocks does a great job of humanizing these athletes that most of us look up to in awe.

Friday Night Lights

When it comes to shows depicting fictional sports teams, there are none better than Friday Night Lights. Friday Night Lights follows the Dillon Panthers high school football team as they struggle to overcome adversity on and off the football team. The main theme of this show is how small town high school athletes are often placed on a pedestal by those around them, leading to a ridiculous amount of pressure that most teenagers don’t know how to handle. More importantly, the football game scenes are very well done and entertaining as hell.

Shaq Vs.

Hey

Shaquille O’Neal is one of the most outspoken and outgoing professional athletes who has ever lived. He also happens to be one of the best players the NBA has seen. This all adds up to a great show as Shaq takes on professional athletes in other sports and tries to beat them at their own games. A man who tops 7 feet can only be so athletic, so most of these challenges are pretty comedic, with Shaq losing regularly. Still, the big man is an impressive athlete, and he would definitely beat us regular guys at pretty much every sport.

Pros Vs. Joes

Speaking of us regular guys, how often have you seen a basketball player miss a shot or a football player drop a pass and proclaim that you could have done better? Admit it, we all do it. Unlike me, most people are mistaken in their assessments of their athletic abilities. While I totally could have made that play, Pros Vs. Joes prove that when most people try to run by a 250 lb middle linebacker they get absolutely flattened. Occasionally a Joe makes a great play against a Pro, giving the rest of you hope in your meager abilities, but most of the time the Joes fail, and that failure is fun to watch. Just for the record, I’d dominate that show.

Hew

The cast of The Expendables rings the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, Terry Crews does it a little differently. Sylvester Stallone amused, Jason Statham wishes he was as cool, and Dolph Lundgren’s all like “where my poker bitches at?”.

White Chicks

Terry Crews MADE White Chicks!

 

Wife & Kids Cameo

Terry absolutely killed it Damon Wayan’s Wife & Kids.

 

Terry Crews Old Spice Commercials – All of Them

Class!

 

Friday After Next

Group Hug!!

Wipeout

Wipeout is the type of obstacle course that people watch and think, “hey, I could actually do that”. Fortunately for viewers, most people actually can’t do that. The show isn’t called Wipeout for nothing, and the contestants who fall short are most often far more entertaining than those who complete the course successfully. The fact that the show’s fitness requirement seems to be somewhere between beached whale and gelatinous blob definitely adds to the humor. If none of that catches your attention, one of the hosts, Jill Wagner, is pretty easy on the eyes. Enjoy the picture of her to make up for the music in the Wipeout video clip.

MXC

MXC or Most Extreme Elimination Challenge was the funniest obstacle course show ever. We all know that everything strange ever has probably originated in Japan, and obstacle course game shows are no exception as proven with obstacles like muddy balls, where contestants stand in a mud pit and have to catch a soccer ball that has been launched high in the air. In all fairness the name muddy balls was given by the American producers who dubbed the old Japanese show Takeshi’s Castle, but I like to believe the original name was probably stranger. The best part of MXC was definitely the play by play and color commentary of Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano along with Kenny Blankenship’s Painful Eliminations.

Ninja Warrior

Ninja Warrior is basically the exact opposite of Wipeout. The general fitness level on Ninja Warrior ranges from Olympic athlete to teenager who gained superpowers through an irradiated spider bite. Another difference is the fact that the Ninja Warrior obstacle course isn’t one you watch and think “I would totally win”. You think “I could train for the next six months and maybe get past the first obstacle”. Here is the type of challenge you can expect from Ninja Warrior.

Fortunately Ninja Warrior isn’t all beastly men who conquer everything, and there is plenty of failure to be seen as well.

Unbeatable Banzuke

Remember when I said everything weird ever came from Japan? I think Unbeatable Banzuke strengthens that theory. Unbeatable Banzuke is an obstacle course geared towards one very specific talent, whether that talent is riding a unicycle or walking on your hands. The show isn’t called Unbeatable Banzuke for nothing though, and the combination of the oddly specific skill required along with the difficulty of the obstacle course provides for many failed attempts. Plus you can even laugh at the winners for being the best unicycle riders.

Legends of the Hidden Temple

Legends of the Hidden Temple was an old show on Nickelodeon that featured kids answering trivia questions and running through a series of physical challenges. While the physical challenges look far less challenging than they used to, it is still hilarious to see the little kids freak out when the Temple Guard pop out in front of them. That and Olmec is the most bad ass talking stone head ever. Just for the record, I would totally dominate Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

When it comes to vampire shows, nothing beats Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not only was Sarah Michelle Gellar super hot as she killed vampires, but the vampires themselves were pretty kick ass. They weren’t the sparkly and sympathetic vampires, but the kind that just wanted to suck your blood and maybe cop a feel at the same time. It wasn’t until the emergence of Angel that there was the sensitive type, but that was okay because he stilled busted heads. Joss Whedon definitely had a winner with Buffy.

True Blood

True Blood is HBO’s attempt at  a vampire series, and they hit this one out of the park. True Blood takes full advantage of HBO’s allowance of nudity, really focusing on the passion of vampires. Apparently vampires are very passionate. What makes True Blood stand out amongst other vampire shows is how the vampires try to live their lives as normal people, drinking only synthesized blood. Of course you cannot change the nature of the beast, so there is plenty of action to be seen.

The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries was basically the television version of Twilight. It followed high schoolers, some of whom happened to be vampires, as they go through their normal high school drama of who likes who and who is a pale bloodless corpse. The CW station was not known for the quality of its shows, so The Vampire Diaries was a bit of a pleasant surprise. This show was definitely aimed more towards teenage girls, but it was undoubtedly popular and well done.

Being Human

Being Human was one of the best series on the BBC. It didn’t particularly focus on vampires, focusing more on everything supernatural, but one of the main characters was a vampire as were many of the characters they ran into. It followed three roommates, a vampire, ghost, and werewolf, as they got into misadventures with other supernatural creatures and often speaking on the mystery of death. It was equal parts morbid and humorous, and all entertaining.

Moonlight

Moonlight was another vampire show definitely geared towards a female audience. As long as vampire stories have been around, there has been an air of sexuality and romance around them, and that is exactly what Moonlight focuses on. The part where the main character is also a private investigator is pretty awesome as well. There are few things as entertaining as vampire detective tracking down criminals, fighting other vampires, and loving human women.

When considering girl-on-girl action, nothing is sexier than these 5 hottest “The L Word” scenes. These scenes feature the hot ladies of the Showtime hit “The L Word” showing off their best assets. Many of the scenes leave nothing to the imagination, while some leave everything to it. Regardless of the setting, each of these scenes left a blazing memory with its viewers as being amongst the hottest of the “The L Word” scenes.

1. Bette and Candace, season one.

This jail scene has been listed by several sites as one of the hottest scenes in spite of the lack of physical contact. Bette and Candace show just how far your mind can take you when oral contact is all you have.

2. Jenny and Carmen, season two.

Jenny and Carmen take the concept of water play to the next level in this steamy season two scene. Even if you are not into the kink yourself, you cannot help but enjoy these two women living their own special water fetish. It’s no wonder that this scene is listed as one of the top 5 hottest.

Place holder video of Jenny & Carmen getting it on in various scenes which will be replaced with the elusive water fetish scene Gabriel doth speaketh of.

3. Jenny and Nikky, season five.

One of the very first scenes of its kind outside of the adult movie industry. The use of girl-on-girl, plus a strap-on, is amazingly well done in this top scene. The scene leaves nothing to the imagination, but that really doesn’t hurt anything. This brings a whole new twist to girl-on-girl action.

4. Shane and Carmen, season two finale.

The season two finale features Shane and Cameron giving the fans just what they wanted and needed for two seasons. It is the perfect anticipation builder and a no-brainer for the top 5 hottest “The L Word” scenes.

5. Marina and Jenny, season one.

Let the cheating begin! After four years of happily-ever-after, Jenny finally decides that Marina is just the person to break that cycle. Their hot scene and chemistry-heavy build up is simply astounding and a sure topper for this top five list.

Johnny Storm/The Human Torch – Fantastic Four

Chris Evans broke into comic book movies with his role as Johnny Storm AKA The Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies. Nobody will mistake the Fantastic Four franchise for good movies, but Evans was actually a perfect fit for Johnny Storm. He was a perfect mix of headstrong, playful, and loyal to pull the character off. Also, the ladies loved him. In his first comic book movie, Chris Evans was a bright spot in an otherwise mediocre film. He played Johnny Storm once again in the sequel, 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, and while that movie was an improvement on the first, it still wasn’t good. Now that Chris Evans is going to be playing Captain America, don’t expect to see him around for any reboots of the Fantastic Four franchise.

Lucas Lee – Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World

Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World has not come out yet, but Chris Evans has jumped into this comic book movie as the character Lucas Lee, an evil skateboarder. This should be an interesting comic book role for Evans as we have not seen him play a villain yet, he’s always been one of the good guys. Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World is fairly lighthearted, so we should still be able to see Chris Evans’ playful side, especially considering the fact Lucas Lee is based off of skateboarder/actor Jason Lee. You might remember him from every Kevin Smith movie and My Name is Earl.

Nick Gant -Push

Push was not based off of a comic book, but it has super powered individuals and that is close enough for me. Push dealt with people who had powers like being able to see the future, yell loud enough to kill somebody, and move things with their minds. We actually got to see a more serious side of Evans in this movie as he played a more reluctant hero who didn’t have much of a sense of humor. Ladies still loved him. Push was enjoyable, not great, but it had plenty of scenes with Chris Evans either kicking ass or getting his ass kicked. It also featured Dakota Fanning being a creepy little girl.

Casey – TMNT

For those of you who don’t know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles didn’t start out as a Saturday morning cartoon, but rather as a comic book created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird. The comic book is quite a bit darker than the cartoons and movies, and as expected TMNT did not get very dark. One of the darker characters in that movie, however, was  Casey. If you don’t remember he was the guy with the hockey stick and old school hockey mask who helped the turtles beat up other ninjas. If that didn’t clear things up for you, he was the turtles’ human friend who didn’t have breasts. Alright, now that we are all on the same page we can all agree that he did a good job in the movie as the angry guy who wasn’t Rafael. TMNT was definitely geared toward a younger audience, but Chris Evans and everyone else made it enjoyable for all audiences.

Captain America – The Avengers

All of Chris Evans’ comic roles have been leading up to this moment. After The First Avenger: Captain America, Chris Evans will be playing Captain America in the biggest comic book movie event ever. The Avengers will take all of the characters from the various Marvel movies we have seen and put them together as a team of superheroes. Chris Evans has arguably the most important role as Captain America, the leader of the team. We will have to wait and see if his experience in various roles in many comic book movies has prepared him for this moment.

1. The Creatures

Here is a rundown of the non-human stars of The Herculoids. Igoo was a giant ape made out of rocks. He was super strong and basically couldn’t be hurt by anything. His favorite pastime was throwing boulders at invading spaceships. Tundro was also a rock creature, except he was based on a mix of a rhino and a centipede. Also, he could shoot rocks out of his horn, spin his head to drill through rocks, and his legs extended to ridiculous lengths for all those times he needed to be taller. Next we have Zok, who was basically an alien dragon. Yes, that is awesome. That includes not only being able to fly and breath fire, but also traveling through space and shooting laser beams out of his head. Last but not least we have Gloop and Gleep, essentially the first Flubbers. They are balls of goop that can turn themselves into chairs or trampolines, or whatever else they need to. The best part is all of these creatures seemed to understand what the humans in the show were saying and would comply with their orders. Imagine having a space dragon you could ride around. That was everyday life for Dorno.

2. Zandor Has a Mysterious Past

As previously mentioned, highly advanced alien races were always coming to the little planet Zandor, his wife, Tarra, and their son, Dorno, called home. Was it because these aliens had ruined the ecosystems on their home planets during their never ending search for superior technology? Were they gathering interplanetary slaves for a gigantic space war? No, they were usually just pissed at Zandor. Almost every single alien invader listed a past slight by Zandor as their main reason for attacking. It was never specifically said what exactly Zandor had done to piss these aliens off, but I think he was a space pirate. He would steal their technology and sell it to other aliens until he was able to buy a tiny planet where he and his family could spend the rest of their days wearing fur loincloths and avoiding any use of technology whatsoever. I assume all of the angry aliens had a brother killed by Zandor during a theft gone wrong.

3. Did I Mention Zok?

Yes, all of the creatures in The Herculoids are pretty cool. Zok is by far the coolest though. Let me give you a rundown of this again. Zok is a space dragon who can fly through space, breathe fire, and shoot laser beams out of his head. Now I will pause for a second as these facts sink in and you realize that Zok is THE COOLEST THING EVER. Wait, it gets better, Dorno, son of Zandor, would often ride Zok and get a great view of enemies getting blasted by laser beams. There is nothing in the world that would be greater than riding a space dragon, not even riding a 10 legged rock rhino.

4. Sexism is Funny

Zandor, being a former space pirate, was pretty bad ass. He would lead the charge against whatever aliens happened to be invading that day, and would rack up a good kill count. This is counting all of the assumed kills that happened off screen, these old cartoons never showed the good parts. Dorno inherited some of his father’s bloodlust and would use a slingshot to rain down fiery uncomfortableness upon his enemies. Not as effective as his father, but still a pretty good contribution. Then there was Tarra. Oh, Tarra, you tried. You really did. Since this was an old cartoon and Tarra was a woman, that meant she was essentially useless. Her attacks against the aliens would usually end with her being kidnapped and used as a hostage until Zandor came and rescued her. She was captured a shockingly high number of times. Chances are she was tired of living in the jungle in a fur loincloth and just wanted to leave with people who had technology such as dishwashers and hair driers.

5. Technology is Evil

The Herculoids was all about going green before going green was trendy. These were semi-barbaric humans fighting against advanced races using nothing but their wits, the environment, and space dragons. Technology didn’t stand a chance, especially because only the evil guys were using it. A slingshot was about as advanced as things got for The Herculoids. This appealed to all of us young kids who just wanted to spend all day in a treehouse using a slingshot to shoot acorns at cute girls. Looking back, I don’t think many of us really got the environmental message though. We just knew there was a damn space dragon.

Nightbringer – Graham McNeill

Nightbringer is a novel set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe, which would already bring in a devoted fan following to its movie counterpart. Nightbringer is about Space Marines, genetically altered human warriors, killing some evil alien pirates in space. That already sounds like the type of sci-fi movie guys would want to go see, and that’s only the first half of the book. The true threat, an extremely ancient alien race that devours suns, is revealed towards the end, and the space marines must do whatever it takes to save the galaxy. It has been a while since there has been a good quality straightforward sci-fi movie that just involves some highly trained soldiers duking it out with their alien counterparts. A good visceral sci-fi movie is just what we need after seeing blue cat people hug trees.  

American Gods – Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman is one of the premier authors of our age, and American Gods is arguably his best novel. American Gods takes a hard look at how the Gods of antiquity, such as Anansi, Odin, and Anubis, are being replaced as we begin to worship new Gods, such as The Intangibles, Technical Boy, and Media. The most famous quote in the book is “This is a bad land for Gods,” said by the main character Shadow about Gods in America. These are the kinds of topics that interest people, and the twist at the end of the book is better than anything M. Night  Shyamalan has produced. There are also some action sequences that could look amazing on the big screen, especially when Shadow traverses the realm of the Gods. 

Good Omens – Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett

As 2012 draws closer, we are seeing more and more movies about the desperate struggle of people trying to survive the end of the world. Good Omens could capitalize on the end of the world craze while taking it in a whole new direction. Gaiman and Pratchett worked together marvelously to produce what is undoubtedly the funniest satirical take on the end of the world as we know it. The Anti-Christ ends up with a nice family, his demon dog is actually a little puppy, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have modern day jobs, all these seemingly absurd pieces come together to form a hilarious but thoughtful picture on society. Some good actors would be able to deliver some very memorable speeches and one-liners in a movie version of this book

 Trollslayer – William King

Trollslayer is a fantasy novel about a Dwarf, Gotrek, who was vowed to die a glorious death fighting evil beasts due to some past dishonor, and his human companion, Felix, who drunkenly vowed to follow the dwarf wherever he goes to record his doom in an epic poem. Gotrek is a gruff warrior who is quicker to fight than he is to speak, and Felix is caught up in the events around him. What could make this book a great movie is not only the action, but the fact that it is the first in a series of books. Throughout the series there is a lot of character growth, a twisting plot with recurring side characters and villains, and lots and lots of action. This is pretty much everything you need for a good movie series, as long as a ruggedly handsome actor was cast as Felix, you know, for the ladies.

Storm Front – Jim Butcher

Storm Front is also the first of a series of books, following modern day wizard and private investigator, Harry Dresden. The books are written with a dry wit that would be absolutely hilarious as Dresden has mastered the art of the understatement while being attacked by horrific creatures. This series could also capitalize on the popularity of werewolves and vampires in modern culture, as Harry Dresden has gone up against both of them, and not the twinkle in sunlight kind either. While it is true that there was a television show based on these books, it was low production quality and did not have the best actors. When done right, these books could be turned into a modern day fantasy series that could easily become very popular. 

Jhereg – Steven Brust

To finish this list off, we will add some balance and add the third book that is part of a series. Jhereg is the first book in the Vlad Taltos series, and follows the thief, enforcer, and assassin Vlad Taltos as he tries to work his way up the societal ranks. The kicker is that he is a human, and looked down upon by the larger and longer living Dragearans. Taltos uses his wits, cunning, and blades to keep himself safe, and he does indeed move up and gain some influential friends as the series progresses, is forced to live as an outcast, and goes on a variety of misadventures. This is another book that could be turned into a fantasy movie for the ages with the right production quality.  

1. Teela – He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Teela was the headstrong redhead from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, and her outfit was as minimal as He-Man’s. We just didn’t feel as awkward when we noticed that she was showing a lot of skin. She gave us the impression that girls could actually be fun, and since I am talking about our childhood selves I mean because of her adventuring ways, not her outfit. She was always the one leading the charge against Skeletor and his goons, and that’s the kind of fearlessness boys admire. Of course she would always get into trouble and need He-Man and his exposed nipples to save her, allowing the boys to feel superior. Also, she never could figure out that He-Man was Prince Adam wearing underwear and suspenders. We were way smarter than her.

2. April – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

April O’Neill was a news reporter by day, friend of four mutated crime stopping turtles by night. What was it that drew our younger selves towards her? I believe it was her shared taste for pizza and the fact that she had absolutely no problem hanging out with four man-sized talking turtles. If she could get through that to sit down to dinner with them then there was no way she would care about our oversized ears everybody else made fun of. She also hung out in the sewer with them, which would make our rooms seem immaculate by comparison. Tell me why I should pick up my socks now, mom! Plus we all thought we were totally radical, just like the teenage mutant ninja turtles.

3. Wonder Woman – Super Friends

Wonder Woman wore a pretty revealing outfit, always had on stripper boots and owned an invisible jet. I suppose our younger selves liked the first two things, but even then we knew that the idea of the invisible jet was pretty stupid. The motivation for our crush on Wonder Woman goes beyond all of this and can be summed up in one sentence: Wonder Woman hung out with Batman. If we could get close to Wonder Woman, she would introduce us to Batman, he’d think we were awesome and invite us to join the Super Friends and drive Wonder Woman around in his Batmobile occasionally. Of course he’d have to kick out the Wonder Twins, but that’s not much of a downside.

4. Daphne – Scooby Doo

Apparently our younger selves had something for the redheads. Daphne was essentially the cartoon version of the popular girl we always had a crush on. She was the good looking one who was not too bright and always enjoyed wearing  short dresses. We all knew the only reason she was with the gang solving mysteries was because of that douche nozzle Fred. Perhaps that is what led many young men of our generation to trade in ascots for blowouts, seeking their own Daphnes. While we knew she was out of our league, we still harbored that crush. What 10 year old wouldn’t want to hang out with  girl who had a talking dog?

5. Velma – Scooby-Doo

While Daphne was put upon the pedestal, Velma became our view of the realistically attainable girl. She had all the noticeable lady parts that Daphne had, she just did not flaunt them. She had glasses, she was smart, and she was often overlooked. We still noticed her though. We knew we were smarter than Fred, and thus we would have to be paired up with the smarter girl. Through process of elimination, that left Velma. While our crushes on her weren’t as much as for Daphne, Velma still had a talking dog. Scooby-Doo was a win/win situation for us. We also knew Shaggy was no competition whatsoever.

6. Cheetara – Thundercats

Whenever we hear “Thundercats HOOOO!” we all think of Cheetara. There was kind of a Smurfette situation going on with Cheetara, as she was the only female member of the Thundercats. Well at least the only one we noticed. I could get into stuff about how she fought with a staff that extends in her hands, but I doubt any of us really noticed that joke until we stopped telling people we were still watching Thundercats. Cheetara just grabbed our attention by being the only girl on the team, and one who really just looked like a chick who was into hair metal rather than a cat hybrid.

This is the latest show based in ancient Rome. Spartacus is the most famous of the gladiators to fight in the Colosseum. This show has an extreme amount of blood and violence, and pretty much any time that there isn’t somebody being decapitated there is some crazy sex going on. The only drawback is the male nudity. I’m sure some people like me, and there was a lot of nudity going on during that time period, I’m just not a huge fan of dongs flapping in the wind.

Rome was a great show on HBO. It followed ancient Rome as historical events turned Rome into an Empire. This show did a great job of weaving actual historical events and notable figures through the eyes of two common soldiers. Ray Stevenson plays Titus Pullo, one of those common soldiers and also a complete bad ass.

Ben-Hur is a classic. It might be ridiculously long, but that’s just because it covers so much. Charlton Heston plays a Jewish prince who gets the shaft from his childhood friend Mesalla, and becomes a slave. He works his way up and becomes loved by the Romans, participates in the most bad ass chariot race that has ever happened, and hangs out with Jesus a little bit. While this is an older movie, it is just as powerful, if not more so, than any other movie on this list.

Brad Pitt is awesome in Troy as Achilles. Basically all 6 hours of Troy are great to watch because it really is seeing ancient legends come to life. We get to see a demigod tear through mortal men until a lucky shot brings him down, we see how insanely hot Helen of Troy is, and we see what a pussy Paris was. For those of you who don’t know your Greek history, Paris is the guy who stole Helen away from Menelaus and started the war. Eric Bana plays Prince Hector, Paris’ older brother, and possibly the coolest guy in the movie who dies for his brother. I hate you Paris.

Russell Crowe made a name for himself in Gladiator. That doesn’t mean that people didn’t know who Russell Crowe was before Gladiator, but he was a household name after. Gladiator was an extremely well done movie chronicling the fall of a Roman soldier into the arena as a Gladiator, and how his fighting prowess made him the most influential man alive. The fight scenes are brutal and extremely well done, and let’s be honest, that’s what most of us care about. The entire story is an inspiring one though, as a man loses everything, his power, his family,and his country, only to rise up higher than ever before.