Humor District

Let’s start off with a basic overview of The Herculoids. This was an old saturday morning cartoon featuring a sparsely inhabited planet that had 3 humans living on it, Zandor, Tarra, and Dorno. For some reason, evil technologically advanced aliens were always hellbent on taking over this particular planet, or blowing it up. Luckily there were 5 creatures on the planet that would always save the day. In fact they are the first reason we love The Herculoids.

1. The Creatures

Here is a rundown of the non-human stars of The Herculoids. Igoo was a giant ape made out of rocks. He was super strong and basically couldn’t be hurt by anything. His favorite pastime was throwing boulders at invading spaceships. Tundro was also a rock creature, except he was based on a mix of a rhino and a centipede. Also, he could shoot rocks out of his horn, spin his head to drill through rocks, and his legs extended to ridiculous lengths for all those times he needed to be taller. Next we have Zok, who was basically an alien dragon. Yes, that is awesome. That includes not only being able to fly and breath fire, but also traveling through space and shooting laser beams out of his head. Last but not least we have Gloop and Gleep, essentially the first Flubbers. They are balls of goop that can turn themselves into chairs or trampolines, or whatever else they need to. The best part is all of these creatures seemed to understand what the humans in the show were saying and would comply with their orders. Imagine having a space dragon you could ride around. That was everyday life for Dorno.

2. Zandor Has a Mysterious Past

As previously mentioned, highly advanced alien races were always coming to the little planet Zandor, his wife, Tarra, and their son, Dorno, called home. Was it because these aliens had ruined the ecosystems on their home planets during their never ending search for superior technology? Were they gathering interplanetary slaves for a gigantic space war? No, they were usually just pissed at Zandor. Almost every single alien invader listed a past slight by Zandor as their main reason for attacking. It was never specifically said what exactly Zandor had done to piss these aliens off, but I think he was a space pirate. He would steal their technology and sell it to other aliens until he was able to buy a tiny planet where he and his family could spend the rest of their days wearing fur loincloths and avoiding any use of technology whatsoever. I assume all of the angry aliens had a brother killed by Zandor during a theft gone wrong.

3. Did I Mention Zok?

Yes, all of the creatures in The Herculoids are pretty cool. Zok is by far the coolest though. Let me give you a rundown of this again. Zok is a space dragon who can fly through space, breathe fire, and shoot laser beams out of his head. Now I will pause for a second as these facts sink in and you realize that Zok is THE COOLEST THING EVER. Wait, it gets better, Dorno, son of Zandor, would often ride Zok and get a great view of enemies getting blasted by laser beams. There is nothing in the world that would be greater than riding a space dragon, not even riding a 10 legged rock rhino.

4. Sexism is Funny

Zandor, being a former space pirate, was pretty bad ass. He would lead the charge against whatever aliens happened to be invading that day, and would rack up a good kill count. This is counting all of the assumed kills that happened off screen, these old cartoons never showed the good parts. Dorno inherited some of his father’s bloodlust and would use a slingshot to rain down fiery uncomfortableness upon his enemies. Not as effective as his father, but still a pretty good contribution. Then there was Tarra. Oh, Tarra, you tried. You really did. Since this was an old cartoon and Tarra was a woman, that meant she was essentially useless. Her attacks against the aliens would usually end with her being kidnapped and used as a hostage until Zandor came and rescued her. She was captured a shockingly high number of times. Chances are she was tired of living in the jungle in a fur loincloth and just wanted to leave with people who had technology such as dishwashers and hair driers.

5. Technology is Evil

The Herculoids was all about going green before going green was trendy. These were semi-barbaric humans fighting against advanced races using nothing but their wits, the environment, and space dragons. Technology didn’t stand a chance, especially because only the evil guys were using it. A slingshot was about as advanced as things got for The Herculoids. This appealed to all of us young kids who just wanted to spend all day in a treehouse using a slingshot to shoot acorns at cute girls. Looking back, I don’t think many of us really got the environmental message though. We just knew there was a damn space dragon.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Hollywood has often taken great books and transformed them into movies, mainly because it easier to make money since the books already have loyal followers. This has had mixed results, with some classic movies like Fight Club and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, while other movies based on books have completely flopped, such as every single movie based on The Scarlet Letter. It takes a certain kind of book to survive the transition to the big screen, and it takes a good crew and actors to do the books justice. All in all, it is a tricky thing to attempt, but I believe these 7 books could make great movies, as long as they were handled correctly.

Nightbringer – Graham McNeill

Nightbringer is a novel set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe, which would already bring in a devoted fan following to its movie counterpart. Nightbringer is about Space Marines, genetically altered human warriors, killing some evil alien pirates in space. That already sounds like the type of sci-fi movie guys would want to go see, and that’s only the first half of the book. The true threat, an extremely ancient alien race that devours suns, is revealed towards the end, and the space marines must do whatever it takes to save the galaxy. It has been a while since there has been a good quality straightforward sci-fi movie that just involves some highly trained soldiers duking it out with their alien counterparts. A good visceral sci-fi movie is just what we need after seeing blue cat people hug trees.  

American Gods – Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman is one of the premier authors of our age, and American Gods is arguably his best novel. American Gods takes a hard look at how the Gods of antiquity, such as Anansi, Odin, and Anubis, are being replaced as we begin to worship new Gods, such as The Intangibles, Technical Boy, and Media. The most famous quote in the book is “This is a bad land for Gods,” said by the main character Shadow about Gods in America. These are the kinds of topics that interest people, and the twist at the end of the book is better than anything M. Night  Shyamalan has produced. There are also some action sequences that could look amazing on the big screen, especially when Shadow traverses the realm of the Gods. 

Good Omens – Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett

As 2012 draws closer, we are seeing more and more movies about the desperate struggle of people trying to survive the end of the world. Good Omens could capitalize on the end of the world craze while taking it in a whole new direction. Gaiman and Pratchett worked together marvelously to produce what is undoubtedly the funniest satirical take on the end of the world as we know it. The Anti-Christ ends up with a nice family, his demon dog is actually a little puppy, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have modern day jobs, all these seemingly absurd pieces come together to form a hilarious but thoughtful picture on society. Some good actors would be able to deliver some very memorable speeches and one-liners in a movie version of this book

 Trollslayer – William King

Trollslayer is a fantasy novel about a Dwarf, Gotrek, who was vowed to die a glorious death fighting evil beasts due to some past dishonor, and his human companion, Felix, who drunkenly vowed to follow the dwarf wherever he goes to record his doom in an epic poem. Gotrek is a gruff warrior who is quicker to fight than he is to speak, and Felix is caught up in the events around him. What could make this book a great movie is not only the action, but the fact that it is the first in a series of books. Throughout the series there is a lot of character growth, a twisting plot with recurring side characters and villains, and lots and lots of action. This is pretty much everything you need for a good movie series, as long as a ruggedly handsome actor was cast as Felix, you know, for the ladies.

Storm Front – Jim Butcher

Storm Front is also the first of a series of books, following modern day wizard and private investigator, Harry Dresden. The books are written with a dry wit that would be absolutely hilarious as Dresden has mastered the art of the understatement while being attacked by horrific creatures. This series could also capitalize on the popularity of werewolves and vampires in modern culture, as Harry Dresden has gone up against both of them, and not the twinkle in sunlight kind either. While it is true that there was a television show based on these books, it was low production quality and did not have the best actors. When done right, these books could be turned into a modern day fantasy series that could easily become very popular. 

Jhereg – Steven Brust

To finish this list off, we will add some balance and add the third book that is part of a series. Jhereg is the first book in the Vlad Taltos series, and follows the thief, enforcer, and assassin Vlad Taltos as he tries to work his way up the societal ranks. The kicker is that he is a human, and looked down upon by the larger and longer living Dragearans. Taltos uses his wits, cunning, and blades to keep himself safe, and he does indeed move up and gain some influential friends as the series progresses, is forced to live as an outcast, and goes on a variety of misadventures. This is another book that could be turned into a fantasy movie for the ages with the right production quality.  

Popularity: 21% [?]

Admit it, we’ve all been there. Younger versions of ourselves would be intrigued be the female characters on our Saturday morning cartoons. We didn’t completely understand it, but we would have conversations with our friends about how if the Baroness from G.I. Joe was real we would totally…well, we didn’t know yet. We would do whatever it is prepubescent boys do with girls, which is probably throw mud at them and run away giggling so they know how much we liked them. Yes, these 7 cartoon ladies led us towards manhood when our parents felt too awkward to tell us what we should actually expect from women.

1. Teela – He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Teela was the headstrong redhead from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, and her outfit was as minimal as He-Man’s. We just didn’t feel as awkward when we noticed that she was showing a lot of skin. She gave us the impression that girls could actually be fun, and since I am talking about our childhood selves I mean because of her adventuring ways, not her outfit. She was always the one leading the charge against Skeletor and his goons, and that’s the kind of fearlessness boys admire. Of course she would always get into trouble and need He-Man and his exposed nipples to save her, allowing the boys to feel superior. Also, she never could figure out that He-Man was Prince Adam wearing underwear and suspenders. We were way smarter than her.

2. April – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

April O’Neill was a news reporter by day, friend of four mutated crime stopping turtles by night. What was it that drew our younger selves towards her? I believe it was her shared taste for pizza and the fact that she had absolutely no problem hanging out with four man-sized talking turtles. If she could get through that to sit down to dinner with them then there was no way she would care about our oversized ears everybody else made fun of. She also hung out in the sewer with them, which would make our rooms seem immaculate by comparison. Tell me why I should pick up my socks now, mom! Plus we all thought we were totally radical, just like the teenage mutant ninja turtles.

3. Wonder Woman – Super Friends

Wonder Woman wore a pretty revealing outfit, always had on stripper boots and owned an invisible jet. I suppose our younger selves liked the first two things, but even then we knew that the idea of the invisible jet was pretty stupid. The motivation for our crush on Wonder Woman goes beyond all of this and can be summed up in one sentence: Wonder Woman hung out with Batman. If we could get close to Wonder Woman, she would introduce us to Batman, he’d think we were awesome and invite us to join the Super Friends and drive Wonder Woman around in his Batmobile occasionally. Of course he’d have to kick out the Wonder Twins, but that’s not much of a downside.

4. Daphne – Scooby Doo

Apparently our younger selves had something for the redheads. Daphne was essentially the cartoon version of the popular girl we always had a crush on. She was the good looking one who was not too bright and always enjoyed wearing  short dresses. We all knew the only reason she was with the gang solving mysteries was because of that douche nozzle Fred. Perhaps that is what led many young men of our generation to trade in ascots for blowouts, seeking their own Daphnes. While we knew she was out of our league, we still harbored that crush. What 10 year old wouldn’t want to hang out with  girl who had a talking dog?

5. Velma – Scooby-Doo

While Daphne was put upon the pedestal, Velma became our view of the realistically attainable girl. She had all the noticeable lady parts that Daphne had, she just did not flaunt them. She had glasses, she was smart, and she was often overlooked. We still noticed her though. We knew we were smarter than Fred, and thus we would have to be paired up with the smarter girl. Through process of elimination, that left Velma. While our crushes on her weren’t as much as for Daphne, Velma still had a talking dog. Scooby-Doo was a win/win situation for us. We also knew Shaggy was no competition whatsoever.

6. Cheetara – Thundercats

Whenever we hear “Thundercats HOOOO!” we all think of Cheetara. There was kind of a Smurfette situation going on with Cheetara, as she was the only female member of the Thundercats. Well at least the only one we noticed. I could get into stuff about how she fought with a staff that extends in her hands, but I doubt any of us really noticed that joke until we stopped telling people we were still watching Thundercats. Cheetara just grabbed our attention by being the only girl on the team, and one who really just looked like a chick who was into hair metal rather than a cat hybrid.

Popularity: 33% [?]

It doesn’t really take a blockbuster movie to make the days of the ancient Romans and Greeks seem awesome. There were so many wars going, gladiatorial battles, and gods coming down and knocking up mortal women that it seems like every day was an adventure on a grand scale. Of course movies and television shows aren’t satisfied with this level of greatness, and put in as much action, sex, and more action that they can. That’s what makes these eras perfect for movies.

This is the latest show based in ancient Rome. Spartacus is the most famous of the gladiators to fight in the Colosseum. This show has an extreme amount of blood and violence, and pretty much any time that there isn’t somebody being decapitated there is some crazy sex going on. The only drawback is the male nudity. I’m sure some people like me, and there was a lot of nudity going on during that time period, I’m just not a huge fan of dongs flapping in the wind.

Rome was a great show on HBO. It followed ancient Rome as historical events turned Rome into an Empire. This show did a great job of weaving actual historical events and notable figures through the eyes of two common soldiers. Ray Stevenson plays Titus Pullo, one of those common soldiers and also a complete bad ass.

Ben-Hur is a classic. It might be ridiculously long, but that’s just because it covers so much. Charlton Heston plays a Jewish prince who gets the shaft from his childhood friend Mesalla, and becomes a slave. He works his way up and becomes loved by the Romans, participates in the most bad ass chariot race that has ever happened, and hangs out with Jesus a little bit. While this is an older movie, it is just as powerful, if not more so, than any other movie on this list.

Brad Pitt is awesome in Troy as Achilles. Basically all 6 hours of Troy are great to watch because it really is seeing ancient legends come to life. We get to see a demigod tear through mortal men until a lucky shot brings him down, we see how insanely hot Helen of Troy is, and we see what a pussy Paris was. For those of you who don’t know your Greek history, Paris is the guy who stole Helen away from Menelaus and started the war. Eric Bana plays Prince Hector, Paris’ older brother, and possibly the coolest guy in the movie who dies for his brother. I hate you Paris.

Russell Crowe made a name for himself in Gladiator. That doesn’t mean that people didn’t know who Russell Crowe was before Gladiator, but he was a household name after. Gladiator was an extremely well done movie chronicling the fall of a Roman soldier into the arena as a Gladiator, and how his fighting prowess made him the most influential man alive. The fight scenes are brutal and extremely well done, and let’s be honest, that’s what most of us care about. The entire story is an inspiring one though, as a man loses everything, his power, his family,and his country, only to rise up higher than ever before.

Popularity: 6% [?]

30 Rock has consistently proven itself to be one of the funniest shows on television. What makes it funny time after time is the fact that it doesn’t rely on outrageous things happening, but rather on a varied cast of outrageous characters. Every week involves a clash of overinflated egos, comic misunderstandings, and eccentric behavior. Oh yes, there’s plenty of eccentric behavior, and these 5 characters are the ones most often involved in that behavior.

Cerie Xerox, played by Katrina Bowden, is the resident eye candy at 30 Rock. She does it very well. Her appearance on the show definitely makes the guys pay attention, especially when she wears revealing outfits. That means always. She is more than a pretty face though, her interactions with Liz are hilarious, as she remains convinced that Liz must have been married with several kids to look like she does. Cerie isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and is fairly naive, but I would love to make her dream of marrying a rich guy and designing handbags come true. Now I just have to get rich.

Kenneth Parcell (Jack McBrayer) is the best page NBC has ever seen. He is ridiculously dedicated to his job, doing anything anyone asks him to, and seeks no advancement. He is also always smiling, even when running dangerous errands for Tracy or breaking into houses for Jack. It can get a little creepy at times. Jack, who can read everyone, has no idea what Kenneth is ever thinking. So while seeming like a wide eyed child marveling at what goes on around him, I am convinced there is something more sinister about Kenneth. As Jack said, in 30 years Kenneth will either have his job or have killed them all.

Liz (Tina Fey) is the driving force behind everything at 30 Rock. She has the unenviable job of resolving conflicts between everyone else. She is essentially the mom of the show. Unfortunately for her, she is still struggling on finding somebody to support her, although she does have a good relationship with Jack. All too often Liz finds herself insulting people while eating fatty foods and buying wedding dresses to wear when she dies alone. Yes, she definitely has some problems of her own. Luckily Liz is a problem solver, and comes up with some unique solutions to some pretty crazy problems. She’ll make it.

Jack Donaghy is played by Alec Baldwin. There isn’t much more that needs to be said. He is absolutely hilarious. Jack knows pretty much all there is to know when it comes to business, and seems to have connections to everyone who is anyone. He has also read so many market studies that he can take a glance at anyone who isn’t Kenneth and identify their age, weight, specific interests, and seemingly their thoughts. At the same time, Jack doesn’t have an abundance of common sense and is a bit of a romantic at heart despite the many actresses and models he has bedded. This leaves him in some vulnerable positions, but Liz always comes to the rescue.

Tracy Morgan really is Tracy Jordan. He is Tracy Jordan in everything I’ve seen him in and that is fantastic. He is most commonly described as a loose cannon, but I prefer off the walls insane. I mean that in a good way. Tracy is so lazy he uses white guilt against Liz to convince her he can’t read, and uses that as an excuse to show up to work late. He threw a giant party on a yacht he didn’t own. He hallucinates about little blue people when he doesn’t take his medication. He is constantly making sure he does outrageous things so the public doesn’t get bored with him, but he needn’t worry. We will love him until his medication actually starts to work.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Look, no one ever thought the President of the United State would be cast as a black man, but it happened.  I mean thinking about how great movies were updated with black actors, and how great characters were upgraded to black characters, maybe it’s time to open the door for a lot of other taboo characters.    These are the five that I’d vote for.

5) Robin Hood

Why it’s time: It’s not like people would have a hard time believing that black people steal.  Hey, I’m just being honest.  I know that black people may not have been around during medieval times (what, do I look like a Historian to you?), but still, can we at least get a variation of Robin Hood?  Maybe an modern version?  This story has to resonate in the hood.  It has to.  Hood is his name for crying out loud!

4) Wonder Woman

Why it’s time: She came from the amazon.  A South American country.  Why is Wonder Woman white in the first place?  There were slaves sent to South America, maybe one of them married an amazon, or was forced to serve an amazon sexually…I don’t know how that whole thing thing works.  But the point is it’s toally believable for Wonder Woman to be black, more-so than for her to be Caucasian.  I’m just saying.

3) Terminator

Why it’s time: He’s a freaking robot from the future.  I know there are black people in the future.  Are we not good enough to have a Terminator molded after us?  Sam Worthington had a Terminator modeled after him.  Who the hell is he?  I know they are doing more Terminator movies.  They better do them right.  By definitions robots are made from interchangeable parts, so no one has to get mad that it’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger.

2) James Bond

Why it’s time: It’s not like there is a certain image that comes to mind when you think James Bond.  Everybody and their mother has been cast as James Bond.  None of them look a like.  Clearly there is a broad standard in the casting.  Why can’t he be black?  African-Americans live in England…but then I guess they’d be African-Englanders…whatever…you know what I mean.  Anyway, maybe James Bond was always black and the slick haired Caucasian look was just a disguise.  Maybe he was light skin.  I don’t care.  Sell it.

1) Tarzan

Why it’s time: Look, Tarzan is a muscle-bound, incredibly athletic and uncivilized dude swinging through the jungle on vines with the IQ of a grapefruit and has dark skin and woolly hair…

…

Black people can’t have this one?  That’s exactly what black people are notoriously accused of being!  If I read that description at a Klan meeting or even a Congressional hearing they’d accuse this suspect of being a black man.  And Tarzan spends all his time chasing a white woman…are you hearing me?

P.S. – the art/photos were gathered via the internet from some pretty imaginative people who apparently have an Obama obsession.  Nice work though.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 5% [?]

Some people consider this a slap in the face to the original designs.  I’m here to tell you these re-castings prove those people are wrong.  If you look at the worlds in which these characters were created you’d think that black people never made it off the boat.  In New York no less.  That’s not realistic.  Modern writers knew that and gave birth to some refreshing adaptations of each character.  And so black icons were born.  Happy Black History Month!

5) Catwoman – Batman

Original Character Traits: Selena Kyle is sassy, sexy and tough as nails.  Part pussy, part b*tch.  The ultimate diva.

Why they went black: Have you met a black woman?  Haha, j/k.  Sort of.  When you think Catwoman — for a lot of people — Eartha Kitt comes to mind.  Eartha was the purrr-fect (couldn’t resist) blend of femininity and ass-kicking toughness.  She was the cat with the canary.  She could kiss it or eat it, you just never know.  Halle Berry was a good choice too…the script was not.

4) Robert Neville – I Am Legend

Original Character Traits: A gritty scientist trying to revive humanity — while holding onto his own — who hunts vam-zombies.

Why they went black: Can you really go wrong casting Will Smith?  Anyway, 50 years ago most people would laugh at the idea of a black person being Robert Neville, a brilliant scientist.  Today, it’s not so far fetched.  Besides, if you think of someone being brilliant yet fit enough to survivor an apocalypse and still interesting enough to capture our attention Cast Away-style…again it’s Will Smith.

3) Kingpin – Daredevil

Original Character Traits: the Kingpin is gigantic, but not fat.  Tough.  Brawler.  Feared.  Threatening in a “holy sh*t get out of this guy’s way” way.

Why they went black: This one was a no-brainer.  The deep voice and imposingly muscular presence alone made Michael Clarke Duncan the obvious choice.  Add that Kingpin was from one of the roughest neighborhoods in New York and why not make him a ‘hood survivor?  It just makes sense.

2) Dracula – Vampire in Brooklyn

Original Character Traits: Charming but deadly.

Why they went black: Okay so Eddie Murphy wasn’t exactly playing Dracula, but it’s the same principle.  Typically when a black person is cast in a movie he’s the lover or the fighter.  There doesn’t seem to be an in between in the perception of African-Americans.  No black geeks, nerds or outcasts.  Dracula was both a lover and a fighter.  There you go.

1) God – Bruce Almighty

Original Character Traits: The creator.  His son — or He if that’s what you believe — had “skin of bronze and hair of wool.”

Why they went black: Who’s that sound like to you?  Morgan Freeman is practically a god himself though, so he was a perfect fit.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

It is a wide spread belief that movie sequels are never as good as the originals. Usually the sequel is only made because of the popularity of the original movie, which guarantees the following movie will rake in big bucks at the box office. Fortunately there are sequels out there that have proven this way of thinking wrong. These sequels are not only as good as the original movies, but a step above, ensuring a third movie will continue to earn our money. These are 5 sequels that have beaten the odds and surpassed the originals.

The first Spider-Man was surprisingly successful and well done, even if Kirsten Dunst was about the worst Mary Jane possible. Tobey Maguire was believable as the titular wall crawler, and it was an overall enjoyable movie. Then the sequel came, and what a sequel it was. The Green Goblin was replaced with the tormented Dr. Otto Octavius, AKA Dr. Octopus, who puts on a great performance. In the sequel Peter Parker struggles to accept the fact that his powers as Spider-Man put a tremendous burden on him and those around him. That’s pretty deep for a comic book movie, which made Spider-Man 2 vastly superior to the original.

The first Back to the Future movie was entertaining. The sequel built upon the comedy in the original, but also added in some murder and a set of guidelines for time travel. It was quite obvious that this sequel was not rushed out just to make some money, as the stories between all three of the Back to the Future movies intertwine beautifully. When the second installment ended in a cliffhanger, everyone knew that they had to see the third.

Terminator was a great movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger was terrifying as a single minded killing machine. Then the sequel came and flipped things upside down. Arnold was once again a killing machine, but this time he was on our side. That should mean instant victory, but a new Terminator was created that was practically indestructible. Terminator 2 played out this conflict perfectly, and also had some great special effects. James Cameron truly was a master of the sci-fi action movie back in the day.

The first Star Wars was good, but the second installment in the series is when all the back stories really started to get fleshed out. Not only do we get to meet Lando Calrissian, the only black man in the galaxy, but we see Han Solo frozen in carbonite and Darth Vader’s relationship to Luke and Leia is revealed. He’s their dad. I’d have said spoiler alert, but everyone already knows that. Look into your heart, you know this to be true. This is the movie that proved space operas are the best movie genre ever.

Once again we have a comic book movie sequel that was better than the already good sequel. Batman Begins was a great reboot for the series, and got to the dark and gritty soul of Batman before it became cliche. Then The Dark Knight showed up and blew us away. Let’s be honest, Heath Ledger’s performance as the Joker is what made this movie. That was one of the best performances ever. The movie itself, with Batman’s internal struggle to do what’s best for his city, and the rise and fall of Harvey Dent, was amazingly written and acted. The third film in the franchise will have a hard time stacking up to this.

Popularity: 23% [?]

No, I am not talking about Renee Zellweger here. Dogs really are man’s best friend, which is why dogs are so often featured in movies and on television. They are often even the stars of their own movies, such as 101 Dalmations and Homeward Bound. If there is a dog in a movie, we will probably love it because we can’t get enough of those furry bastards. Unless the movie has chihuahuas. Here are the 5 dogs who have made the biggest impressions onscreen.

Rin Tin Tin was one of the first dogs to have a leading movie role. What makes this German Shepherd so special is the fact that the original Rin Tin Tin was found as puppy in France during World War I. An American soldier brought the puppy home and soon it was appearing in movies as Rin Tin Tin. The first movie Rin Tin Tin starred in was Where the North Begins in 1923. After that Rin Tin Tin became an icon, and many German Shepherds have taken the name and heroic roles since.

Bolt is the title character of one of Disney’s latest and greatest movies. What makes Bolt so lovable is the fact that he thinks he has superpowers. Throughout the movie, Bolt thinks he can handle any situation with his super bark, super speed, laser vision, and a myriad of other powers. When he learns that he doesn’t have any powers, Bolt is absolutely crushed. Of course this is a Disney movie, so in the end Bolt proves that you don’t need superpowers to be a hero, and Bolt becomes one of the greatest dogs in recent memory.

Old Yeller is the story of a boy and his dog. It is also one of the saddest movies ever made. Old Yeller is Travis Coates’ best friend, and earns the Coates’ family’s love when he fights off a bear and a wolf. It is impossible not to love a dog as heroic as that. Unfortunately Yeller develops rabies from a wolf bite and Travis is forced to put his dog down. This is the old days, so there were no vets to do a proper euthanasia. This means Travis has to shoot his own dog. A very sad moment, but Old Yeller lives on in our hearts.

Scooby-Doo is one of the most famous dogs ever. It is next to impossible to not know who that cowardly dog is. Scooby-Doo and his hilarious hi jinks have solved hundreds of mysteries over the year, usually resulting in Old Man Witherspoon being revealed as the man dressing up as a werewolf. Despite his best efforts, Scooby-Doo and his pal Shaggy would wind up in the middle of the mystery and unintentionally capture the “monster” every time. He can’t be described as heroic, but he was loyal and thoroughly entertaining.

When people think of dogs, the name Lassie usually comes to mind. Lassie was a heroic Collie who was always saving little Timmy, who for some reason could not stop falling down wells. There have been numerous movies and television shows about Lassie, elevating her to an iconic status representing heroic dogs everywhere. Lassie and Rin Tin Tin are two of the three dogs who have been awarded stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, sealing her status as one of the greatest dogs of all time.

Popularity: 16% [?]

How do you make a remake worth while?  You take a film classic, add a black cast…stir…wait 2 hours and presto!  You’ve got a fresh new look on an old Hollywood favorite.  Sometimes it doesn’t work out (see the Honeymooners), but other times it’s movie gold.  These are such times.  Happy Black History Month!

5) Death at a Funeral

Original movie: A British version.  Nothing against our neighbors in language, but a lot of the humor just went over my head.  Still a hilarious movie, but lacking that Apple pie feel.

The black version: And so enter these proud Americans:  Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence, Danny Glover, James Marsden, Tracy Morgan, Zoe Saldana, Luke Wilson, Regina King…okay stop, stop, stop.  We’d be here all day if I named all the great actors.  The point is, black funerals are crazy enough as is…if you put this many all-star comedians together, the only Death at a Funeral is going to be of laughter.

4) The Princess and the Frog

Original movie: Technically it was called the Frog Prince, but it was still about a Frog and the Princess.  I don’t recall any movies made about the Frog Prince, but it certainly was a popular fairy tale.

The black version: A mildly successful Disney flick moved out of the forest and into the magical swamps of New Orleans.  I haven’t seen it yet, but The Princess and the Frog does inspire that southern comfort feeling.  No not that southern comfort.

Original movie: Kung-Fu theater.  Pretty much anything with Bruce Lee in it was the inspiration for the Last Dragon.  Bruce Lee was one of the greatest martial arts actors of all time and I don’t know anyone in a urban neighborhood that isn’t a fan.

The black version:  Which gives birth to Bruce LeRoy!  Sho’nuff!  I know this isn’t exactly a remake of Enter the Dragon, but the Last Dragon pretty much put a African American spin on the entire kung-fu genre so I’m adding it anyway.  And the soundtrack?  Killer.

2) Bad Boys

Original movie: Bulletproof Hearts.  Most people don’t realize that Bad Boys was written for Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey.  I think I speak for all parties involved when I say, I’m glad this version never got made.

The black version: Will Smith and Martin Lawrence were obviously the more hilarious choices. And the more cop-ish choice.  But considering Bad Boys is my absolute favorite movie of all times, I don’t think I need to elaborate anymore.

So what could be a better black-casting (I just made up a new adjective) than my favorite movie of all times?  Well…

1) The Wiz

Original movie: The Wizard of Oz.  A definite classic.  I can’t speak ill of the Wizard of Oz at all.  But wasn’t it a little juvenile?

The black version: Are you freaking kidding me?  I’m sorry but Judy Garland — as wonderful as she was — don’t got nothing on Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.  The music was phenomenal.  Seriously sick.  Even though the Wiz scared the bejesus out of me when I was younger and I used to have nightmares about those motorcycle riding monkey birds, I still can’t stop easin’ on down the road.

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