Humor District

Television shows have a habit of pairing up a drop dead gorgeous wife with an inattentive, less attractive husband who usually takes his wife for granted. For some reason the smoking hot wives stay with these guys, mostly because they are funny. This staple of the sitcom has bothered me for years. I am funny, where is my lingerie model wife? These are the top 5 mismatched TV couples. Come on, ladies. You can do better.

George Lopez is not in the best shape nor is he the most handsome man in the world. Yet he is the most likely match for a hot wife on this list because he is not super fat and he is a fairly normal guy. Unlike most sitcoms, George is not a wacky guy getting into shenanigans, but rather a fairly normal guy putting up with his family’s shenanigans. He was not too busy guzzling beer to pay attention to his kids and he seemed like a nice guy. Angie Lopez (Constance Marie) was still too hot for him though.

4) Homer Simpson & Marge Simpson – The Simpsons

The Simpsons took the idea of a fat childish oaf paired up with a woman out of his league and ran with it. At least it is a little more believable in a cartoon where everything is supposed to be ridiculous. Maybe that is why it is easier to accept the fact that despite Homer’s many shortcomings Marge still loves him. Family Guy has the same sort of relationship with Peter Griffin and Lois Griffin, and the same thing applies to them. Plus Lois is almost as crazy as Peter in her own way.

3) Jim & Cheryl – According to Jim

Jim (Jim Belushi) is not only fat and slovenly, but also extremely selfish. He really just acts like a jerk all the time to create conflict in the show, and somehow he got married to Cheryl (Courtney Thorne-Smith). While Cheryl makes sure the children are cared for, Jim watches sports, drinks beer, and harasses his neighbors. Jim is basically a jerk. Cheryl somehow manages to put up with Jim’s nonsense, but I think she does it for the kids. How she managed to have kids with Jim on 5 separate occasions I will never know.

2) Doug Heffernan & Carrie Heffernan – The King of Queens

Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) has been married to Carrie Heffernan (Leah Remini) for 9 seasons of The King of Queens. That officially makes Carrie the most patient woman in the world. Doug is also immature to ridiculous extent, which gives Carrie a motherly role to go along with putting up with Doug’s fatness. This is a shame because Carrie is one of the hottest TV wives to grace the screen. She cleans up very nice. Where as Doug is only believable as a competition eater.

1) Ralph Kramden & Alice Kramden – The Honeymooners

Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason) was a blob of a man who was always going off on harebrained schemes to get rich quick. Alice Kramden (Audrey Meadows) would try to be reasonable and let Ralph know he was an idiot. It is usually at this point that the show’s catchphrase is said by Ralph: “One of these days… One of these days… POW! Right in the kisser!” Domestic abuse was funnier back in the day. I blame The Honeymooners for the Fat Husband/Hot Wife trend. Luckily Hollywood seems to be shifting over to Awkward Nerd/Hot Girl so I still have a chance!

A lot of men are intimidated by powerful women and others just find them b*tchy.  If you are the former, I can’t help you.  But if you are the ladder, then these are 5 powerful women sweet and feminine enough to make you still feel like a man.

5) Trinity – The Matrix

Why she’s datable: She’s firm but still oh-so soft.  Physically and emotionally.  She has a deep seeded, unshakable faith, yet she still goes with the flow.  She doesn’t try to force anything to happen.

Why she’s a keeper: She embraces the fact that you are the chosen one.  She doesn’t mind that you have responsibilities to the people.  In fact, she digs that about you.  And most importantly, she’s not jumping up in your face acting like she needs to be the chosen one too.  She is Michelle Obama cool.  And that makes you stronger.

4) Padme – Star Wars

Why she’s datable: Padme Amidala is cultured, but also kind and caring enough to not judge you because you aren’t.  She’d show you things that you never thought you’d see and open you up to new experiences.

Why she’s a keeper: In the words of Ne-Yo, “she’s got her own.”  She a busy and prominent senator, but she is still never too busy to spend a intimate night with her man.  She knows where her priorities are.  And that’s with you.

3) Elizabeth Swann – Pirates of the Carribbean

Why she’s datable: Can you say, lady by day, freak by night?  She’s definitely one of those girls with a controlling father who is just waiting to act out.  You should probably be there when she does.

Why she’s a keeper: She would literally go to the ends of the earth for you and despite all of the temptation she feels from Jack Sparrow, she’s always faithful and moral.  Oh, and she’s cool enough to let you go out and do your duty while she holds it down until you get back.

2) Letty – Fast & Furious

Why she’s datable: She hot, she loves cars, probably willing to watch a bit of sports with you before she gets bored and *ahem* tries to divert your attention.  I’m sure you could take her to a game or some other adrenaline pumping activity and she’d have a blast.

Why she’s a keeper: There are not too many women out there who have mastered the skill of leading a man and yet allowing him to lead.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you haven’t experienced/mastered it yet.  Letty is that strong.

1) Mrs. Smith – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Why she’s datable:  Technically she’s not, because she’s married.  But if you were that lucky Mr. Smith than you would have yourself one smoking hot pretend housewife.  And so what she’s pretending, at least she’s trying.  That’s all that really matters.

Why she’s a keeper: Even though everyone around her was screaming that her man was a bad guy and even after it looked like he tried to kill her (which was a misunderstanding we’ve all been through) she still couldn’t bring herself to kill him.  She knew deep down it was all a mistake.  She loved him.  That’s the kind of woman we’d all be lucky to have.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Nobody can deny the fact that a nice car can make a lasting impression. The same thing applies to the cars we have seen in movies and on television. Some of them just stand out so much they have been ingrained on our collective consciousness. Whether it is because of their special non-standard features, or their outrageous paint jobs, these are the 5 greatest cars to ever grace the screen.

5) The DeLorean – 1982 DeLorean DMC 12

Unlike most of the other cars on this list, the DeLorean is not the fanciest or most expensive vehicle. In all honesty it is not a great car. Fortunately, Back to the Future immortalized the DeLorean as the coolest time machine ever made. Not only does the DeLorean transport you through the ages when you hit 88 mph and comes standard with a flux capacitor, but it has kickass gull-wing doors. I predict gull-wing doors will replace lambo doors very soon. 

4) Black Beauty – 1966 Chrysler Crown Imperial

The Black Beauty is the ride of choice for the under appreciated Green Hornet. While Bruce Lee as Kato was undeniably the most bad ass part of the show, Green Hornet’s ride wasn’t bad at all. The Black Beauty was ultra sleek with it’s all black paint job and green highlights, and the gatling guns and smoke screens made it that much cooler. I for one am looking forward to seeing the new Black Beauty in Seth Rogen’s version of The Green Hornet.

3) KITT – 1982 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am

KITT stands for Knight Industries Two Thousand, and as the large number implies, KITT was a very advanced car. Michael Knight, played by the incomparable David Hasselhoff, teamed up with KITT to stop crime, but we all know KITT ran the show. That’s because KITT had artificial intelligence and a bunch of crazy features including smoke screens, the ability to silence the engine, and being able to drive itself. KITT pretty much stopped crime while Hasselhoff sat around looking pretty, making KITT one of the greatest cars ever.

2) Eleanor – 1967 Ford Mustang Shelby GT500 fastback

Eleanor is from Gone in 60 Seconds with Nicolas Cage as Memphis Raines, and is one of the greatest looking cars of all time. Eleanor is essentially Memphis’s holy grail, and that’s saying a lot considering how much that guy loved cars. He makes a great choice in Eleanor though and saves it for the last heist. It is almost physically painful to watch Eleanor take a beating during Memphis’s getaway, but she will always be remembered.

1)The General Lee – 1969 Dodge Charger

The General Lee is the unmistakable Dodge Charger from the Dukes of Hazzard and is quite possibly the ultimate redneck vehicle, besides a lifted pick-up truck with a tarp used to create a hot tub in its bed. Yes, those actually exist. Even amongst unique vehicles like that, the General sticks out. The General is fast as hell, manages to land insane jumps without ever bending an axle, and has the most memorable paint job on either side of the Mississippi, all adding up to the most memorable car of all time.

Honorable Mention: The Batmobile

Alright, the Batmobile could not be left off this list. The only problem is there are so many different incarnations of the Batmobile, and some are definitely better than others. No matter which Batmobile you prefer, you can most likely think of several different Batmobiles and most of them are pretty bad ass. It is also one of the most easily recognized vehicles ever made, and thus earns itself an honorable mention.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride for these unlucky ladies, but truth be told, if the male heroes had any sense whatsoever, they’d realize that these prime choices would make far better mates then the cover girls they’ve selected.

5) Faith – Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Who she was dumped for: Buffy Summers

Why she wasn’t chosen: We can’t just disregard the fact that Faith went nuts and killed a lot of people.  She can also be very isolated, irritable and unstable at times.

Why she should’ve been chosen: So what she had an affinity for torturing tied up men with sharp objects, some people call that a fetish.  Buffy was always a little bland.  A little too “I can do bad all by myself.”  Faith is accepting of your flaws because the pot can’t call the kettle black.  You’d do a lot more of holding each other up, then with Buffy’s “I got this” attitude.

4) Erika – Underworld

Who she was dumped for: Selene

Why she wasn’t chosen: Erika was just a little too desperate wasn’t she?  Not many men are interested in a woman who completely throws herself out there.  Most prefer to see a little restraint.  A little challenge.  And of course there was her whole, “I want to be queen” attitude that would make you wonder if she was after you or the crown.

Why she should’ve been chosen: She’d love you until it hurt.  Of course she’s into your status, what woman isn’t?  Erika is completely willing to go above and beyond for you and she’s right there!  No need to go chasing after the one woman you can’t have, simply because you can’t have her.  The second you catch her, the fantasy dies and you’re just going to let her go anyway.

3) Storm – X-Men

Who she was dumped for: Jean Grey

Why she wasn’t chosen: Come on, do I really have to say it?

Why she should’ve been chosen: First and most importantly, there isn’t a psychopath deep down inside Storm just waiting to burst out.  Second, she’s not going to be all up in your business trying to read your mind like she’s knows everything.  Storm is chill, and if she’s not, she can make it chill.

2) Annie – Community

Who she was dumped for: Britta

Why she wasn’t chosen: Annie is not the made up blonde with tons of “experience” who flaunts her beauty hoping that someone will notice but then pretends to not like the attention.  And she’s extremely awkward.

Why she should’ve been chosen: She’s also not the self-righteous “independent” woman who think she doesn’t need a man to be happy.  Annie just wants a man to be there for her and take care of her.  She wants security in a frightening world.  She wants a “king.”  You want to be a king right?  Oh, and when she lets her hair down and actually tries (as you see above)…she way hotter than Britta.

1) Velma – Scooby Doo

Who she was dumped for: Daphne

Why she wasn’t chosen: Look at those ugly coke bottles?  Thelma could use some social skills as well, I mean the girl could talk your ear off about stuff that nerds don’t even care about.  And she always had a habit of explaining stuff to people like they are too stupid to see whats right in front of them.

Why she should’ve been chosen: She has a brain.  No one like a brainiac, but no one likes an airhead either.  I’d take an intelligent beauty over a drop dead gorgeous moron any day.  Okay, maybe not any day, but certainly the next day.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Neil Patrick Harris is a tour de force on stage and screen. He is also hilarious and seems like a genuinely nice guy, which makes his acting that much more enjoyable. Here are the best roles Neil Patrick Harris has ever had. 

Neil Patrick Harris voiced the malicious Music Meister in Batman: The Brave and the Bold. His power was his ability to sing so high that his voice hypnotized people and made them dance. Yes, it is a ridiculous premise, but Neil Patrick Harris played the role perfectly. His years of acting in Broadway musicals led up to this point in his career, and it must be said that Neil Patrick Harris has a beautiful singing voice, even if it is being used for evil. Unfortunately he couldn’t hold up against Batman, but he remains one of the more memorable villains that Batman has faced off against.

This is the role that kick-started Neil Patrick Harris’ career. Harris played a child genius who decided that being a surgeon was way better than hanging out at the mall with friends. A little known fact is that Neil Patrick Harris didn’t even have to act for that role, he really was a child genius who knew how to replace heart valves. OK, I made that up, but Harris did a great job playing the smart role while still remaining a lovable child. It was that kind of performance that made him a household name and opened up many doors in his career.

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog was an online show made by Joss Whedon. It was much funnier than most shows you’ll see on TV and gave Neil Patrick Harris another chance to showcase his singing voice. Neil Patrick Harris is absolutely hilarious as Dr. Horrible, an evil scientist who makes death rays to try and kill Captain Hammer. This is mostly because Dr. Horrible is in love with Penny, who is going out with Captain Hammer. It is a very messy love triangle involving mass acts of destruction and a lovely score.

How I Met Your Mother features Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson, an extreme womanizer. This is slightly ironic cosnidering that in real life Neil Patrick Harris is gay. This does not make him any less awesome, and watching his various techniques to pick up women is truly inspiring. Out of all the roles he plays, I enjoy Neil Patrick Harris the most as the party animal type who goes out and has fun. As Barney Stinson he is also full of scathing one-liners which make How I Met Your Mother a more entertaining show.

As I said, I like Neil Patrick Harris’ party animal roles the best. There is no bigger party animal than Neil Patrick Harris being Neil Patrick Harris. Whether he is hallucinating about unicorns, getting shot at by prostitutes, or humping a car seat, Neil Patrick Harris is absolutely hilarious. Nothing compares to his performance where he talks about eating muff burgers and steals Harold’s car. This is quite possibly his best role, not because it is deep and meaningful or anything, but because it always makes me laugh. Neil Patrick Harris knows how to entertain.

I am secure enough in my masculinity to admit that I have been watching Cougar Town. It is surprisingly entertaining, and has given me a new found appreciation for that special breed of woman who has aged like a fine wine. In honor of Cougar Town I present to you this list of the 5 hottest cougars you will see on TV today.

Laurine Stamile plays a professor who dates Joel McHale’s character Jeff in community, but you lady readers will probably remember her better as Nurse Rose on Grey’s Anatomy. Yes, she is attractive enough to have been with McDreamy. Her role as Professor Slater on Community is what has really solidified her cougar position though. She definitely gives off the hot librarian vibe, even without wearing glasses. Plus it is as American as apple pie to lust after hot teachers, so there’s no way Lauren Stamile could have been left off this list.

Julie Bowen plays Claire Dunphy on Modern Family and is one sexy mama. She is 39 years old, but her looks have not diminished with age. What makes Julie Bowen special in the cougar world is that she doesn’t have to put on ridiculous amounts of make-up and wear tight fitting short dresses to look good. She can throw on jeans and a t-shirt and still be one of the sexiest women on TV. I would still enjoy seeing her in a tight low-cut dress though.

Sofia Vergara is the second lady from Modern Family to end up on this list. That should be reason enough for you to start watching Modern Family if you aren’t already. She is very well endowed in the chest department, which is something some guys like, but what moves her up this list is her accent and fiery nature. She is all unpredictable and exotic, and accents are sexy. It probably helps that she is married to a fat old guy on Modern Family, because in some ways that makes it feel like we normal guys have a chance.

Eva Longoria most likely needs no introduction, but for those of you who have been living under a rock, she is on Desperate Housewives. She is also married to NBA player Tony Parker and is a model at age 34. She has been the poster girl for ABC for several years now, because if her picture is put on a product it immediately catches guys’ interest. It is a testament to her hotness that no guy has seen Desperate Housewives, but every guy knows exactly who Eva Longoria is.

Of course Courteney Cox is number one, I even said Cougar Town was the inspiration for this list in the first paragraph. I don’t know how she is 45 years old and is still smoking hot. I am hard pressed to think of another actress who has aged as gracefully as she has and doesn’t look like she is made out of plastic. Not only is she extremely attractive in Cougar Town, but also quite funny. Basically the point is that Courteney Cox is the complete package at 45, and that is why she is number one on the list.

It is well known that many schools, due to a lack of funding, have had to cut back on their art departments. As a result, many young people today don’t have the benefit of learning about music in school. That is why it is so great to see Community, a show about people attending community college, have such an emphasis on music. OK, so maybe Community doesn’t have much of an educational emphasis, but it has had some very memorable musical moments.

Every guy loves a bad girl, but these five movie villains won’t just leave you broken-hearted, they will stop your heart completely.  And they are so sexy, you’ll never see it coming.  But your mother did, and here’s how she would describe them (as well as a little man to man advice).

What mom would say: “You gonna catch something from that slut.”

Why you should listen: And that something — most likely a dagger — is going to end life as you know it.  You think she’s innocent and you think you can handle it, but in that instant she’s got you.  And you’re going to suffer.  Though it’s not personal, it’s just business.

Why you won’t listen: If you’ve got to go, go with a smile.  And we all think we’re invincible right?  Yup, all the way to the grave.

What mom would say: “You better wear your thermals sleeping next to that frigid feminist.”

Why you should listen: This woman has one goal and that’s to destroy man without the slightest hesitation.  Somewhere along the line she was programed to believe that we are the enemy and nothing you can do will change that.  And it’s just no fun getting all warm and cozy with an robotic icebox.

Why you won’t listen: She hates you, and that’s sexy.  The only time the T-X shows an ounce of emotion is when she’s trying to kill you and that makes you think she’s into you.  Any woman you can make “passionate” one way, you can make her go the other way too right?  Wrong.  She just hates you dude.

What mom would say: “That diva just keeps singing her own song, when do you get a turn?”

Why you should listen: The difference between her and Plaster of Paris is that Paris will at least pretend you matter.  The temptress must be the center of attention at all times.  And she wasn’t just eating you, she’s eating everyone.  Why?  For the attention of course.  The more the merrier with her and emasculating for you.

Why you won’t listen: Conquest is it’s own prize.  There is nothing like taming a shrew is there?  The problem is you can’t change a blood sucking demon back into a human.  So if you clip her fangs, you’re only going to piss her off.

What mom would say: “Does Miss Clingy ever let you breath?”

Why you should listen: She may pamper you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, but it’s all to soften you up for the gut check reality that she’s going to have your baby whether you want to or not.  There is no breaking up with this girl.  She will have your head.

Why you won’t listen: She makes you feel important.  Make you feel desired and wanted, and that’s great right?  Sure it is, until you feel trapped.

What mom would say: “She hates her ex too much to love you.”

Why you should listen: It’s the circle of love.  Some guy manipulated her so he could stab her in the heart and now she’s coming to rips yours out too because she believes “it’s just part of the game.”  It’s not.  She’s just never going to shake the demons that her previous lover put inside her.  The innocent girl you could have been happy with is dead.  Yet…

Why you won’t listen: You think you can fix her.  You believe you can exercise those demons and save her.  Show her how to be strong and love hard.  But even if you do, you’re soul isn’t going to come back completely clean either.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Shows like Jersey Shore and American Idol dominate television these days, and there are a plethora of other reality shows with loyal followings. It does not seem like there is an end in sight for this trend, despite many people complaining about the lowbrow nature of reality television. The only solution to this is to come up with our own ideas for reality shows, which I have done. Expect to see these programs air around 2012.

We all know how competitive board games can get when we are playing with family and friends. Now imagine if you were playing for money. Possibly even a lot of money. What would you do to win? Picture This would follow duos of professional Pictionary players as they all try and win the World Series of Pictionary. Also, we would invent the World Series of Pictionary. As teams advance through the rounds we will see stress develop as Ashley realizes James can only draw stick figures, and Peter’s repeated guesses of “it’s a Jackal” lead Lois to alcoholism.

Cops was one of the first reality shows to gain a following and other shows have taken the law enforcement route to feed off of that popularity. One of the most recent examples of this is Campus PD, a reality show where the police from college campuses around the United States try to explain why they are real cops. The next logical step down the authority chain is to move from Campus PD to Ski Patrol. Here we will learn about people who dropped out of college to live on the slopes, yell at people to slow down, and the resulting depression when nobody listens to them. How will Molly cope with being the only female member of the Ski Patrol. Will Marcus abuse his authority and ski the back trails all day? Drama!

MTV knows how to milk its reality shows for all they are worth. As a result we will be seeing the old cast of Jersey Shore competing in various contests against the casts of Real World and Road Rules. Yes, this would be 2 on 1 because it is a well known fact that Guidos have the strength of ten men and Ronnie has the strength of ten Guidos. We will watch as these men and women compete in humiliating challenges such as dressing up like Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots and mud wrestling. We won’t be able to look away as the last of their dignity is peeled back by MTV. That will because the girls will wear bikinis at all times.

Homeless people from around the country will be brought into a house and cleaned up. They get to live in the house for 6 months and are given resources to try and find a job. At the end of the show, whichever homeless person is the most successful gets to stay in the house for another year! This will be one of those truly inspiring shows, like Pimp My Ride. The season finale is sure to be a tearjerker as the homeless guys who didn’t win realize that nobody wants to give money to a clean shaven guy with a suit and a nice haircut standing on the side of the road with a sign.

This show could also be Colorado Casanova or Charleston Casanova, depending on where the filming is done. 8 self-proclaimed pick-up artists would all be moved into the same house. All reality shows have to have people living in a single house to raise tension and create drama, especially when two of these guys try to pick up the same girl. Every night the guys go out into the city and try to get as many phone numbers as possible. Each week the guy with the least phone numbers is eliminated until a champion is born. Memorable lines from this show will include:
Later on tonight, I’m going to be so deep inside you the guy who pulls me out will become the King of England.
My love is like diarrhea, I just can’t keep it in.
You may not be the prettiest girl in the room, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Dr. Christian Troy from the TV show Nip/Tuck is one of the most sex driven men around. He is reported to have slept with 209 of the finest coeds at the University of Miami, and that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to his sexual conquests. Just because he wears nice suits and bangs nice women doesn’t mean he is a nice guy, as you will soon find out.

Christian had first met Darlene Lowell back when he was young and she was fit. He actually ended up having a daughter with her which he didn’t find out about until many years after. When this daughter comes seeking Christian, Darlene follows and they reunite. To put it simply, Darlene did not age well. She has definitely aged since the last time Christian saw her, but the main difference is the lack of legs. She lost both of her legs to diabetes. This would rank higher on the shameful list, but Christian sleeps with her after she breaks down about how unattractive she is now that she is old and legless, proving that he does have a heart. It’s just well hidden by his dick.

Dr. Christian Troy met Gina Russo at a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting. Christian Troy at a Sexaholics meeting is like having a lion at the crippled zebra convention, it won’t end well. Predictably, he sexes Gina up soon after. It could be considered shameful enough that he picked her up at a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting, but he last encounter with her is worse. At this point it is revealed that Gina has AIDs and a love/hate relationship with Christian. They talk on the roof of a building, she hands him a condom, and they go at it. The one of Christian’s thrusts pushes her off the building to her death in the form of gravity meeting a sidewalk. Not a good way to end a date, Christian.

The first bad part about Dr. Christian Troy’s encounter with Ava Moore was the fact that she was sleeping with Troy’s biological son, Matt. No, not at the same time. Even Christian Troy draws the line somewhere. You’d think it would be bad enough that Christian Troy slept with his son’s girlfriend, but it doesn’t end there. He uses his years of plastic surgery expertise to discover that Ava Moore is in fact a transsexual, as in she used to be a he. This happens as he is inside her. For those of you wondering, no, he does not finish.

Abby Mays was a woman who came into McNamara/Troy for some routine liposuction and beautification. She was not very attractive, to say the least. Does this fact stop Dr. Christian Troy from having his way with her? Hell no it doesn’t. He just decides to make her wear a bag over her head so he doesn’t have to look at her. That’s low even for him. The worse part is when she shows up for round two with the bag in her hand, ready to go. Of course Christian Troy doesn’t turn her down, and it comes back to haunt him.

1) Liz Cruz

This is quite possibly the most despicable act ever performed by Dr. Christian Troy. When Christian found out that he had breast cancer he turned to his longtime lesbian friend Liz for support. Since she has a soul, she takes care of him during his chemotherapy. Since she has a vagina, she sleeps with him. Christian even ends up proposing to her when he finds out that he only has 6 months to live and everything looks like it will be hunky dory. Then Christian finds out that his chart was mixed up with another and he is in fact healthy. He then proceeds to dump Liz, his friend who cared for him and whom he banged repeatedly. That’s just messed up, even for him.

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