Humor District

BBC’s Planet Earth is a truly awe inspiring show. A lot of that is because of the narrators, David Attenborough, Sigourney Weaver, and Mike Rowe. The next narrator of Planet Earth is none other than Oprah Winfrey, rounding out a star studded cast. Who else has the kind of voice to narrate the majestic wonders of the world around us? Here are my top picks.

LaFontaine passed away in 2008, which makes it impossible for him to be a future narrator. This is a shame because LaFontaine had a voice that could make anything sound epic. If you have seen a movie preview than you have probably heard LaFontaine’s voice. His deep voice cuts through everything and immediately grabs attention, the only problem I could foresee is LaFontaine’s voice stealing attention from the visual aspects of the show.

Speaking of deep voices, nobody has James Earl Jones beat. Yes, I would like to see Darth Vader narrating Planet Earth. Again, James Earl Jones has the deep voice that simply commands attention. His rumbling voice would be perfect for describing volcanic eruptions and violent earthquakes along with the gentler side of nature. Like bunnies eating grass or something. As long as the voice of Darth Vader was describing it, anything could sound interesting.

David Duchovny has one of the most unique voices around. It is soothing and relaxes everyone within earshot. Even during tense moments he always sounds calm and authoritative, a perfect combination for an educational show like Planet Earth. Duchovny also has the type of voice that allows him to speak quietly yet still be heard clearly. That kind of voice is perfect for describing waterfalls and other natural wonders, plus David Duchovny is just an all around awesome guy.

Having Kris Kristofferson narrate Planet Earth would be like listening to your grandfather tell you stories about how the world works. Somehow Kristofferson just manages to sound wise, oftentimes with a little bit of crankiness added in, and spending half an hour listening to him speak is sure to make you feel smarter. Every episode of Planet Earth would become a life lesson from Grandpa Kristofferson on the circle of life. I also feel like Kristofferson is the kind of guy who has little insights on the world we live in, another plus for him as a narrator.

Morgan Freeman is a rare man. He could talk about dirt and make it interesting, which I’m sure would come in very handy during the “Soils of the World” episode of Planet Earth. I defy anyone to listen to Morgan Freeman speak and not become hypnotized by his words. Before I said David Duchovny’s voice was soothing, but if that holds true than Morgan Freeman’s voice is practically a tranquilizer it is so calming. Morgan Freeman also has experience narrating nature programs since he spoke about penguins in length in March of the Penguins. In the end there is no better choice for a narrator than Morgan Freeman, whether he is talking about the world or paint drying.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Since we are right around the Pro-Bowl and the NBA All-Star announcements, it seems like as good a time as any to announce the all hero team of 2010 (consisting of movies released in 2009).  These are the big screen heroes who shined the brightest at their positions as well as those who just barely missed the cut.

1) Best Vigilante – Dominic Torretto (Fast & Furious)

If there was any hero in 2009 who played by his own rules, it was definitely Dom.  He robbed oil trucks, “cheated” in street racing and questioned underlings by hanging them out a window.  And all this for the tragic purpose of avenging the death of his one true love.

Reserves: Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Bryan Mills (Taken), Lt. Aldo Raine (Inglorious Basterds)

2) Best Lawman/Soldier – Optimus Prime (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)

Look he lead a army didn’t he?  That makes him a soldier whether he’s human or not.  And who had a better military campaign than Optimus Prime in 2009?  His fight in the woods was by far the best action sequence of the year.  He even kicked death’s ass.

Reserves: Duke (G.I. Joe), John Connors (Terminator Salvation), Jake Sully (Avatar)

3) Best Boyish Hero – Larry Daley (Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian)

Larry is hardly a boy, but certainly boyish.  I mean his best friends are talking action figures for crying out loud.  Even though it was a sequel Larry came from the dimmest place.  I mean yea, he was rich, but he certainly seemed pathetic selling crazy glow-in-the dark flashlights and losing the respect of his son when he knows deep down he’d rather be doing what he loves.  He was trapped under the thumb of society.  If that’s not boyish, I don’t know what is.

Reserves: Sam Witwicky (Transformers), Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince), Ginormica (Monster vs. Aliens)

4) Best Damsel – Kim Mills (Taken)

Kim is probably the only true damsel on this list.  After all she did absolutely nothing to help herself.  In fact, she even went out of her way — out of the country — to make it happen despite her father’s many warnings.  And even after her rescue, she learned nothing, electing to ride off with her enabling mother and step-father leaving her father to hold to bag, which almost guarantees it’s going to happen again.  That’s a true damsel.

Reserves: Mikaela Banes (Transformers), Brandi (Observe & Report), Bella Swan (Twilight: New Moon)

5) Best Romeo – Sherlock Homes (Sherlock Holmes)

Sherlock has that playboy swagger, whether or not it works on every girl — which it usually does, it’s just that some girls know it’s working — it’s still magic.  And of course inversely, he doesn’t seem to be phased one bit when they resist him.  That’s the mark of a true Romeo.

Reserves: Lucian (Underworld: Rise of the Lycans), Derek Charles (Obsessed), Brian O’Conner (Fast & Furious)

And now that we know the players, next up comes the winners of the awards of best hero and villain of 2009 as well as a few other awards!

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

Once upon a time Hip-Hop culture and the police went together about as well as Conan O’Brien and NBC.  You could get shot just for breathing the word “cop” in certain neighborhoods.  But lately a lot of rappers have traded in their gang paraphernalia (or costuming depending on who you ask) to don the uniforms of true blue heroes.  These are the best portrayal of 5-0 by a rapper.

5) Tupac Shakur

We are starting off cautiously with Tupac Shakur (2 Pac to the Hip-Hop community) since he straddles the fence by playing a corrupt cop in Gang Related, which might as well be a gangsta with a badge.  This was Tupac’s last film role and boy did he go out with a bang (no pun intended, respect Tupac).  You could think of Tupac as the last person who’d want to pretend to be a cop or you could think of his earlier rap career and his many run ins with the law as extensive research.

Best Cop role: Gang Related

4) Marky Mary

Mark Wahlberg has become quite accustomed to wearing the badge.  He’s sported blue in everything from the god-awful Max Payne adaptation to We Own the Night to the critically acclaimed Departed.  But let’s face it, he wasn’t exactly a rough and rugged badboy rapper to begin with.  In fact, playing hard-nosed cops probably increased his street cred.  I know I’d be more afraid of Staff Sgt. Dignam than the boy who desperately needs a belt.

Best Cop role: The Departed

3) LL Cool J

He has a long resume of playing cops, The Hard Way, S.W.A.T., Mindhunters and even the security guard in Halloween: H2O.  But when you are a jacked badass trying to prove yourself as an actor I guess you have to play cops or criminals.  Or cooks apparently.  The best of his demonstration in Law Enforcement is definitely his role opposite Robin Chris O’Donnell in NCIS: Los Angeles.  Though again, LL wasn’t the most threatening rapper outside a battle, so the transition goes a lot smoother than most.

Best Cop role: NCIS: Los Angeles

2) Ice T

Ice T was great as a maverick cop in New Jack City, but somehow he seems more like a perp than a detective in Law & Order: SVU.  I love the show and I love his role on the show, but it’s hard to shake his pimpin’ image from your brain and suspend disbelief that much, especially when he still behaves like a pimp off camera.

Best Cop role: Law & Order: SVU

1) Fresh Prince/Will Smith

I don’t think there are many roles he hasn’t played, but he sure likes being a cop.  His back story is a detective in Men In Black, he plays a cowboy sheriff in Wild Wild West, a future cop in I, Robot, and a buddy cop in Bad Boys.  It’s pretty safe to say that if Will Smith is on the case it’s going to get solved.

Best Cop role: Bad Boys

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 3% [?]

Popularity: 19% [?]

5) Trouble Comes in Twos

MacGyver’s solutions to problems are not always as complex as turning a pencil, a rubber band, and a paperclip into a helicopter. In the episode “Blow Out”, MacGyver discovers that there is a bomb in a car disguised as a mail truck. Normally this is no problem for MacGyver, he sees a bomb and he can disarm just as the countdown reaches zero. Unfortunately this bomb was too complicated for even MacGyver to disarm. Or maybe he just really wanted a challenge. MacGyver ends up driving the fake mail truck until he sees a cement mixer, and then proceeds to fill the mail truck with cement, thereby muffling the blast. When asked what he would have done if that idea hadn’t worked MacGyver replies that he would have gone to Plan B. And what was Plan B? “I don’t know. Plan A worked.”

3) Keep It Simple Stupid

In the episode “Phoenix Siege”, MacGyver is simply trying to go to a hockey game with his beloved grandfather. Of course MacGyver has to forget the tickets and go by the Phoenix Foundation to pick them. This is where we learn MacGyver has the luck of John McLane and runs into a terrorist plot. MacGyver gets captured, but nobody can hold him for long and he quickly makes his escape and knocks out one of the terrorist goons. He doesn’t want this terrorist to have his hands free when he wakes up so he quickly cuts a length of lampcord and ties up the terrorist’s hands. That is when MacGyver looks down and sees the pair of handcuffs hanging from the terrorist’s pants. It’s OK MacGyver, nobody’s perfect.

2) Your Reputation Proceeds You

In the episode “Humanity”, MacGyver finds himself in quite the sticky situation. He is locked in a building with a firebomb, scared people, and his friend Pete. MacGyver scrambles to see what random crap he can use to create an escape device. After he spots a telephone, MacGyver gets an idea and says to a man, “Microphone”. This man, who is not familiar with the genius that is MacGyver, simply stands around looking dumb and confused. Luckily Pete, who is quite familiar with what MacGyver is capable of, is there to tell the man to get MacGyver the damn microphone.

1) Bond. James Bond

It is not often the MacGyver wears suits, he is more of a jeans and flannel shirt type of guy. In “The Heist” however, MacGyver decides to go the extra mile and put on a tuxedo. Of course he has to look in the mirror when he does this and pose, referring to himself as “James Bond”. MacGyver then realizes that his poofy mullet doesn’t exactly fit the James Bond image. MacGyver attacks his hair with a vengeance trying to smooth it out and give him more of a secret agent appearance, but we learn that not even the Mighty MacGyver can tame the mullet.

Popularity: 8% [?]

Much like I watch Planet Earth to learn about endangered pandas, I watch Jersey Shore to learn about the elusive Guido. They are a species of their own, with large frosted tipped plumage, and strange mating rituals. They are also very territorial and shows of dominance are common. The point I’m trying to get across here is that Jersey Shore is a very educational show. The Guido lifestyle is very nuanced and there are certain rules they follow that most of us know nothing about, even after seeing “My New Haircut”.

I think there is a gene every person has that makes it impossible for them to look away from a train wreck, whether it is literal or metaphorical. That is the basic premise upon which all reality television is based off of. MTV has really taken this concept and ran with it with the series The Real World. Jersey Shore takes all of those Real World elements and adds in a volatile group of people in the form of Guidos, who aren’t exactly known for their empathy and diplomatic skills. Lots of people yell at each other and there are constantly egos colliding. The drama between people is non-stop from episode to episode, these people are ridiculous.

For those of you unschooled in the ways of the Guido, GTL stands for Gym Tan Laundry, the schedule for every Guido’s day. This is one of the deepest insights that Jersey Shore provides on the Guido lifestyle. Essentially everybody in the house is extremely materialistic and proud of it. The number one priority for every person on Jersey Shore is looking good and being the center of attention. The amount of effort these people put into their physical appearance is truly amazing. Their self centered attitude is what makes the show work, empathy has no place here.

Let’s get this out in the open, Mike AKA The Situation is a dick. He is a big time dick. At the same time he is hilarious. He is the kind of guy who has a comeback to everything anybody says, and often times that comeback is widely inappropriate. I think my favorite line in the show has been when Snooki asked for a roll and Mike told her she had enough already. That is when things at the table got awkward and I could not stop laughing. Mike is the kind of guy who is hilarious until you actually have to hang out with him, luckily my TV screen doesn’t let him through.

From the very first episode Snooki has been the definition of a train wreck. As I mentioned previously, for some reason we can’t look away from a train wreck. From the first night Snooki was the sloppiest of all the roommates. It doesn’t help that she prompted the drinking and she is only slightly larger than a chihuahua. That is just a bad combination. The end result was a passed out Snooki who got left at home when everybody else went out. She also resembles a chihuahua in the fact that she yaps constantly. That bulldog mouth was not backed up by her puppy body which earned her a punch in the mouth in one episode. I in no way condone violence against women, but I couldn’t look away. There are those train wrecks.

Popularity: 1% [?]

So I watched Human Target last night and you know, I felt a spark.  Mark Valley — who was long overdue for a starring role as an action hero — showed just enough charm and personality to be unique, even though his character is just another super cop.  Now I’m not saying that Human Target and I are destine to be together because it didn’t knock my socks off and it certainly wasn’t love at first sight, but I’d be open to a second episode.  I’ll call.  And I’m not just saying that.

But it did get me thinking, I wonder who the best super agents are on TV right now?  The men and women who’s pay grade goes above dealing with the common crazies in common ways.  Does newcomer Christopher Chance even make the list?  Only one way to find out.

5) Myka Bering & Peter Lattimer (Warehouse 13)

Area of expertise: A pair of secret service agents who investigate paranormal activity caused by powerful artifacts.

Guard the President?  Any Joe-Schmo off the street can do that.  Guard a warehouse full of creepy and sometimes pointless artifact and you’d have to call on a Myka Bering and Peter Lattimer.  These agents don’t always face world ending danger, but they do get to play with gadgets that would make James Bond jealous, which takes some pretty high clearance.

4) Olivia Dunham (Fringe)

Area of expertise: An FBI agent who investigates the worlds unexplained phenomenons.

Technically Olivia Dunham is just an FBI agent, but that’s what makes her even more super of an agent.  Out of the hundreds of FBI agents, she’s the one the Fringe Division recruited.  There was a time when everyone knew the answer to the simple question, “when their something strange, in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?”  But with Olivia on the job…I’d think twice about that life line.

3) Christopher Chance (Human Target)

Area of expertise: A bodyguard and security expert who protects his clients by using them as bait.

You have to have some kind of ego to believe you can protect anybody, anywhere so much that you put your clients in the line of fire.  After all, if they get killed, you don’t get paid.  But Christopher Chance is that cocky and that good.  The perfect ingredients for any super agent.

2) Jack Bauer (24)

Area of expertise: A counter terror agent specializing in thwarting domestic Armageddons.

Jack Bauer is a one man wrecking crew that I’d want on the case, but only as a last resort.  He’d use C4 to redecorate the walls.  And it’s obvious that the United States government feels the same way considering that he’s only worked 8 days in the last couple of years.

1) Michael Weston (Burn Notice)

Area of expertise: A covert operative burned from the CIA now working local crimes in Miami too complex for police.

Michael Weston is the ultimate everyday super spy.  And he’ll even work pro bono if you’re in enough trouble.  You can’t beat a top of the line private protector off the clearance rack.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Darkwing Duck was a groundbreaking series for Disney. It was the first series that had extended fight scenes, for one, but most importantly it set the bar for blatant parodies everywhere. Darkwing Duck is a mix of Batman, The Shadow, and, of course, a duck. Who knew this would become a potent concoction of crime-fighting? Pretty much everything that comes out of Darkwing Duck’s mouth is hackneyed expression similar to something Batman has growled at some point in time. It’s just much more entertaining when a duck is saying it.

It seems that Disney is psychic, predicting the overwhelming number of gritty reboots we have flooding theaters these days. They got a head start on the jokes back in 1991 by having Darkwing Duck take himself way too seriously. Stopping the criminal element in St. Canard was no laughing matter to Darkwing. That and Darkwing liked news articles about how awesome he was. He was also fiercely independent, or at least he tried to be until Launchpad McQuack and Gosalyn Mallard entered the picture. The serious nature, at least for the newspapers, of Darkwing played out against the ridiculous setting of St. Canard made for comedy gold.

Source: Sandra’s Art Gallery

While Darkwing Duck began as a solo crimefighter, he took the Batman path and quickly found himself surrounded by sidekicks. The first sidekick was a very enthusiastic pilot with the appropriate name of Launchpad McQuack. He was such a good pilot that sometimes the planes he flew didn’t crash. The next addition became Darkwing’s “ward” in a sense. Little orphan Gosalyn Mallard got picked up to join the gang and her youthful energy provided a sharp contrast to Darkwing’s brooding nature. In other words she bugged the hell out of him most of the time. Of course we couldn’t leave out Honker Muddlefoot, the resident child genius whose inventions often cause accidental destruction. Darkwing tried to maintain his independence, but this extended family of his made everything better.

When it gets down to it, the true measure of the hero is whether or not they save the day in the end. Sure, we applaud those that try and fail, but they are quickly forgotten. Darkwing Duck provided some great moments where he used a mixture of luck, wits, and deus ex machina to get out of hairy situations. Not to mention the numerous times Launchpad and Gosalyn saved his fiercely independent tail feathers. What really sums up Darkwing are his fights against Negaduck. Negaduck was a parallel universe Darkwing Duck, and thus completely opposite from him. That made Negaduck pure evil, which in itself speaks to Darkwing’s heroic fortitude. It was always Darkwing Duck who came out on top in the end, keeping St. Canard safe for another day.

My favorite part about Darkwing Duck were his metaphors for how scary he believed he was. They all started the same with “I am the terror that flaps in the night” and continued on. Here are some of the best:
I am the termite that devours your floorboards
I am the raspberry seed you can’t floss out
I am the itch you cannot reach
I am the hairball that clogs your drains
I am the smoke that smokes Smoked Oysters
I am the ten dollar service charge on all returned checks
and the all time best: “I am the low ratings that cancel your program”

Popularity: 22% [?]

Let’s get this out of the way. Yvonne Strahovski is really really really ridiculously good looking. Not only that but as Sarah Walker she is a bad ass super spy who could kill you in thousands of different ways, hundreds of them even being enjoyable. Of course the producers know this and add in the gratuitous bikini/lingerie scenes every now and again to make sure the male demographic keeps paying attention. There is also a romantic tension between Chuck (Zachary Levi) and Sarah Walker to keep the ladies interested. I think it is safe to say that as long as Yvonne Strahovski stays on Chuck, I’ll keep watching.

Sponsored: Megan Fox at the Jonah Hex Premiere

When we featured the Jonah Hex teazer trailer it was right around the time Iron Man 2 was due to be released. To be honest we all gave it some airtime only for one person. Yup Megan Fox, it seems if you don’t have confidence your movie will make bank get Megan Fox on board.

We can’t blame them however.

These days being a nerd doesn’t carry the social stigma that it used to, and many of us carry the title with pride. Maybe that’s why the idea of an underachieving technical support guy becoming an operative for the US government is so appealing. I like the idea of a guy who is good on computers and if given the option would spend most of his time on the couch is in actuality the most potent weapon the government has. Whether he is taking on a Spanish assassins or German Terrorists, Chuck always manages to use his tech savvy and various other knowledge to somehow save the day.

The action in Chuck is actually fairly exciting. We get to see Yvonne Strahovski do high kicks, Adam Baldwin shoot ridiculously large guns and Chuck get captured by the enemy. The stunts are well coordinated and the special effects are believable, except for some of the large explosions. Considering this is a comedy about a nerd turned spy, the action scenes are surprisingly gripping and fit into the episodes well without being overdone. Now that Chuck has the knowledge of various martial arts in his mind we can expect even more ass kicking in every episode, intentional or not.

The storyline of Chuck has gotten more and more intriguing as the series has gone on. In the beginning Chuck was a fairly standard spy show with the US government stopping various evil plots by nefarious villains from foreign countries. As time has gone by we have been introduced to other semi-friendly spies, rogue agents and an insidious secret organization. The plot has subtly gotten more and more complex without becoming too confusing like some other shows. I’m looking at you, Lost. While it might take some background information to get a new viewer up to speed, it doesn’t take all the previous episodes to understand what’s going on. I’d recommend a new viewer watch the old episodes though, just because they are entertaining.

Chuck is one of the funniest shows on TV. Sure Two and Half Men might be the highest rated comedy with their little fat kid and laugh track, but Chuck is the show I can find myself laughing at even when I’m watching it alone. It doesn’t have elaborate setups for jokes or anything, but the dialogue flows so smoothly and naturally that it feels like the kind of jokes I’d tell with my friends. My friends and I are hilarious in case you were wondering. Chuck is always ready with a sarcastic quip to deal with the stress of being an untrained spy defending his country, while at the same time hiding his spy knowledge from his friends, coworkers, and family. It kind of reminds me of Spider-Man, always ready with a joke to deal with stress, providing us with hours of entertainment.

Popularity: 30% [?]

I always say, go big or go home.  So if the studios are thinking about ruining the Spider-Man franchise by casting the weaselly, whiny, emo vampire dude from the Twilight Series Robert Pattinson (yes I know it’s just a rumor), they might as well completely and utterly sabotage Spider-Man so that no one will even think of rebooting, remaking, remixing or redecorating this franchise again.  So let’s kick it up a Joel-Schumacher-notch with 5 other way they could ruin Marvel’s Spider-Man franchise.

5) He could shoot the webbing out of his ass

You want it to be scientifically accurate right?  What are you going to say to the children that watch Nat-Geo who ask why Spider-Man shoots his web from his wrists?  I mean, in the comic book the webbing is made in a lab and loaded into cartridge shooters.  Problem solved.  But in the movie he had natural web coming out of his hands.  Weird.  Which leads us to…

4) He could have a butt-out costumes

You know that old school thermal underwear with the flap in the back?  Spider-Man’s suit could be made like that for easy web slinging action.  Hey, if Batman can have nipples and a codpiece, Spider-Man can show-off his butt.  It’s only fair.

3) They could highlight a Peter and Harry bromance

Bromances are all the rage.  Forget Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy.  Let’s explore the relationship of Peter Parker and Harry Osborn.  It’s high school after all.  Nobody bats an eye when you stand up a few cheerleaders, but bail on your best friend and the drama hits the fan.  Bro’s before ho’s man!

2) Make Peter Parker a paparazzi

Let’s face it, no one under the age of 40 is going around shooting photos for a newspaper anymore.  This is the digital age!  The gossip blog era!  Somewhere someone attached to this project is thinking about having Parker step into the 21st century.  Wouldn’t Spider-Man be the ultimate tabloid fodder?  Or did Hancock fall on that grenade already?

1) Make it all dark and gritty

Let’s…get…serious.  Not the same effect as the Joker’s line huh?  Well, maybe Parker’s parents abused him and that’s why he lives with his aunt and uncle (seriously, has no one wondered what the hell happened to his parents or why his aunt and uncle look a lot more like his grandparents?).  Maybe he’s a tortured goth kid that fights crime so he doesn’t go all trench-coat on his school with an AK-47 because he got one too many swirlies.  Strip away all the light-hearted comedy and smart-alecky quips that made Spider-Man so lovable and make him grittier and new age, that will surely ruin the franchise!  What’s that? Oh…

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 6% [?]