Humor District

Spike Jonze has come along way from his skateboard video days. He’s done it all from music videos for top artists (Beastie Boys, REM, Fatboy Slim, Tenacious D and more) to top major big screen releases – Adaptation, Being John Malkovich, Three Kings and Jackass 1&2. Not many though know that he’s done a whole host of commercials as well. (IMDb Profile)

Every single ad he’s worked on has had that distinctive Jonze style to them, a certain uneasiness to it. We could just put this out as a “everyone’s a winner” but award season is coming up so there does have to be a #1, so lets get right into it and start off with the ads that didn’t quite make it, but need a mention.

Honorable Mentions

Miller Auditions – Penguin (Other Miller Audition Ads): The Animal Audition ads were a clever and funny way for Miller to take a pot shot at Budweiser by using their animals to audition for a parts in a Miller ad. All are superbly done.

Levi’s Commercial – Tainted Love: Typical Jonze black humor to it, but it just doesn’t have that killer edge.

#5 Adidas

The only Jonze Ad on the list that’s had any airtime worldwide. To me it feels like Spike’s taken certain elements from Being John Malkovitch. But hey, I’ve been wrong before.

Visualy it’s a masterpiece but sadly this little number loses on annoyance.

Music: Composed by Squeak E. Clean and featuring Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (via).

#4 GAP – Pardon Our Dust

The tagline read: “Pardon our dust, the all-new GAP is coming.” It only ran for a couple of months in a few cities around the States, those with GAP stores going through renovation (link). It’s a real pity, it’s a classic which deserved to be drilled into those lucky city resident’s skulls, rerun after rerun.

#3 Buddy Lee Dungarees – Hall Of Mirrors

Buddy Lee Dungarees commercials played off the Buddy Movie roles. Think Bad Boys, with Lawrence swapped out with the Buddy Lee Mascot Baby.

There were a number of Buddy Lee commercials, but none of them stood out as much as the Hall of Mirrors. It never would have made it to #3 if it never had “the X factor”, X = Y and Y = Fuckin’ Hilarious. You do the math.

#2 Nike Y2K Jogger

Remember the Y2K scare? I remember filling the bath in case the world ran dry when the clock struck the witching hour and eating enough three bean salads for days after to give the Hindenburg flight.

In this Jonze creation the ad plays off of what most feared. It involves a jogger who wakes up on New Years Day 2000 and goes for a casual run amongst absolute chaos, with the tag line firmly drilled home – Just Do It.

Visually this Ad is a treat and fully deserves it’s position at #2. Just watch it.

#1: Ikea Lamp

It’s the ad that almost made the Ikea Brand cool again. It went on to win the best TV commercial for four straight years at the Cannes Lions Advertising Festival notably tearing the famous Honda Cog commercial a new one. Well not really, Honda came second for a year or two.

A tragic tale of a Ikea lamp that gets discarded and thrown out on the street with the trash. Theres a strange unnerving twist to the tale, I would say “almost Shyamalan like” but I know I’d be beaten with an ugly stick, so I won’t.

So that’s it, the Ikea commercial makes it #1 on the Top 5 Spike Jonze Produced Commercials list.

Disclaimer: This post was written and published by me for ChumpStyle in 2007, I’ve updated it and have posted it here so it can live on.

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As told to me by the ghosts of Hollywood past, present and future.

Past: Hulk Hogan is the cause of movies like the Tooth Fairy.

When wrestling icon Hulk Hogan signed on to star in Mr. Nanny in 1993 he cursed action stars for eternity.  Now any meathead who can bench press the director is obligated to sell his testicles if he wants to “cross over” and attract a young female audience to combine with his massive male audience.  This must be what Vin Diesel (the Pacifier) and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (The Tooth Fairy) believe.  Right?

But my question is, does the same work in reverse?  Could you ever have a movie starring a domesticated female who suddenly finds herself the go-to-hero on a bloody battlefield surviving by using techniques she learned in the kitchen?  Could Renee Zellweger or Carrie Brad…Sarah Jessica Parker go from shopaholics to rage-a-holics?  Let’s all pray they try.

Present: Disney will never cast a black princess again.

Before the Princess and the Frog struggled to break the century mark, the last Disney animated adventure to gross less than 100 million was Meet the Robinson’s in March of 2007.  In that span, Bolt, Ratatouille, Wall-E, Up and A Christmas Carol all top 9 figures.  So a dog, rat, robot and a couple of geezers are all more bankable than a black princess, who by the way turns into a slimy, ugly frog.

Maybe it’s because of all the “hey come see Disney’s first black princess” advertising.  People don’t like to be sold.  I think if they’d advertised, “hey come watch this princess adventure with your daughters” the audience would have figure out she was black on their own.  But anyway, America has spoken.  Black President, yes we can.  Black princess, no not yet.

Future: NBC will never be a ratings juggernaut with it’s current executives.

After NBC punted Conan O’Brien on 2nd down there is no way they are getting the ratings-ball back.  And I’m not just talking about at 11:30 either.  This clearly shows that no one at that network with any pull has vision or balls, two essentials in building a winning team.  After 5 years of planning, yanking O’Brien after a couple of months is spineless.  Anybody remember the old saying, “no guts, no glory”?

This explains why they are constantly one step behind in breakthrough programming and cheating off the other networks papers (see: America’s Got Talent and the Listener as prime examples).  And let’s pretend for a second that they “had” to cancel Conan because of low ratings.  Are you telling me they didn’t see any holes or warning signs during that 5 year span?  If not, someone should probably reevaluate their career choice.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 4% [?]

Conan released a statement today saying he no longer wants to host “The Tonight Show” and plans to move on. This comes after NBC decided recently to put the ol’ hack, Leno back at 11:35pm time period. This has always been the regular slot for “Tonight” since the begining of time (well for decades but whos counting).

It’s a slap in the face for The Conebone and like us he’s pissed. In his recent statement Coco mentions “I sincerely believe that delaying the ‘Tonight Show’ into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. ‘The Tonight Show’ at 12:05 simply isn’t the ‘Tonight Show.” Read his full statement below:

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

[Source: MovieLine]

Update:
Via Deadline, who’s covering this debarcle by the hour:

Insiders say O’Brien’s reps didn’t want him to do it. “They were not thrilled. They told him it would undercut his negotiating leverage,” one source revealed to me. “But Conan wouldn’t listen to them. He wanted to make it.” When Conan read the statement (above) to the staff, “he broke up. He began to cry,” one of my insiders reveals. “Because for 17 years he was working towards The Tonight Show, and now he says he’s prepared to walk away from it.”

I grew up watching Conan, his show I believe has helped shape my sense of humor more than any other. The decisions he has made over this period given him a tremendous amount of respect from me. 17 Years he’s been working towards The Tonight Show and now after only 7 months he’s now willing to walk away, admirable, but it truely it’s a sad day.

Update:

Conan O’Brien’s monologue last night was almost poignant:

Hello, my name is Conan O’Brien, and I may soon be available for children’s parties. Welcome to NBC. Where our new slogan is, ‘No longer just screwing up prime-time.’ When I was a little boy, I remember watching The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and thinking ‘Someday, I’m going to host that show for 7 months.’ NBC says they’re planning to have the late night situation worked out before the Winter Olympics start. And trust me, when NBC says something – you can take that to the bank!”

Update:

David Letterman discusses the Late Night Mess and gives some history if you missed it.

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G.I. Joe

Back In My Day: G.I. Joe cartoons were essentially one giant commercial for mobile command fortresses that turned into boats that turned into wallets and other ridiculous things. They were effective commercials too, eschewing all traces of a plot and piling in as many action scenes involving the toy of the week as possible.

The Present Situation: Well, the whole plot thing hasn’t improved much with time. The cast was made smaller for the movie to cut down on racist portrayals of minorities and then the Joes were turned into Iron Man. On the plus side, after years of training Cobra henchmen are now able to hit the broad side of a barn when they shoot. I don’t know what other redeeming qualities there are now that I’m too old to go to the toy store to pick up a Wallace “Ripcord” Weems in Delta-6 Accelerator Suit action figure.

X-Men

Back In My Day: X-Men was a series that started out very strong. Mutants beating each other up was the epitome of entertainment. Then all sorts of dystopian futures and alternate timelines were introduced and my interest in the series started to wane. Those early episodes were awesome though.

The Present Situation: Much like the cartoon, the X-Men movies started off strong. The quality of the movies have gone downhill since then, with the spin-off Wolverine movie being quite disappointing. We can only hope that the X-Men: First Class prequel being planned will rekindle our nostalgia for mutants everywhere.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Back In My Day: The heroes in a half shell introduced me to my love of pizza. They also introduced me to my brief love of homemade nunchaku before I smacked myself in the shins. It was my dream to be a ninja amphibian who hung out with news reporters in sewers eating pizza. They were truly one of the most lighthearted groups of radical adventurers to ever grace the screen.

The Present Situation: TMNT brought the turtles back together but decided the lighthearted nature of the cartoon was too childish. Instead there was the tale of a family drifted apart and Raphael being a jerk. Luckily the movie preserved my childhood memories by keeping pizza references and having the turtles stay radical. Cowabunga!

Transformers

Back In My Day: As a kid with a short attention span I couldn’t get enough of my Transformers cartoons. I loved to see block shaped cars turn into block shaped robots with block shaped guns.  Whether it was watching Starscream ineptly try and overthrow Megatron for power every other episode or seeing Optimus Prime beating up other robots I always entertained. Then they introduced the Dinobots and Grimlock. It doesn’t get any better.

The Present Situation: The Transformers have really gotten streamlined since Michael Bay took over the franchise, but not much else has changed. The robots are looking a lot less boxy, the names of the human characters are slightly less ridiculous and there are more explosions then I remember, but those are the only real differences. Starscream is still a little weasel, Optimus Prime is still the man, and the jokes are still juvenile. I hope Grimlock gets introduced in future installments, but for now I’ll settle for Megan Fox.

Batman

Back In My Day: Batman was a grim avenger of the night, swooping from the shadows to stop evildoers. The Batman cartoon was quite possibly the highlight of my childhood, and that was before I found out Luke Skywalker was the voice of Joker.

The Present Situation: Batman has grown up with me. Like a fine wine he has gotten better with age. Excellent performances by Christian Bale and Heath Ledger have made sure this is one childhood memory that won’t get tarnished.

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5) Wimpy pimps

Are we really suppose to believe that guys like Neil Patrick Harris and David Spade are irresistible playboys?  Have you ever seen either one of them on any hot lists?  It’s Hollywood for crying out loud, you’d think they’d be able to find a masculine hunk with comedic timing.  I mean give a guy a chance because no amount of suspended disbelief is going to sell these guys as players.

4) No black people in major cities.

Friends set the precedent, but that was over 10 years ago.  Today even our President is black!  So yes we can find some random African Americans off the street who’d like to make $100 to stand in the background.  There shouldn’t be a show on TV that doesn’t at least show black extras.  There is no way you can walk around in public in New York, Miami or Los Angeles and not cross paths with a brotha or sista.

Seriously?  How does this get past the script supervisor?  God forbid a teen drama cast a minority along side their pretty white kids with problems.  If we can’t get cast as the basketball star, then what the hell roles can we be cast for?  The janitor?  Any series that force feeds us Caucasian superstar basketball players should automatically be dubbed fantasy.  Maybe they are hoping to inspire, like the way 24 cast the guy from the All State commercials as a black president before Obama happened.  Either way, at the very least they should make sure they cast someone over 6 feet tall.

2) The fat husband/beautiful wife

I know women say they want a guy who can make them laugh, but they never said that was the only qualification.  I’ve seen a lot of girls overlook a guys weight, but have you ever seen a drop dead gorgeous woman date — let alone marry — a poor sweaty doughboy who does nothing but give her grief?  What’s in it for her?

1) The playboys with no STD’s

I wish I could excuse this one because I seriously doubt any Hollywood writer has ever possessed a player card, but this glaring misrepresentation cannot be overlooked.  There is no way guys like Charlie Harper (Two and a Half Men) and Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) can bounce from girl to girl to girl so frequently and not slip one past the goalie or take home a nasty parting gift…or at least raise the threat level to orange.  Pimpin’ ain’t as easy as they make it out to be.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 3% [?]

What is the best and worst thing about the holidays?  One word: Marathons.  You haven’t seen the truly awesome brain rotting power of television until you’ve sat through 12+ episodes of TV’s most addictive programming.

5) CSI

Why the show is cool: Who would’ve thought science could be so cool?  Aside from the fact that non of these forensic specialist look like the dweebs who spent the day stuffed inside a locker or envying cheerleaders (except Sarah) it doesn’t get more raw and real than CSI.

Why the show is addictive: CSI shows us a life-like CGI reenactment of homicides that would make Jigsaw cringe.  It is literally a break down of those wrecks on the freeway everybody slows down to watch.

Why it never gets old: They could show an x-ray cam of someone getting shot every episodes and it would still be fascinating.

Why the show is cool: I swear I’m not a closet nerd, but who hasn’t watched a movie and said, “that s— isn’t real” at one point or another?  Mythbusters ends all debate.

Why the show is addictive: Curiosity may or may not have killed the cat, but I know for a fact it can kill a weekend.  It’s our need to know that makes this marathon so fun.  Oh yea, and they blow up a lot of s— too.

Why it never gets old: As long as people lie, there will always be a myth to bust.

Why the show is cool: Psycho.  Serial.  Killers.  Long before Dexter came out, Criminal Minds was digging into the brains of some of the most sick and twisted people on earth.

Why the show is addictive: You can’t just walk away from the TV when little Timmy is stuffed in the trunk of the pedophile who vaguely reminds you of your own weirdo neighbor.

Why it never gets old: It just never lets go.  You know you should turn away, you just can’t.

Why the show is cool: Everyone hates a pervert and therefore we love to watch heroic and interesting cops hunt these scumbags down.

Why the show is addictive:  Sex sells. Granted, Law & Order: SVU takes sexual deviance to the extreme, but if the tabloids have taught us anything it’s that society loves to see what’s going on in other people’s bedrooms.

Why it never gets old: If there are 64 positions in the Karma Sutra, then there are at least a thousand different ways to be be killed in each one.

Why the show is cool:  For a profession that routinely says, “if I tell you, I have to kill you” this is the only safe way to get inside the mind of a spy while you watch him in action.

Why the show is addictive: Michael Weston is a freaking one man army and sure isn’t shy about sharing his secrets in the “how-to” style narrating of the show.

Why it never gets old: One-trick-pony and Michael Weston don’t belong in the same stratosphere, let alone the same sentence.  I’m pretty sure he is the coolest guy on earth.  Hands down.

Popularity: 1% [?]

These smirking soldiers of fortune marauded across the airwaves for five cheese-tastic seasons, 1983-’87, pulling madcap capers that invariably helped “the little guy.”

Dodging the military police trying to bust them for a crime they didn’t commit back in Vietnam (don’t you hate it when that happens?), ‘The A-Team’ lived in a world of cartoon violence where no one was seriously injured by rampant gunfire, explosions or car wrecks. Nice.

Our mission: find out what they’ve been up in the 30 years since they’ve been off the ‘Team.’

George Peppard

Col. John “Hannibal” Smith

Then: Versatility, thy name is George Peppard. The onetime movie star went from sharing a kiss with Audrey Hepburn (‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s') to sharing a white van with Mr. T. The cigar-chomping honcho led a merry band of mercenaries, always cooking up a new scheme to stay ahead of the MPs. Master of disguise Hannibal relished the chase, and often remarked, “I love it when a plan comes together.” Hey, us too.

Now: ‘The A-Team’ gave Peppard a whole new generation of fans; he worked steadily in TV movies and was all set for a ‘Matlock’ spinoff once ‘Team’ was off the air. Sadly, his career renaissance was cut short when he was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1992 and died from complications of the disease two years later.

Mr. T.

Sgt. Bosco “B.A.” Baracus

Then: With a Fort Knox of gold chains around his neck, his ‘fro-hawk hairdo and his “I pity the fool…” tagline, B.A. was easily the Team’s breakout star. Wheelman, muscleman and mechanic for the crew, B.A. (Bad Attitude) could apparently handle anything — except flying, so the team always had to drug or hypnotize him to get him airborne. So that’s why they drove that van.

Now: Mr. T’s post-’A-Team’ career was golden with gigs as a pro wrestling personality and TV pitchman in addition to acting jobs. A born-again Christian, Mr. T now pities the fool who wears gold chains (as it’s an insult to God). Diagnosed with T-cell lymphoma in 1995, the former bouncer eventually bounced the big C and now lives in Sherman Oaks, Calif.

Dirk Benedict

Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck

Then: Benedict already had a TV following, as Starbuck on the original run of ‘Battlestar Galactica.’ His ‘A-Team’ character shared Starbuck’s gift of gab and went one better, with the gift of ‘MacGyver’: Face had the ability to make a plane out of a parachute and talk it into the air. As the Team’s con artist, scrounge, safe-cracker and chick magnet, Face was a master at scamming the ladies — and everyone else.

Now: Faceman settled down in real life, marrying actress Toni Hudson (who appeared in a season 4 ‘A-Team’ episode) in 1986. They divorced in 1995, but Dirk got custody of their two sons, raising them in a log cabin in his home state of Montana. He continues to act on stage and screen and competed in the 2007 season of the UK’s ‘Celebrity Big Brother,’ ranking third (coincidentally, he also ranked third on ‘The A-Team’).

Dwight Schultz

Capt. H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock

Then: Crazy like a fox, Howling Mad lived rent-free in an insane asylum between ‘A-Team’ missions. Accompanied by his invisible dog Billy, Murdock’s convenient insanity didn’t keep him from helping Face with his con games, speaking many languages or flying a chopper like nobody’s business. Insanely funny, unless you asked his straight man Mr. T.

Now: After the Team broke up, Schultz went on to play Reginald Barclay in ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation,’ ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ and ‘Star Trek: First Contact.’ He also tried his hand as a conservative talk show host with the now defunct ‘Howling Mad Radio,’ but has enjoyed much more success doing voice work for animated shows and video games.

[Source: InsideTV]

Popularity: 2% [?]

Abigail Whistler from Blade: Trinity

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Princess Anna Valerious from Van Helsing

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Pamela Anderson, Carmen Elektra and The Hoff. Some might call Baywatch the classiest show all time others will agree

Great acting and writing that has never graced your TV screen since the Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Mediocre girls in swimsuits ogreishly trampling along the beach looking for unsuspecting dudes to lay their grimey little hands on. OK yes those last two sentences were a lie, but hey I doubt you even read this far and if you did you’re probably into dudes. Below we at HD have decided are the Top 5 Hottest Baywatch Babes EVER!

Yasmine Bleeth

Naive, hot & brunette. Wikpedia lists her as one of the most searched for women in May 2009. Whatever happened in May 2009 I have no idea but I have my sniffer dogs onto it. I’ll update the post when Charles and Bronson have ‘fetched’.

Donna D’Errico

Always biting at the heals of Pamela Anderson, lets hope there’s a sex tape.

Gena Lee Nolin

Gina recently married and had kids. Yup Cougar’s, and both are spectacular at that. Oh and there’s a sex tape, may Google be your kind friend.

Carmen Electra

Yes she gets naked most of the time, yes she’s forever in FHM, yes she had something with Navarro & yes she’s hot. Doesn’t mean I have to like her. She is quite possibly the hottest most largest annoyance I’ve ever had to Google, and that makes me sad. This post should have been a joy to write, but it’s not. I’ve had to put the person I most depise at #2. DAMN YOU UNIVERSE!

Pamela Anderson

Fake hair, fake lips, fake tits and an inner thigh clearance to sink a thousand ships. Thank you lord for man made miracles and my favourite quips. Pamela Anderson you complete me, and make it to HD’s #1.

So there you have it Top 5 Hottest Baywatch Babes. Any you would like to kick out or add to the list, hell let’s make this a Top 10 why don’t we?

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