Humor District

There was a time when seeing a cowboy movie meant saloons and shootouts, not two guys hugging each other in a tent. Westerns has a certain no nonsense approach to them. There was a man who represented all that was manly, and he’d track the bad guys until he got his chance to shoot them down. Unless of course he was the bad guy, in which case he would have a certain amount of honor in gunning the sheriff down. These men were the reason we asked our parents for little cowboy hats and would pretend the rocking chair was a bucking bronco. None of us could match up to the manliness of these great cowboys though.

Rooster Cogburn – John Wayne

John Wayne played US Marshal Rooster Cogburn in the movie True Grit. He started the movie out as a man who loved his liquor and a cat named General Sterling Price. He didn’t seem like a very promising prospect when a little girl, Mattie Ross, asked for his help in tracking down her father’s killer. He seems like an exceptionally poor choice when a Texas Ranger has already offered his assistance. Cogburn still loves his drink, but he shows that he knows his business when it comes to hunting down the bad guys. He, the Ranger, and Maddie catch up with the killer and Cogburn puts him down and leaps into a hole to save Maddie who has been bitten by a rattlesnake. He then proceeds to carry her to safety. That’s what makes Rooster Cogburn a real man.

Man With No Name – Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood revolutionized Westerns with his portrayal of the Man With No Name. Before him, most stars of Westerns were straight laced guys who went out and got the bad guys and rode off into the sunset. The Man With No Name would also go get the bad guys, he just expected to be paid for it. There is an old saying that if you’re good at something, don’t do it for free. The Man With No Name was good at tracking people down and putting a bullet through them, so bounty hunter was the obvious career path for him. Through him we got to see a more lawless Western, where the fastest (and most accurate) gun decided what was right.

Ben Wade – Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe showed our generation can also turn out a pretty badass cowboy. Russell Crowe played the infamous bandit Ben Wade in 2007′s 3:10 to Yuma. Here we saw a ruthless criminal, but a criminal with honor. When he was captured and taken to the Yuma train he certainly didn’t make things easy for his escorts. They dropped off one by one, until only a simple farmer was left to get him to the train. To make matters worse, Wade’s gang was putting the city they were in under siege to try and rescue their boss. The farmer manages to get Wade to the train, sacrificing his life to do it. Wade saw what his captor had done and showed that criminals can have honor too, shooting his gang and boarding the train to prison of his own free will. Of course he was already well experienced in escaping from prison, reducing his worry of being hanged, but it was still a nice gesture.

Bernardo O’Reilly – Charles Bronson

Charles Bronson is famous for playing the bad guy in movies, but he was one of the best good guys in The Magnificent Seven. He was Bernardo O’Reilly, one of seven hired guns who were paid to protect a Mexican town from bandits. While other members of the gang were definitely in it for the money, O’Reilly formed a connection with the town, especially the children. As a result, he was ready to fight when the bandits showed up. That was more than could be said for some of the others. When they get run out of town by the bandits, Bernardo is more than willing to go back and save those he has grown to care for. When he sees the children in danger he leaps into action and saves them, giving up his life to do it. There’s an example of supreme manliness.

Doc Holliday – Val Kilmer

Val Kilmer gave the best performance of his career as Doc Holliday in Tombstone. He is a drinker, a gambler, and the best gunslinger around. That description already solidifies his reputation as being awesome. Unfortunately, Doc Holliday has tuberculosis and goes through life gravely ill. This doesn’t stop him from doing everything he can to help out his friends though. Even with his poor health, Doc Holliday doesn’t shy away from gunfights. His draw is still the fastest around and no criminal can beat him. He didn’t die protecting his friends because he was too good to be put down by any man. Eventually his health gives out and he dies peacefully, knowing he has done all the good he can. More importantly, he had the best quotes in the movie. “I’m your huckleberry”.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Do you remember running into the living room on Saturday mornings when you were little, a bowl of cereal in one hand, a remote in the other? Those were the days. We would sit down and watch our favorite cartoons while acting out episodes with the toys from whatever cartoon was popular at the time. If anybody asked, you would say whatever cartoon you were watching at the time was the greatest one ever made. Then after a year or two you would completely forget about that show. This is a tribute to those forgotten cartoons.

Street Sharks

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had their start in the 80′s and became wildly popular. Thus the Street Sharks were born. There were some subtle changes made, in Street Sharks four human brothers were turned into shark-like human mutants rather than four turtle brothers being change into human-like turtle mutants. Also, the Street Sharks totally did not like pizza or know ninja stuff. That was different enough for me as a kid and I immediately went out and got all the Street Sharks toys I could. The Street Sharks would beat the Ninja Turtle toys by virtue of the Ninja Turtles fitting perfectly into the mouths of the Street Sharks. Good planning on that front, Mattel. All in all, the two cartoons were very similar. The Street Sharks spent pretty much every episode stopping an evil scientist from turning everyone into mutants and yelling their catchphrase: “Jawsome!”. Those were the good old days.

Biker Mice from Mars

Biker Mice from Mars was a well thought out show about the danger of corporations spoiling the environment, much like Captain Planet. If you believed that sentence you must not have read the title of the show. Biker Mice from Mars actually did have a touch of environmentalism though, as the mice were trying to stop an evil race of fish people from stealing all of the Earth’s natural resources. Those same fish people had ruined Mars for the mice already, and they weren’t about to let that happen again. Of course I never really noticed that part of the show when I was little. I was far too busy watching aliens who also had robot parts ride awesome motorcycles that could shoot missiles. Now that I think back on it, those bikes couldn’t have been good for the environment. I still want one.

SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron

Swat Kats took the whole “cool vehicles” theme and ran with it. By day, Chance “T-Bone” Furlong and Jake “Razor” Clawson guarded a dump. By night, they used various items found in the dump to build stealth fighter jets, motorcycles, hovercrafts, and pretty much any other awesome vehicle you could think of. They would then dress up and use these vehicles to stop crime all over  Megakat City. What made this show so enjoyable is also what got it canceled. Swat Kats was not afraid to show some cartoon violence as Jake and Chance showed the criminal element the error of their ways. In the end, programmers deemed the violence would make kids like me punch a neighbor in the face or something. Ironically enough that didn’t happen until after Swat Kats was canceled.

Gargoyles

Gargoyles was a hell of a show. It was about gargoyles who were cursed to remain and remained as statues until their castle was rebuilt on the top of a skyscraper. Moving a castle from Scotland to the top of a skyscraper in New York is obviously the best use of somebody’s money. When the gargoyles awoke they got into fights with Xanadu, the obviously evil guy who moved the castle in the first place, and tried to adjust to living in modern day New York. Strangely enough, the Scottish gargoyles didn’t have Scottish accents, which was odd considering where they came. Goliath did have Keith David providing his voice. That beats a Scottish accent any day.

Aaahh! Real Monsters

Aaahh! Real Monsters was an interesting show. It followed a group of young monsters living in the sewer and learning how to scare people in a sort of monster school. It was kind of an earlier Monsters, Inc. in that way. It was actually pretty dark for a Nickelodeon kid’s show. One of the monsters would actually pull out her guts to scare children. The headmaster of the monster school would even eat monsters when they failed to scare children, but he’d always spit them out before they got digested. Stern but fair. Aaahh! Real Monsters was on the air for around 3 seasons before Nickelodeon pulled the plug, but it was good while it lasted.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Timothy Okyphant is the star of the new FX series, Justified. In Justified, Olyphant plays Raylan Givens, a US Marshall who has a habit of wearing a cowboy hat and straight up shooting every criminal he comes across. At the same time he is very polite and nice to the criminals right up until they are being taken to the coroner’s office. For some reason, that politeness just makes Timothy Olyphant seem even scarier. Well Justified isn’t the only time Olyphant has played a dude who could kick your ass from here to Timbuktu, here are some of his other ass kicking roles.

Agent 47 – Hitman

Timothy Olyphant almost made Hitman into an enjoyable movie, a big move considering it is one of those dreaded video game to movie projects. It was better than Doom at least. In Hitman, Timothy Olyphant plays Agent 47, a hitman who is framed into a job gone bad, or something along those lines. Basically Agent 47 gets a hit put out on him, has to kill other assassins, and reveal an evil Russian plot. As Agent 47, Timothy Olyphant shows that he can kill people equally well with rifles, machine pistols, and swords. It’s nice to see a well rounded assassin these days. Really, the only knock against Olyphant in this movie is that he didn’t get busy with Olga Kurylenko. He was too busy killing people to enjoy that hotness.

Kelly – The Girl Next Door

Now I know what you’re thinking, how can Timothy Olyphant be considered awesome in a movie where he has a girl’s name? By banging Elisha Cuthbert, that’s how. I know you would all change your names to Laverne if it meant you got to get with her. But I digress. In The Girl Next Door, Timothy Olyphant plays porno director Kelly, who gets to spend most of his time hanging out with naked ladies. To really seal up the greatness of the role, Timothy Olyphant also got to slap the crap out of Emile Hirsche.

Nick – A Perfect Getaway

What is made of titanium and survives a bullet to the head. If you answered The Terminator, I wouldn’t blame you. It is in fact Nick, Timothy Olyphant’s character in A Perfect Getaway. He plays an Iraq War Veteran with a titanium plate in his head and he hunts his own food while on vacation in Hawaii. That sounds pretty bad ass on its own, but then he gets shot. In the head. For most movie characters who aren’t Arnold Schwarzenegger, this means your role in the movie is over. Not for Timothy Olyphant. For him it is a mild inconvenience that allows him to rest up before he jumps off of a cliff and stabs somebody. Think about that the next time you stub your toe.

Hollywood Jack – A Man Apart

I’ll be honest with you, I have not seen this movie. I hear it stars Vin Diesel, has Mexican drug lords, and is really not very good. At all. I just couldn’t leave the fact that Timothy Olyphant played a character named Hollywood Jack off of this list.

Sheriff David Dutton – The Crazies

There are few things cooler than a cop who is allowed to go around shooting whoever he wants. That’s why Clint Eastwood will always be remembered as Dirty Harry. Timothy Olyphant is less loose cannon and more survivor as Sheriff David Dutton in The Crazies. He goes from average small town cop to shooting everyone in sight pretty early on in the movie, starting when a rifle wielding farmer interrupts a local ball game. Throughout the movie Olyphant racks up a fairly impressive kill count as he tries to reach safety with his wife and deputy. The only drawback is how often he himself needs saving, but he makes up for it by being Timothy Olyphant.

Raylan Givens – Justified

Keeping to the theme off cops shooting people, we have Raylan Givens as the last entry on this list. Timothy Olyphant does a great job as the super polite Raylan Givens, who also happens to be the quickest draw in the west, east, north, and south. What makes this character stand out as a true bad ass is the fact that he often warns criminals that he will shoot them the next time he sees them and gives them the option to get out of town. Apparently Raylan Givens watched a lot of spaghetti westerns when he was growing up. Invariably, the criminals he warns to get out of town never leave. He then sees them and, as promised, shoots them. The best part of the show is how everybody kind of uncomfortably tries to tell him he really isn’t allowed to just shoot every criminal he comes across. Then Raylan Givens just smiles, tips his cowboy hat, and leaves to go shoot some more bad guys.

Popularity: 2% [?]

We already showed you the Nightmare on Elm Street poster for the upcoming remake, and that alone showed that Jackie Earle Haley is going to scare the crap out of us as Freddy Krueger. This new A Nightmare on Elm Street trailer lives up to that poster and takes the scare factor one step higher. After watching this I have decided to just stay up all night and leave all the lights on.

Jackie Earle Haley seems more and more like the perfect casting choice for A Nightmare on Elm Street. He uses the same voice he did when he played Rorschach in Watchmen, but it sounds far creepier coming from Freddy. The dream sequences seem pretty creative, there are some attractive ladies, and the shot of the two little girls might have been scarier than anything else in that trailer. Little kids are straight evil. Anyways, if the movie lives up to the trailer, I would not be surprised if Jackie Earle Haley returned for many more Nightmare sequels. Enjoy the trailer, and good luck going to sleep.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Burger King’s new ad campaign features the pin up boys of Horror, all to let us know about their new late night hours. All are pretty tame with Ghost Face from Scream, Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street, Chucky enjoying or ordering some Burger King treats. I do however see the PC police getting all up in Burger King’s grill over the Jason ad though. A stupid dead chearleader hung over the passenger blind might seem like an awesome visual for true horror fans, but bible bashing, trailer park dwelling folk with nothing in their sheds beside a whole bunch of pitchforks may see it a little different. The start of a Horror movie in itself.

The big question though, why April and not October? Is this some sort of joke? I’m so confused!

Chucky, Scream & Freddy after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 1% [?]

We took 64 of the meanest and nastiest movie villains ever created and brought them together for a no holds-barred tournament, to find out who is the evilest villain of all times.  For rules and details about the selection process click here.

ROUND 1: Northeast Region

ROUND 1: Northwest Region

ROUND 1: Southeast Region

ROUND 1: Southwest Region

ROUND 2: East Region

ROUND 2: West Region

SWEET 16: East Region

SWEET 16: West Region

The top 16 weren’t so sweet to Jason Voorhees as he was dumped out of the tournament by the Skirt, Catherine Tramell.  So finally we are down to the top 8 most vile human beings and otherwise that have ever walked the planet in a fictional reality.  And we can only pray that none of the final four will ever make it to our reality.  So who are the final four?

VS.

(1) Joker – the Dark Knight

(7) General Thade – Planet of the Apes

Battle: General Thade may have terrorized an entire race, but he was organized.  He was controlled.  He had purpose.  And even worse (as far as being evil goes) he still cared about his own people.  Joker couldn’t care less about his own people, including the gangsters.  He killed them whenever the mode struck him.  No one was safe from the Joker’s wrath.  Sometimes not even the Joker.

Winner: Joker

VS.

(1) Freddy Krueger – A Nightmare on Elm Street

(3) Catherine Tramell – Basic Instinct

Battle: On paper it’s Freddy by a mile, but if you look closer he can easily be picked apart.  First of all the guy can only attack children (and I don’t believe it’s ever truly defined when you stop being a “child” Freddy can attack).  So his victim pool is limited.  He is also stuck in the dream world.  I know everyone has to sleep, but there is no reason to be terrified of him while you’re awake.  He also seems to limit himself to the kids on Elm Street, so if you are smart enough to stay away, he’ll never know you exist.  Catherine Tramell is an international killer.  She is also the type to kill people just to amuse herself, while Freddy was purely revenge motivated.  However, Tramell is not without fault.  She is evil, but doesn’t she always seem to go after people who somewhat deserve it?  She’s never really gotten to someone with a strong will or mind.  They wouldn’t fall for her tricks, and if you don’t play her game, she can’t really kill you.

Okay, this one has gone into overtime.  And in overtime I have to go with my gut.  My gut says that Freddy Krueger was a meaner son-of-a-b****, but who was eviler?…more evil?  Whatever…I know I’m stalling…uhh…coin flip…no I didn’t actually flip a coin…

…

Okay, okay.

Winner: Freddy Krueger

VS.

(3) Damien – The Omen

(9) Castor Troy – Face/Off

Battle: Castor Troy is defined as a terrorist, but the devil has and always will be the king of terrorism.  Damien as you know, is the devil’s son.  But this matchup really boils down to their resumes.  Damien’s objective was to destroy the world that God made.  To end it all.  Castor Troy’s objective was to just blow up a few major cities.  Kill a bunch of people here and there, but he really had no intentions of killing himself.  He was too vain for that.  Damien would’ve gladly killed himself to reach his destiny.  Neither of them actually succeeded.  Damien’s aim was a little bit higher.

Winner: Damien

VS.

(2) Terminator – Terminator

(12) Gordon Gekko – Wall Street

Battle: Terminator were created to destroy the human race.  Gordon Gekko was created to destroy human finances.  Gordon was merciless.  He would steal from his own grandmother to make a profit.  He’d take your house, your life saving, your kids college education and buy a yacht then name it after your family and sail it by the cardboard box you now live in.  He was cold as a…well…robot.  But there was one catch.  He didn’t really have the stones to kill anybody and while we as a society worship money, it’s not completely vital to life.  You heartbeat is however.  And the Terminator was eager to take that from you.  The clock strikes 12 on the Cinderella coach that is Gekko.

Winner: Terminator

NEXT UP, THE FINAL FOUR!—->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

Screen Rant’s Vic Holtreman has been a busy bee recently. He took all the footage from the Iron Man 2 trailers that have been released and made one super trailer out of it. If you were somehow not excited about Iron Man 2, then I feel confident saying this trailer will change your mind. We get good footage of Robert Downey Jr. being awesome as Tony Stark and doing his thing as Iron Man, Mickey Rourke being foreign as Whiplash, and Scarlett Johansson killing some dude with her thighs as Black Widow. I am especially excited about that part. Vic, you have done excellent work here. Now we all expect to see similar trailers when Thor and Captain America come out.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Look, no one ever thought the President of the United State would be cast as a black man, but it happened.  I mean thinking about how great movies were updated with black actors, and how great characters were upgraded to black characters, maybe it’s time to open the door for a lot of other taboo characters.    These are the five that I’d vote for.

5) Robin Hood

Why it’s time: It’s not like people would have a hard time believing that black people steal.  Hey, I’m just being honest.  I know that black people may not have been around during medieval times (what, do I look like a Historian to you?), but still, can we at least get a variation of Robin Hood?  Maybe an modern version?  This story has to resonate in the hood.  It has to.  Hood is his name for crying out loud!

4) Wonder Woman

Why it’s time: She came from the amazon.  A South American country.  Why is Wonder Woman white in the first place?  There were slaves sent to South America, maybe one of them married an amazon, or was forced to serve an amazon sexually…I don’t know how that whole thing thing works.  But the point is it’s toally believable for Wonder Woman to be black, more-so than for her to be Caucasian.  I’m just saying.

3) Terminator

Why it’s time: He’s a freaking robot from the future.  I know there are black people in the future.  Are we not good enough to have a Terminator molded after us?  Sam Worthington had a Terminator modeled after him.  Who the hell is he?  I know they are doing more Terminator movies.  They better do them right.  By definitions robots are made from interchangeable parts, so no one has to get mad that it’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger.

2) James Bond

Why it’s time: It’s not like there is a certain image that comes to mind when you think James Bond.  Everybody and their mother has been cast as James Bond.  None of them look a like.  Clearly there is a broad standard in the casting.  Why can’t he be black?  African-Americans live in England…but then I guess they’d be African-Englanders…whatever…you know what I mean.  Anyway, maybe James Bond was always black and the slick haired Caucasian look was just a disguise.  Maybe he was light skin.  I don’t care.  Sell it.

1) Tarzan

Why it’s time: Look, Tarzan is a muscle-bound, incredibly athletic and uncivilized dude swinging through the jungle on vines with the IQ of a grapefruit and has dark skin and woolly hair…

…

Black people can’t have this one?  That’s exactly what black people are notoriously accused of being!  If I read that description at a Klan meeting or even a Congressional hearing they’d accuse this suspect of being a black man.  And Tarzan spends all his time chasing a white woman…are you hearing me?

P.S. – the art/photos were gathered via the internet from some pretty imaginative people who apparently have an Obama obsession.  Nice work though.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

Some people consider this a slap in the face to the original designs.  I’m here to tell you these re-castings prove those people are wrong.  If you look at the worlds in which these characters were created you’d think that black people never made it off the boat.  In New York no less.  That’s not realistic.  Modern writers knew that and gave birth to some refreshing adaptations of each character.  And so black icons were born.  Happy Black History Month!

5) Catwoman – Batman

Original Character Traits: Selena Kyle is sassy, sexy and tough as nails.  Part pussy, part b*tch.  The ultimate diva.

Why they went black: Have you met a black woman?  Haha, j/k.  Sort of.  When you think Catwoman — for a lot of people — Eartha Kitt comes to mind.  Eartha was the purrr-fect (couldn’t resist) blend of femininity and ass-kicking toughness.  She was the cat with the canary.  She could kiss it or eat it, you just never know.  Halle Berry was a good choice too…the script was not.

4) Robert Neville – I Am Legend

Original Character Traits: A gritty scientist trying to revive humanity — while holding onto his own — who hunts vam-zombies.

Why they went black: Can you really go wrong casting Will Smith?  Anyway, 50 years ago most people would laugh at the idea of a black person being Robert Neville, a brilliant scientist.  Today, it’s not so far fetched.  Besides, if you think of someone being brilliant yet fit enough to survivor an apocalypse and still interesting enough to capture our attention Cast Away-style…again it’s Will Smith.

3) Kingpin – Daredevil

Original Character Traits: the Kingpin is gigantic, but not fat.  Tough.  Brawler.  Feared.  Threatening in a “holy sh*t get out of this guy’s way” way.

Why they went black: This one was a no-brainer.  The deep voice and imposingly muscular presence alone made Michael Clarke Duncan the obvious choice.  Add that Kingpin was from one of the roughest neighborhoods in New York and why not make him a ‘hood survivor?  It just makes sense.

2) Dracula – Vampire in Brooklyn

Original Character Traits: Charming but deadly.

Why they went black: Okay so Eddie Murphy wasn’t exactly playing Dracula, but it’s the same principle.  Typically when a black person is cast in a movie he’s the lover or the fighter.  There doesn’t seem to be an in between in the perception of African-Americans.  No black geeks, nerds or outcasts.  Dracula was both a lover and a fighter.  There you go.

1) God – Bruce Almighty

Original Character Traits: The creator.  His son — or He if that’s what you believe — had “skin of bronze and hair of wool.”

Why they went black: Who’s that sound like to you?  Morgan Freeman is practically a god himself though, so he was a perfect fit.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 2% [?]

10 Years since Toy Story 2 and 15 years since the original. WOW! Don’t you feel old! It sucks doesn’t it, drinking yoghurt and eating mash and gravy through a straw isn’t cool. Anyways, Woody, Buzz Light Year and co are back and have a play date with destiny and you’re invited. 3D? Oh shuddup!

Starring: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Timothy Dalton, Jeff Garlin, Whoopi Goldberg and Michael Keaton.

Popularity: 1% [?]