Humor District

The shuffling undead have been featured in numerous movies. There is something gripping about zombies in all their incarnations. Sometimes they shuffle slowly, sometimes they run. Sometimes they moan, sometimes they mumble about how good your brains will taste. One constant is that they are always entertaining. Even terrible zombie movies can be entertaining. I would say that it is actually difficult to make a movie about zombies that a good amount of people won’t find to be enjoyable. Still, there are definitely some zombie movies that have been better than others and become classics. These are the movies we can watch over and over again until our brains turn into mush. It’s a win/win situation, we decay our brains watching great zombies movies, and the zombies don’t need to chew when they get our brains.

Dawn of the Dead

I couldn’t really decide which Dawn of the Dead I enjoyed more. George A. Romero made the original in 1978 and it became an instant classic in the zombie genre. Then Zack Snyder remade Dawn of the Dead in 2004 and reminded people how awesome zombie movies could be. The original Dawn of the Dead proved that a zombie movie can actually be done well. The remake had Ving Rhames. You can see my dilemma in deciding which of these movies is a better example of the zombie genre, so we will just agree that they were both great.

Army of Darkness

Bruce Campbell is a legendary name known to everybody who likes zombie movies. He is a B-movie god, there is no other way to describe it. His best role was undoubtedly as Ash in the Evil Dead series by Sam Raimi. While all the movies in the Evil Dead series are great, Army of Darkness stands head and shoulders above the others. There are zombies, time travel, skeletons, demon things, and all sorts of medieval goodness. While it wasn’t strictly a zombie movie, it is close enough and good enough to earn a spot on this list.

28 Days Later

28 Days Later showed that zombie movies can have more monsters than just zombies. Here is a hint, the survivors are monsters. This was more of a thinking man’s zombie movie, as the movie showed how the survivors of a zombie outbreak became animalistic and possibly even more evil than the zombies. I mean zombies don’t really know what they’re doing, like a puppy chewing up a pair of shoes for the first time. Unfortunately you can’t discipline a zombie like a puppy, as they are far more terrifying. The final scene in 28 Days Later is one of the most bad ass scenes in any zombie movie ever. 

Resident Evil

The Resident Evil video game series is without a doubt the best zombie themed video game series of all time. Surprisingly enough, that video game series turned into a pretty good zombie movie. The first Resident Evil showed off a kick ass side of Milla Jovovich and a crazy zombie rabbit thing with a killer tongue. This movie was pure zombie outbreak action, and as any guy will tell you, that is one of the best kinds of action. Plus we like to see Milla Jovovich kill zombies by doing high kicks in a dress.

Shaun of the Dead

It was a tough choice between Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland, but ultimately Shaun of the Dead provided more laughs. Shaun of the Dead established Simon Pegg as one of the funniest guys in movies, and Nick Frost is a very good fat friend. What made Shaun of the Dead so good was how much humor they managed to extract from a zombie infestation. It remained a fairly lighthearted movie even as multiple people were devoured by zombies, some quite messily. Shaun of the Dead remains as the movie that all other humorous zombie movies will be compared to.

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Disney has made some great movies over the years, and most of them have been geared towards a younger audience. That’s why it is kind of surprising to look back on some of these movies and see how messed up some of the villains actually were. It is a wonder that children don’t soil their pants in fear every time they watch these movies. Disney has some straight up evil characters, and these are the 7 most terrifying of them.

Scar was one bad lion. We won’t get into how he is the only black lion, we can leave it at the Disney has a proud tradition of a little racism, and his color isn’t what made him scary. It is the fact that he killed his own brother in cold blood, and then told his nephew, Simba, that it was his fault that his father died. He assumed Simba would die when the guilt caused him to run off alone. That’s some pretty messed up behavior right there. The only thing is Scar probably would have been scarier if he had normal lion behavior. He still would have killed his brother, he would have killed Simba, and to add insult to injury he would have banged Simba’s mom and Nala since he led the pride. Now that’s terrifying.

This was a guy who used religion to mask his bigotry. He hated gypsies more than a fat kids hate strenuous activities. In fact, the movie starts out with him killing a gypsy by pushing her down some stairs. Not only was the gypsy trying to reach sanctuary inside the Notre Dame Cathedral, but she was carrying a baby. Frollo’s immediate reaction was not to save the baby, but to drown it. Luckily he was stopped by the Archdeacon who tells him to raise the baby or go to hell. Put like that, it was an easy choice for Frollo. That baby grew up to be the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Quasimodo. Frollo spent his time keeping Quasimodo locked in the Notre Dame Cathedral his entire life. Things begin got even worse when Frollo developed a rage boner for the sexy gypsy Esmeralda. Things went downhill from there, and he ended up trying to kill Quasimodo, and telling him to his face that he killed his mother and should have killed him. I think it is a safe bet Frollo didn’t make it up to heaven when he died.

Cruella de Vil is one of the most iconic Disney villains in history. Her exaggerated mannerisms are memorable, and she tried to kill a whole bunch of puppies to make herself a fur coat. Yeah, people really remember attempted puppy murderers. What makes Cruella so terrifying is the fact that she WANTS TO KILL PUPPIES. Seriously, who doesn’t love puppies? They are little furry balls of pure adorable. What kind of life has Cruella led to become desensitized to their wide pleading eyes? Just thinking about what is going on in her warped mind sends shivers down the spine. I blame her parents. Seriously, who names their kid Cruella? That’s just asking for trouble down the line.

Maleficent started off Sleeping Beauty with the ultimate buzzkill. While everyone is celebrating the birth of Princess Aurora and giving her presents such as beauty and song, Maleficent shows up and bestows the baby with the gift of dying before her 16th birthday. Even one of those singing fish wall plaques would have been a better gift than that. Luckily the last fairy makes it so Princess Aurora just goes into a coma. Maleficent doesn’t enjoy the fact that her gift was not appreciated, so she turns herself into a monstrous dragon to try and stop the prince who plans on saving Princess Aurora. She is a terrifying dragon. There is no other way to put it. Giant black dragons breathing green flames just give me the willies. While other Disney villains at least cracked occasional jokes or had bumbling henchmen, Maleficent was just about getting the job done. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s cold, business-like demeanor in Terminator was based off of Maleficent.

The Horned King was not a character to be trifled with. The Black Cauldron was a movie with knights and such, so you would expect the Horned King to be some large warrior or something along those lines. It was quite a shocker then when he appeared to be some sort of zombie sorcerer. He wasn’t just trying to take over the lands, but to raise an entire army of undead monstrosities. This was basically a medieval version of 28 Days Later with some magic added in for good measure. The Horned King damn near reached his goal too. He had all the tools he needed to raise the army of zombies, he just ended up being consumed and destroyed by the power. It’s hard not to be terrified of a villain who was killed off by a lucky break.

Shan Yu is bad ass enough to make Genghis Khan look like an equally bad ass Hun ruler. Shan Yu was a beast, he survived an avalanche that took out most of his men and merely shook it off. That’s right, being caught in an avalanche was only a minor setback for this man. He also managed to deduce the location of the Chinese army and ambush them all because of clues given off by a single doll. That meant he had superhuman senses and was also a master tactician. He could also cut trees in half with his sword. Perhaps most terrifying of all was his pet falcon, who could fly around and locate enemies and deliver scouting reports. This basically adds up to an unstoppable man who could find you no matter where you hid and would never stop hunting you down. Basically Shan You can be summed up by his interaction with 2 of his Chinese prisoners. He tells them to go back and warn China that the Huns were coming. As the prisoners run off, Shan Yu asks one his soldiers how many prisoners it takes to deliver a message. The answer is of course one, so one of the prisoners is shot down while they run away. Ruthless is the only description for that scene.

Ursula was a magical fat octopus lady. If you aren’t terrified already then there is something wrong with you. Maybe she was scary because of her creepy ass eel henchmen. They were not nearly as adorable as Ariel’s aquatic friends. Maybe it was her scratchy voice that made her terrifying to small children. Maybe it is because everything bigger than a minnow in the ocean is automatically one of the scariest things ever. Oh wait, no, it wasn’t any of those things. While they did add in to the creepiness factor of Ursula, it was the end of the movie that solidified her into the most terrifying Disney villain ever. She grows to monstrous proportions and basically becomes half Rosie O’Donnell and half kraken with a smoking problem. She literally begins to tear boats apart with her tentacles, and the crashing waves and stormy skies just make her seem even more terrifying. Just imagine being hopped up on children’s Tylenol and watching this. Ursula even has one of the most violent deaths of all the Disney Villains. It took her being impaled on a ship’s mast for that leviathon to return under the sea.

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28 Drinks Later is a hilarious parody trailer that spoofs 28 Days Later to give a glimpse at the “alcoholypse.” Instead of a world filled with mindless zombies… it’s a world filled with mindless drunks.

The short was created for Nick Swardson’s Comedy Central DVD Seriously, Who Farted? and stars Nick Swardson and Simon Rex.

The premise is simple. Despite a thriving US economy, the Nation has fallen to and succumbed to the iron grip of the Appletini and my personal vice, Jagerbombs, and everyone… is… wasted! Check out the video below.
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Biggest Culprits: Twilight, Underworld, Van Helsing, Zombieland, I Am Legend, Blood: the Last Vampire, 28 Days Later

What it should be replaced with: Angels and Messiahs.  Hasn’t the dark side gotten enough attention?  People get really excited when bad guys do the slightest bit of good, but what about the good guys with the burden to do great?  Let’s raise our standards a little.

Biggest Culprits: Lions for Lambs, Stop Loss, Body of Lies, The Hurt Locker, The Kingdom, In the Valley of Elah

What it should be replaced with: Fantasy wars.  Once upon a time filmmakers were subtle about their political agendas.  They made movies with fictitious apes to comment on civil rights and audiences were none the wiser, or at least pretended to be.  Give me apes, aliens or even Cobra Commander, but please stop using real wars with real people as the playground for your social commentary.

Biggest Culprits: Star Trek, Batman, Hulk, Land of the Lost, Pink Panther, Friday the 13th

What it should be replaced with: Next generation.  It’s obvious that people like familiar stories and Hollywood likes to take the easy way out, but stop cheating!  You can use familiar franchises with fresh characters.  Danny Glover and Mel Gibson have to actually be too old for this s— right?  So instead of casting Dwayne Johnson and Sean William Scott as Riggs and Murtaugh in a Lethal Weapon reboot, cast the next hot-young-thing as new detectives and cameo our favorite odd couple as police chiefs.  Murtaughs kids have to be cop age right?

Biggest Culprits: The Cove, Battle for Terra, The Happening, Wall-E, The Road, 9, The Day After Tomorrow

What it should be replaced with: Health-care preaching.  Repo Men is a good start.  I am not worried about the earth dying, but I am worried about dying in the emergency room or not even making it to the hospital because I can’t afford the ride.

Biggest Culprits: Saw, Hostel, Wolf Creek, Turistas, Captivity, Funny Games

What it should be replaced with: Massacres.  We’ve seen how a deranged serial killer thinks and explored the one-on-one relationship between victim and murderer, but anybody can kill one person at a time.  What about those who kill and keep it moving, racking up dozens of victims in a matter of minutes?  What about those who don’t get intimate with their prey?  How do they tick?  If you were trapped inside a mall with a stealthy mass murderer would you hide, run or fight back?  Would you help others or look out for yourself?  I want to see those movies.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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