Humor District

Some new photos have been released of Marcus Nispel’s upcoming Conan remake. The main thing to keep in mind about these photos is that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not in them. Jason Momoa is Conan now. The sooner you come to accept that, the easier these pictures will be to appreciate. Jason Momoa may not have the ridiculous musculature that Arnold did, but he is still a fairly intimidating fellow. He definitely looks ready to kick some serious amounts of ass in these pictures.

Of course we know that Conan is only as awesome as the enemies he has crushed and seen driven before him, so while he looks pretty bad ass posing with a sword and a knife, we won’t know how great he really is until we see if his villain is as awesome as James Earl Jones. Luckily we have also received the first picture of a villain from the upcoming Conan movie. I think you will agree that he looks sufficiently menacing.

Yes, a battle between Conan and this behemoth will be entertaining to see. If you aren’t satisfied with this glimpse at Conan, check out the Conan Movie Blog for more updates. Of particular interest are their on set pictures of Conan partying the night away with wenches. Topless wenches. It is inevitable that many will compare this movie unfavorably with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s version, but Marcus Nispel seems to be doing everything he can to create a movie that will be fun to watch.

It is amazing how some actors have such a commanding presence in movies that their performances are remembered for ages. For every highly praised movie there is an actor giving a highly praised performance. After watching such a movie and actor, like Brandon Marlo in The Godfather, it is hard to picture that actor as anything less than amazing. Unfortunately, many great actors make some poor decisions that tarnish their reputations. Usually this poor decision is star in a movie that can best be compared to a steaming pile of feces. These are great actors in terrible movies.

George Clooney – Batman & Robin

George Clooney has not only received the honor of formerly being the sexiest man alive, he got to play the World’s Greatest Detective AKA Batman. You might remember this incarnation of batman, he had nipples on his suit. He also had a credit card in the name of Batman. This movie almost killed what was a popular franchise up to that point. I suppose the only real highlight was laughing at Arnold Schwarzenegger’s corny lines as Mr. Freeze. Luckily for Batman fans everywhere, Christian Bale has saved the franchise and erased George Clooney’s Batman from our minds.

Michael Caine – Jaws: The Revenge

Nothing more needs to be said about Jaws: The Revenge other than it is the third movie in the Jaws franchise and it is called Jaws: The Revenge. It is about a shark seeking revenge. Seriously, that is the plot of the movie. Michael Caine was not well known for being Batman’s butler at this time, but still, he has way too much acting credibility to be in a Jaws sequel. All I can say is I hope he got a good paycheck for this embarrassment. Michael Caine has made up for this mistake later in his career, but if he could choose one movie to take back, I’d wager this would be it. As long as he got to keep his pay.

John Travolta – Battlefield Earth

John Travolta has been in some great movies. He has also been in Battlefield Earth. This is like a double whammy of poor decision making, as John Travolta not only starred in Battlefield Earth, but he was also the driving force behind getting this terrible movie made. Battlefield Earth was nothing but a recruitment movie for Scientology, but it would have been more effective if it had been good. Battlefield Earth also ended up as a blemish on respected actor Forest Whitaker’s resume.

Halle Berry – Catwoman

Halle Berry has long been one of the biggest names in Hollywood. Her role in Monster’s Ball cemented her position as one of the premiere actresses of her time. She was also one of the hottest Bond girls to grace the screen. When a Catwoman movie was announced, Halle Berry seemed like the perfect casting choice. She has the right combination of independence and ass kicking ability to make the perfect Catwoman. The writers of the movie decided to ignore all that character development nonsense and instead decided to focus the movie on a creepy cat lady who beats guys up with almost no semblance of plot. This was definitely not a movie Halle Berry will want to remember.

Robert De Niro – The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

Robert De Niro is one of the most highly respected actors of our generation. He has been in such classic movies as Goodfellas, The Untouchables, and Taxi Driver. What is the best way to follow up this kind of success? If you ask De Niro himself, I am sure he will tell you the best way to build on that success is to not play the Russian Spy Boris in a live action Rocky and Bullwinkle movie. Unfortunately, De Niro learned this the hard way. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle was a complete flop, and De Niro’s caricature of a Russian was not nearly as entertaining as it might have been during the Cold War. Luckily most people don’t remember that there was a Rocky and Bullwinkle movie, and fewer remember Robert De Niro being in it. I think it is safe to say his career recovered.

Many people think of the San Diego Comic Con as that place where fat guys dress up as Batman and look at each other’s comic book collections. This is only partly true. The San Diego Comic Con has grown far larger than a simple gathering of comic book fans, and has also grown to include types of media other than comic books. One of the biggest parts of the San Diego Comic Con these days is movie previews. Comic book movies have grown very popular, so producers use the San Diego Comic Con as a way to promote their movies before release. This means we get to see sneak peeks of movies and get some extra details on the production process. Here are some of the movies that will be featured, or we at least hope will be featured, at the San Diego Comic Con.

Megamind

Megamind is the latest DreamWorks production. This movie will answer the often asked question of what happens if a villain kills his heroic nemesis. With a cast including Will Ferrell, Jonah Hill, and Brad Pitt, Megamind is looking like it will be quite the entertaining movie. The first day of Comic Con features a panel dedicated to Megamind so we can expect some sneak peeks to be released. Maybe we will also find out why they changed the name of the movie from Oobermind to Megamind after they had released promotional materials.

The Green Hornet

We recently showed The Green Hornet trailer on here, so we can expect there to be a lot more Green Hornet news at Comic Con. I am personally hoping they show off the car used in the movie, a 1966 Imperial nicknamed Black Beauty. Expect another trailer to be released at Comic Con, giving us a better look at how Seth Rogen will handle the hero role. The trailer looks promising, but Comic Con will give us a better idea of what to expect from this movie.

Thor

It is no secret that Marvel is putting out movies featuring major heroes in order to make the big Avengers movie in the future. The Thor movie has been somewhat overshadowed by the Captain America movie, but Comic Con is sure to take a look at both. Chris Hemsworth will be playing the role of Thor, and so far we have just seen one picture of him in costume and no trailer. Hopefully Comic Con will fix that and give us plenty of information on the Norse God of Thunder. I would also like to see some information on Chris Evans and the Captain America movie, such as if Chris Evans will be cracking his usual jokes in this movie. Maybe Marvel will also explain why they like actors named Chris so much, I might have to get a name change.

Salt

San Diego Comic Con isn’t just about comics anymore, and as a result many movie studios bring special sneak peeks of their movies to the convention. One movie that will be featured is Angelina Jolie’s action thriller Salt. It will be interesting to see the Russian spy angle discussed, especially considering the fact the United States just found some real life Russian spies. A case of life imitating art indeed. More importantly, Angelina Jolie still looks super hot.

Deadpool

I don’t know how much Deadpool will be discussed at Comic Con, especially considering the fact that the star of Deadpool, Ryan Reynolds, will be busy promoting his role as Green Lantern over on the DC side of things. It is hard to imagine this movie project not being brought up at some point considering the support given by fans and Ryan Reynolds himself. Hopefully a production schedule will be released at Comic Con, but there is definitely no guarantee on that.

The Expendables

Another non-comic movie that will be featured at Comic Con is The Expendables. I really want to see another trailer for this movie, because it will be three minutes of ass kicking. I don’t care what the plot is, a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Jason Statham  is going to be awesome. This is definitely not going to be a movie for intellectuals, but it will be amazing nonetheless.

We here at HumorDistrict will definitely be keeping an eye on movie news coming from the San Diego Comic Con, so you can look forward to updates on all the movies discussed here and more.

Timothy Okyphant is the star of the new FX series, Justified. In Justified, Olyphant plays Raylan Givens, a US Marshall who has a habit of wearing a cowboy hat and straight up shooting every criminal he comes across. At the same time he is very polite and nice to the criminals right up until they are being taken to the coroner’s office. For some reason, that politeness just makes Timothy Olyphant seem even scarier. Well Justified isn’t the only time Olyphant has played a dude who could kick your ass from here to Timbuktu, here are some of his other ass kicking roles.

Agent 47 – Hitman

Timothy Olyphant almost made Hitman into an enjoyable movie, a big move considering it is one of those dreaded video game to movie projects. It was better than Doom at least. In Hitman, Timothy Olyphant plays Agent 47, a hitman who is framed into a job gone bad, or something along those lines. Basically Agent 47 gets a hit put out on him, has to kill other assassins, and reveal an evil Russian plot. As Agent 47, Timothy Olyphant shows that he can kill people equally well with rifles, machine pistols, and swords. It’s nice to see a well rounded assassin these days. Really, the only knock against Olyphant in this movie is that he didn’t get busy with Olga Kurylenko. He was too busy killing people to enjoy that hotness.

Kelly – The Girl Next Door

Now I know what you’re thinking, how can Timothy Olyphant be considered awesome in a movie where he has a girl’s name? By banging Elisha Cuthbert, that’s how. I know you would all change your names to Laverne if it meant you got to get with her. But I digress. In The Girl Next Door, Timothy Olyphant plays porno director Kelly, who gets to spend most of his time hanging out with naked ladies. To really seal up the greatness of the role, Timothy Olyphant also got to slap the crap out of Emile Hirsche.

Nick – A Perfect Getaway

What is made of titanium and survives a bullet to the head. If you answered The Terminator, I wouldn’t blame you. It is in fact Nick, Timothy Olyphant’s character in A Perfect Getaway. He plays an Iraq War Veteran with a titanium plate in his head and he hunts his own food while on vacation in Hawaii. That sounds pretty bad ass on its own, but then he gets shot. In the head. For most movie characters who aren’t Arnold Schwarzenegger, this means your role in the movie is over. Not for Timothy Olyphant. For him it is a mild inconvenience that allows him to rest up before he jumps off of a cliff and stabs somebody. Think about that the next time you stub your toe.

Hollywood Jack – A Man Apart

I’ll be honest with you, I have not seen this movie. I hear it stars Vin Diesel, has Mexican drug lords, and is really not very good. At all. I just couldn’t leave the fact that Timothy Olyphant played a character named Hollywood Jack off of this list.

Sheriff David Dutton – The Crazies

There are few things cooler than a cop who is allowed to go around shooting whoever he wants. That’s why Clint Eastwood will always be remembered as Dirty Harry. Timothy Olyphant is less loose cannon and more survivor as Sheriff David Dutton in The Crazies. He goes from average small town cop to shooting everyone in sight pretty early on in the movie, starting when a rifle wielding farmer interrupts a local ball game. Throughout the movie Olyphant racks up a fairly impressive kill count as he tries to reach safety with his wife and deputy. The only drawback is how often he himself needs saving, but he makes up for it by being Timothy Olyphant.

Raylan Givens – Justified

Keeping to the theme off cops shooting people, we have Raylan Givens as the last entry on this list. Timothy Olyphant does a great job as the super polite Raylan Givens, who also happens to be the quickest draw in the west, east, north, and south. What makes this character stand out as a true bad ass is the fact that he often warns criminals that he will shoot them the next time he sees them and gives them the option to get out of town. Apparently Raylan Givens watched a lot of spaghetti westerns when he was growing up. Invariably, the criminals he warns to get out of town never leave. He then sees them and, as promised, shoots them. The best part of the show is how everybody kind of uncomfortably tries to tell him he really isn’t allowed to just shoot every criminal he comes across. Then Raylan Givens just smiles, tips his cowboy hat, and leaves to go shoot some more bad guys.

Celebrating the finest actor of our generation with 160 of his greatest movie quotes! Older generations may have had Brando, Cagney, Peck. But we had Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I’m pretty okay with that.

We took 64 of the meanest and nastiest movie villains ever created and brought them together for a no holds-barred tournament, to find out who is the evilest villain of all times.  For rules and details about the selection process click here.

ROUND 1: Northeast Region

ROUND 1: Northwest Region

ROUND 1: Southeast Region

ROUND 1: Southwest Region

ROUND 2: East Region

ROUND 2: West Region

SWEET 16: East Region

SWEET 16: West Region

ELITE 8

FINAL FOUR: East Region

FINAL FOUR: West Region

Click image to see an enlarged bracket.

It’s the ultimate showdown between two guys you’d never want to see in a dark alley.  The Joker climbed his way through some pretty stiff competition in Chucky and Freddy Krueger, two men who could’ve easily won any other bracket.  Meanwhile the Terminator buzz-sawed his way through much weaker Cinderella’s in Gordon Gekko and the Creeper, but none of that matters now.  It’s one on one.  Let’s get it on!

VS.

(1) Joker – The Dark Knight

(2) Terminator – Terminator

Battle: This is definitely an odd couple matchup.  We’re comparing Apples to Oranges, and that’s what so cool.  The Joker is evil for evil’s sake while the Terminator is evil with a purpose.  The Joker seems to take the time to scheme and plan while the terminator is literally a killing machine.

Neither of them has a soul.

The Terminators use our own technology against us and hunt down human beings much like how exterminators spray coach roaches.  Only imagine the exterminator tearing down the walls to gas their nests and staying up all night to guarding their traps.  That’s what the Terminators do to the human race.

The Joker could blow up a school bus full of children just as easily as he could shoot a full grown man.  Nobody is innocent or immune to his wrath.  He wakes up every morning thinking about how to rain chaos on the city of Gotham and then goes to sleep at night without losing a wink of sleep.  The caveat though is this: the Terminator does all that, only he doesn’t need to sleep.

Click image to see an enlarged bracket.

The Most Evil Movie Villain of All Times:

(2) Terminator – The Terminator

If I were walking down the street, this is the guy I would hate to see ahead of me.  You may be smarter than Leatherface, stronger than Catherine Tramell and quicker than Jason Voorhees, but you just know that if you see the Terminator coming your way, you’re about as good as dead.  There is no begging, no bargaining, no fighting and no running.  If the Terminator wants you dead and you have anything short of a bazooka, you’re dead.  And truth be told, that will only delay the inevitable.

The Terminators only mission is to destroy life.  Period.  He doesn’t need humans to amuse him.  He doesn’t even need the earth to sustain him.  He doesn’t want revenge, he doesn’t want to feel better, he doesn’t want to be soothed.  He has no other motive than destruction.  That’s pure evil.  That’s the most evil movie villain ever imagined.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Disney has made some great movies over the years, and most of them have been geared towards a younger audience. That’s why it is kind of surprising to look back on some of these movies and see how messed up some of the villains actually were. It is a wonder that children don’t soil their pants in fear every time they watch these movies. Disney has some straight up evil characters, and these are the 7 most terrifying of them.

Scar was one bad lion. We won’t get into how he is the only black lion, we can leave it at the Disney has a proud tradition of a little racism, and his color isn’t what made him scary. It is the fact that he killed his own brother in cold blood, and then told his nephew, Simba, that it was his fault that his father died. He assumed Simba would die when the guilt caused him to run off alone. That’s some pretty messed up behavior right there. The only thing is Scar probably would have been scarier if he had normal lion behavior. He still would have killed his brother, he would have killed Simba, and to add insult to injury he would have banged Simba’s mom and Nala since he led the pride. Now that’s terrifying.

This was a guy who used religion to mask his bigotry. He hated gypsies more than a fat kids hate strenuous activities. In fact, the movie starts out with him killing a gypsy by pushing her down some stairs. Not only was the gypsy trying to reach sanctuary inside the Notre Dame Cathedral, but she was carrying a baby. Frollo’s immediate reaction was not to save the baby, but to drown it. Luckily he was stopped by the Archdeacon who tells him to raise the baby or go to hell. Put like that, it was an easy choice for Frollo. That baby grew up to be the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Quasimodo. Frollo spent his time keeping Quasimodo locked in the Notre Dame Cathedral his entire life. Things begin got even worse when Frollo developed a rage boner for the sexy gypsy Esmeralda. Things went downhill from there, and he ended up trying to kill Quasimodo, and telling him to his face that he killed his mother and should have killed him. I think it is a safe bet Frollo didn’t make it up to heaven when he died.

Cruella de Vil is one of the most iconic Disney villains in history. Her exaggerated mannerisms are memorable, and she tried to kill a whole bunch of puppies to make herself a fur coat. Yeah, people really remember attempted puppy murderers. What makes Cruella so terrifying is the fact that she WANTS TO KILL PUPPIES. Seriously, who doesn’t love puppies? They are little furry balls of pure adorable. What kind of life has Cruella led to become desensitized to their wide pleading eyes? Just thinking about what is going on in her warped mind sends shivers down the spine. I blame her parents. Seriously, who names their kid Cruella? That’s just asking for trouble down the line.

Maleficent started off Sleeping Beauty with the ultimate buzzkill. While everyone is celebrating the birth of Princess Aurora and giving her presents such as beauty and song, Maleficent shows up and bestows the baby with the gift of dying before her 16th birthday. Even one of those singing fish wall plaques would have been a better gift than that. Luckily the last fairy makes it so Princess Aurora just goes into a coma. Maleficent doesn’t enjoy the fact that her gift was not appreciated, so she turns herself into a monstrous dragon to try and stop the prince who plans on saving Princess Aurora. She is a terrifying dragon. There is no other way to put it. Giant black dragons breathing green flames just give me the willies. While other Disney villains at least cracked occasional jokes or had bumbling henchmen, Maleficent was just about getting the job done. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s cold, business-like demeanor in Terminator was based off of Maleficent.

The Horned King was not a character to be trifled with. The Black Cauldron was a movie with knights and such, so you would expect the Horned King to be some large warrior or something along those lines. It was quite a shocker then when he appeared to be some sort of zombie sorcerer. He wasn’t just trying to take over the lands, but to raise an entire army of undead monstrosities. This was basically a medieval version of 28 Days Later with some magic added in for good measure. The Horned King damn near reached his goal too. He had all the tools he needed to raise the army of zombies, he just ended up being consumed and destroyed by the power. It’s hard not to be terrified of a villain who was killed off by a lucky break.

Shan Yu is bad ass enough to make Genghis Khan look like an equally bad ass Hun ruler. Shan Yu was a beast, he survived an avalanche that took out most of his men and merely shook it off. That’s right, being caught in an avalanche was only a minor setback for this man. He also managed to deduce the location of the Chinese army and ambush them all because of clues given off by a single doll. That meant he had superhuman senses and was also a master tactician. He could also cut trees in half with his sword. Perhaps most terrifying of all was his pet falcon, who could fly around and locate enemies and deliver scouting reports. This basically adds up to an unstoppable man who could find you no matter where you hid and would never stop hunting you down. Basically Shan You can be summed up by his interaction with 2 of his Chinese prisoners. He tells them to go back and warn China that the Huns were coming. As the prisoners run off, Shan Yu asks one his soldiers how many prisoners it takes to deliver a message. The answer is of course one, so one of the prisoners is shot down while they run away. Ruthless is the only description for that scene.

Ursula was a magical fat octopus lady. If you aren’t terrified already then there is something wrong with you. Maybe she was scary because of her creepy ass eel henchmen. They were not nearly as adorable as Ariel’s aquatic friends. Maybe it was her scratchy voice that made her terrifying to small children. Maybe it is because everything bigger than a minnow in the ocean is automatically one of the scariest things ever. Oh wait, no, it wasn’t any of those things. While they did add in to the creepiness factor of Ursula, it was the end of the movie that solidified her into the most terrifying Disney villain ever. She grows to monstrous proportions and basically becomes half Rosie O’Donnell and half kraken with a smoking problem. She literally begins to tear boats apart with her tentacles, and the crashing waves and stormy skies just make her seem even more terrifying. Just imagine being hopped up on children’s Tylenol and watching this. Ursula even has one of the most violent deaths of all the Disney Villains. It took her being impaled on a ship’s mast for that leviathon to return under the sea.

We took 64 of the meanest and nastiest movie villains ever created and brought them together for a no holds-barred tournament, to find out who is the evilest villain of all times.  For rules and details about the selection process click here.

ROUND 1: Northeast Region

ROUND 1: Northwest Region

ROUND 1: Southeast Region

ROUND 1: Southwest Region

ROUND 2: East Region

ROUND 2: West Region

SWEET 16: East Region

SWEET 16: West Region

ELITE 8

Click Image to see an enlarged bracket.

Enough talking, evil is always talking.  Well this is the final four.  These evil guys know when to show and prove.

VS.

(2) Terminator – Terminator

(3) Damien thorn – The Omen

Battle: Damien has always been the golden child of this competition because of his lineage, but in the final four it’s going to take a lot more than daddy’s help to propel him to the championship round.  Yes Damien tried to destroy the world, but he really only did it for daddy.  Because it was his destiny.  Not because he really, really wanted to.  He also spent a lot of time pretending to be one of the good guys.

The Terminator on the only hand did not need to pretend.  Sure he tried to blend in to protect himself, but he never had to manipulate anyone by being nice to them.  He never missed the chance to kill someone and extinguish the human race.

Really what it comes down to is that Damien was still human.  He still felt something for someone.  And it was those feelings that led to his downfall.  True evil feels no compassion and no connection to anything.

Winner: Terminator

Click image to see an enlarged bracket.

NEXT UP, TERMINATOR’S OPPONENT!—->

We took 64 of the meanest and nastiest movie villains ever created and brought them together for a no holds-barred tournament, to find out who is the evilest villain of all times.  For rules and details about the selection process click here.

ROUND 1: Northeast Region

ROUND 1: Northwest Region

ROUND 1: Southeast Region

ROUND 1: Southwest Region

ROUND 2: East Region

ROUND 2: West Region

Click here to see an enlarged bracket.

Max Cady proved to a little more psycho then the Psycho Norman Bates, but everything else in round 2 west region went pretty much as planned.  So we are do for a shake up here in the sweet 16?  Let’s get right to it.

VS.

(2) Terminator – Terminator

(14) The Creeper – Jeepers Creepers

Battle: Neither one seems easily stoppable.  If you cut up the Creeper, he’ll just eat someone’s limbs and then his will grow back.  If you blow up the terminator, his pieces will keep coming after you.  However, the creeper seems to only take what he needs.  If the terminator had the opportunity to take Mac and his sister, he would’ve and kidnapped her and used her for experiments.  Or worse.

Winner: Terminator

VS.

(9) Castor Troy -Face/Off

(12) Bullseye – Daredevil

Battle: Once again Bullseye faces off against a man who would’ve employed him.  But while Bullseye killed for assignments and occasionally just because he can, Castor Troy killed just to watch the panic and terror.  Castor Troy was a bon-a-fide terrorist, and what’s more evil than that?

Winner: Castor Troy

VS.

(1) Hannibal – Silence of the Lambs

(12) Gordon Gekko – Wall Street

Battle: “The Destroyer” Gordon Gekko vs. Hannibal “the Stomach” Lecter.  I know that greed is evil.  I know that wall street is evil.  And I know that Gordon is the face of both evils.  Gordon Gekko and the current economic climate (not to mention that I just finished watching Capitalism: A love-story) all make it incredibly hard not to pass Gordon Gekko into the next round.  I mean you have to have absolutely no conscious to do some of the things he did and not bat an eye.  Then again, Hannibal, well…he cooked a guys brains and fed it to him.  That’s some crazy sh–.  But at the end of the day, Hannibal was somewhat controlled.  He could even bring himself to be “helpful” to the police if it suited his motives.  Help the police?  That’s not evil.  Hannibal was never even the man bad guy in his own movies.  Lame.  If you can’t even be the worst villain in your own movie then I don’t know what you are.

Winner: Gordon Gekko

VS.

(3) Damien – The Omen

(10) the White Witch – Chronicles of Narnia

Battle:  Hmm…what if Damien came to Narnia?  Could he take over Narnia?  Could he out-evil the witch?  I know the White Witch did a lot of cold things things, but here’s the thing: not to be racist or nationalist or species-ist…whatever, but the White Witch didn’t really terrorize humans.  She didn’t even really terrorize earth.  At least not our realm.  That’s going to hurt her in this competition.  I don’t really care what happens to talking beavers (don’t giggle).  Damien on the other did his best to destroy humans and earth.  Or send us all to hell.  And he almost succeeded.  It took Jesus Christ to bring him down.  Jesus Christ.  Are you kidding me?  When Jesus has to come back to stop you, that’s f—in’ evil (sorry Lord).

Winner:  Damien

Click to see an enlarged bracket.

NEXT UP, SWEET 16: WEST REGION!—->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

We took 64 of the meanest and nastiest movie villains ever created and brought them together for a no holds-barred tournament, to find out who is the evilest villain of all times.  For rules and details about the selection process click here.

This is the bracket:

Click image to see an enlarged bracket.

We begin with the Northeast Region:

VS.

(2) The Terminator – Terminator: Murdered a bar full of innocent bystander just to kill Sarah Connor.

(15) Keyser Soze – The Usual Suspects: killed his own family just so they couldn’t be used against him.

Winner: This would have been a slam dunk for Soze, but seeing as how no one really knows whether or not Keyser Soze actually did kill his family or anyone else for that matter.  Advantage goes to the 2 ton robot who splattered people without blinking.  Granted he doesn’t need to blink, but still…Terminator wins.

VS.

(1) Hannibal Lecter – Silence of the Lamb: Killed a man and then wore his face to escape capture.

(16) The Fisherman – I Know What You Did Last Summer: Stuck a hook through the jaw of a dock boy.

Winner: The Fisherman may kill his victims and stick them in the freezer, but he never came back and ate them.  Hannibal did.  That’s sick, literally.  Hannibal wins.

VS.

(3) Jack Torrence – the Shining: Put an axe through the chest of a cook on his way to hunting down his wife and son.

(14) Lori Quaid – Total Recall The Creeper - Jeepers Creepers (at the 11th hour there was a power outage at the recall facility so Lori couldn’t make it to the tournament.  The Creeper is her replacement — Hey, I said there’d be surprises.): He has an entire cave canvased with the bodies of young road trippers he’s murdered over the decades.

Winner: I’m sorry, but Jack Torrence killed one person.  One.  With an axe.  Where’s the creativity?  Truth be told the house was the true villain in the Shining.  The Creeper on the other hand shove a shotgun through an elderly ladies chest.  The Creeper pulls off the upset.

VS.

(7) Vincent – Collateral: Forced a man he was going to kill to help him kill others.

(10) Annie Wilkes – Misery: Forced the object of her desires to stay with her by breaking his ankles with a sledge hammer.

Winner: Vincent was a detached assassin, but he wasn’t really evil, just indifferent.  Annie Wilkes — though not in her mind — was evil.  Who’d want to be strapped down to a bed by Kathy Bates?  Annie Wilkes wins.

VS.

(8) Blofeld - the James Bond series: He was a global terrorist before it was cool.

(9) Bill the Butcher – Gangs of New York: Thought American immigrants should be squished like cockroaches.

Winner: It’s simple.  Blofeld planned a lot of evil sh–.  Bill the Butcher did a lot of evil sh–.  Case closed.  Bill the Butcher wins.

VS.

(5) Pennywise – It: An evil clown that kidnapped and murdered children for laughs.

(12)Gordon Gekko – Wall Street: An evil stockbroker who destroyed thousands of families financially.

Winner: I understand Gordon Gekko never killed anybody, but as we all know now that “greed” can torture a victim just as painfully as any knife.  Pennywise stalked tons of children…but took a 30 year break.  Gordon Gekko never takes a vacation.  Gekko wins.

VS.

(4) Michael Myers – Halloween: One of the most gruesome psycho-killers of the 80′s

(13) Lord Voldemort – Harry Potter: Murdered Harry’s parents.

Winner: I thought this would be a battle, but when you think about it…Lord Voldemort didn’t really kill many “people” and spent his entire life failing to kill a boy.  Michael Myers could teach this guy a thing or two about murdering family.  Myers wins.

VS.

(6) Mr. Blonde – Reserior Dogs: Sliced off a man’s ear while dancing to “Stuck in the Middle With You.”

(11) Pinhead – Hellraiser: Known for shackling his victims in chains and then pulling them apart.

Winner:  Whoa.  Toughest battle yet.  Mr. Blonde is about as demonic as a human can get, but Pinhead was about as demonic as a demon could get.  So here’s the kicker: you could bargain with Pinhead.  You couldn’t bargain with Mr. Blonde.  Mr. Blonde wins.

Results:

Click image to see an enlarged bracket.

NORTHWEST REGION —->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter