Humor District

Look, no one ever thought the President of the United State would be cast as a black man, but it happened.  I mean thinking about how great movies were updated with black actors, and how great characters were upgraded to black characters, maybe it’s time to open the door for a lot of other taboo characters.    These are the five that I’d vote for.

5) Robin Hood

Why it’s time: It’s not like people would have a hard time believing that black people steal.  Hey, I’m just being honest.  I know that black people may not have been around during medieval times (what, do I look like a Historian to you?), but still, can we at least get a variation of Robin Hood?  Maybe an modern version?  This story has to resonate in the hood.  It has to.  Hood is his name for crying out loud!

4) Wonder Woman

Why it’s time: She came from the amazon.  A South American country.  Why is Wonder Woman white in the first place?  There were slaves sent to South America, maybe one of them married an amazon, or was forced to serve an amazon sexually…I don’t know how that whole thing thing works.  But the point is it’s toally believable for Wonder Woman to be black, more-so than for her to be Caucasian.  I’m just saying.

3) Terminator

Why it’s time: He’s a freaking robot from the future.  I know there are black people in the future.  Are we not good enough to have a Terminator molded after us?  Sam Worthington had a Terminator modeled after him.  Who the hell is he?  I know they are doing more Terminator movies.  They better do them right.  By definitions robots are made from interchangeable parts, so no one has to get mad that it’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger.

2) James Bond

Why it’s time: It’s not like there is a certain image that comes to mind when you think James Bond.  Everybody and their mother has been cast as James Bond.  None of them look a like.  Clearly there is a broad standard in the casting.  Why can’t he be black?  African-Americans live in England…but then I guess they’d be African-Englanders…whatever…you know what I mean.  Anyway, maybe James Bond was always black and the slick haired Caucasian look was just a disguise.  Maybe he was light skin.  I don’t care.  Sell it.

1) Tarzan

Why it’s time: Look, Tarzan is a muscle-bound, incredibly athletic and uncivilized dude swinging through the jungle on vines with the IQ of a grapefruit and has dark skin and woolly hair…

…

Black people can’t have this one?  That’s exactly what black people are notoriously accused of being!  If I read that description at a Klan meeting or even a Congressional hearing they’d accuse this suspect of being a black man.  And Tarzan spends all his time chasing a white woman…are you hearing me?

P.S. – the art/photos were gathered via the internet from some pretty imaginative people who apparently have an Obama obsession.  Nice work though.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 4% [?]

It is a wide spread belief that movie sequels are never as good as the originals. Usually the sequel is only made because of the popularity of the original movie, which guarantees the following movie will rake in big bucks at the box office. Fortunately there are sequels out there that have proven this way of thinking wrong. These sequels are not only as good as the original movies, but a step above, ensuring a third movie will continue to earn our money. These are 5 sequels that have beaten the odds and surpassed the originals.

The first Spider-Man was surprisingly successful and well done, even if Kirsten Dunst was about the worst Mary Jane possible. Tobey Maguire was believable as the titular wall crawler, and it was an overall enjoyable movie. Then the sequel came, and what a sequel it was. The Green Goblin was replaced with the tormented Dr. Otto Octavius, AKA Dr. Octopus, who puts on a great performance. In the sequel Peter Parker struggles to accept the fact that his powers as Spider-Man put a tremendous burden on him and those around him. That’s pretty deep for a comic book movie, which made Spider-Man 2 vastly superior to the original.

The first Back to the Future movie was entertaining. The sequel built upon the comedy in the original, but also added in some murder and a set of guidelines for time travel. It was quite obvious that this sequel was not rushed out just to make some money, as the stories between all three of the Back to the Future movies intertwine beautifully. When the second installment ended in a cliffhanger, everyone knew that they had to see the third.

Terminator was a great movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger was terrifying as a single minded killing machine. Then the sequel came and flipped things upside down. Arnold was once again a killing machine, but this time he was on our side. That should mean instant victory, but a new Terminator was created that was practically indestructible. Terminator 2 played out this conflict perfectly, and also had some great special effects. James Cameron truly was a master of the sci-fi action movie back in the day.

The first Star Wars was good, but the second installment in the series is when all the back stories really started to get fleshed out. Not only do we get to meet Lando Calrissian, the only black man in the galaxy, but we see Han Solo frozen in carbonite and Darth Vader’s relationship to Luke and Leia is revealed. He’s their dad. I’d have said spoiler alert, but everyone already knows that. Look into your heart, you know this to be true. This is the movie that proved space operas are the best movie genre ever.

Once again we have a comic book movie sequel that was better than the already good sequel. Batman Begins was a great reboot for the series, and got to the dark and gritty soul of Batman before it became cliche. Then The Dark Knight showed up and blew us away. Let’s be honest, Heath Ledger’s performance as the Joker is what made this movie. That was one of the best performances ever. The movie itself, with Batman’s internal struggle to do what’s best for his city, and the rise and fall of Harvey Dent, was amazingly written and acted. The third film in the franchise will have a hard time stacking up to this.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Ricky Gervais hosting the 2010 Globes wasn’t the only thing to light up the evening. Arnold Schwarzenegger mistakenly yet awesomely mispronounced Avatar as “Abadah”.

Take a listen, clearly “Abadah”!

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Expendables

Plot Outline: A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator.

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Cast and Crew: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Brittany Murphy, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Ivan Drago Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin and Randy Couture are a team of mercenaries headed to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. Christ how badass is that? Watching the trailer though it’s seams to be a Stallone Statham show though with a little Li and Rouke thrown in for good measure. The cameos will sure make up for a great film. Quite possibly the film I’m looking forward to the most but at the same time I know I’ll be let down somewhere.

The Last Airbender

Plot outline: Based on the animated series Avatar: The Last Airbender, the story takes place in a world divided into the Fire, Water, Earth, and Air Nations. A young “airbender” named Aang must stop the Fire Nation from taking over.

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Cast: Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Cliff Curtis, Jackson Rathbone, Shaun Toub, Aasif Mandvi

It can be a really cool movie, or an epic failure to end all epic failures. M. Night shyamalan eventually bought out its patented thrillers, which is nice since The Happening and Lady in the Water sucked. But he is the kind of big-budget fantasy? Some people have heard of the source material, which mean box office is pretty weak, unless the ad campaign Wows a bunch of people. But it’s cool to see Slumdog Millionaire Dev Patel’s trying to choose a name for himself over the Best Picture winner last year.

A Couple of Dicks

Plot outline: A comedy about two cops who try to locate a stolen baseball card and rescue a kidnapped woman.

Director: Kevin Smith

Cast: Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Seann William Scott, Adam Brody, Kevin Pollak

So this is a cop movie starring a white guy and black guy generic right? Ah, the script is good, enough to attract the director Kevin Smith – who’s never directed a film he hasn’t written. Everyone agrees that the project take adequate wage agreements, to maintain the film’s R-class. This is another possible hangover-style project – but with Bruce Willis on the project you can’t go wrong.

Alice in Wonderland

Plot outline: Tim Burton and Johnny Depp (as the Mad Hatter) take on Lewis Carroll’s classic.

Director: Tim Burton

Cast: Johnny Depp, Mia Wasikowska, Michael Sheen, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, Crispin Glover, Christopher Lee

Who better to take on Carroll’s cracked-out, drug-influenced Alice in Wonderland than Burton and Depp? Plus, the six of you who saw the first season of HBO’s In Treatment already know that Mia Wasikowska will give a terrific, star-making performance as Alice. The only red flag? An odd March release date. We thought the combination of Depp and a big budget made for an automatic summer debut.

Arrested Development

Plot: No plot released

Director: Mitchell Hurwitz

Cast and Crew: Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, David Cross, Portia de Rossi, Jeffrey Tambor, Will Arnett
Hands-down the most anticipated movie of 2010, Arrested Development fans have been pining for a big-screen adaptation ever since this ingenious show was kicked off the air (yes, by someone retarded). And after tamping down a slew of rumors about its future, the producers have made it over some hurdles necessary for moving forward, like signing Michael Cera on to the production. But until we start seeing official trailers, we’re just going to assume this one isn’t even coming out, just to stave off the disappointment.

No trailer yet, but I leave you with the famous Chicken Dance montage

[Source: Coed Magazine]

Popularity: 2% [?]