Humor District

Personally, I think the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise has been sliding since The Curse of the Black Pearl. One of the few things I found really enjoyable about the third installment was the casting choice of Keith Richards as Johnny Depp/Captain Jack Sparrow’s father. It takes a certain kind of man to spawn such an eccentric character as Captain Jack Sparrow, and Keith Richards is exactly that kind of man. For those of you who are unaware, Keith Richards is a legendary guitarist for The Rolling Stones. He is also quite legendary for his drug use, ranging from marijuana to heroin. This drug use probably got him the role as Captain Jack Sparrow’s father. He certainly looks like a dirty ass pirate who has never seen a decent meal in his life. The probable brain damage his drug use has caused also helps when portraying the father of a character as crazy as Sparrow. All in all, he was the perfect choice.

Now there are rumors that Disney is doing an about face and giving old Keith Richards the boot. It seems that the execs don’t want a known drug user to be involved with two of their family oriented movies, one is their limit. If they let him into the next movie they would obviously be sending the wrong message. Drudge Report says that this has to do with the release of Keith Richards’ new book, in which he explains how to do drugs safely. Disney does not want a book about doing drugs to be in any way connected to their movie, so they consider doing the thing that will bring the most attention on themselves and Keith Richards by abruptly cutting ties with him.

What really makes this interesting is the recent backlash about the cutting of Mel Gibson from The Hangover 2. Apparently there was some sort of cast uprising against Mel Gibson having a cameo in the movie because Mel sometimes has issues, loud drunken issues, with people of Jewish faith, women, and African Americans. On the other hand, they were fine with Mike Tyson, a convicted rapist, having a cameo. People called them hypocrites and looked past the fact that Mike Tyson has a very funny voice. How will people respond to Disney giving Keith Richards the boot after he has already been in a previous installment for the franchise? Will they rise up in anger? Lounge around in apathy? Nothing has been announced for sure about whether Richards will stay on the cast or not, but I will be curious to see what Disney does after word of this spreads.

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Disney has produced many classic movies. If you had a childhood, you probably remember movies like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and Pirates of the Caribbean. With the number of movies that Disney has put out it would be unrealistic to expect all of them to be classics. Some Disney movies have been forgettable to say the least.While this doesn’t make us think any less of Disney, it does prove that even this gigantic corporation can make mistakes. I know, it’s hard to believe. Without further ado, let’s check out the Disney movies that your children will hopefully never have to see.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Disney’s latest movie, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, can best be described as a box office flop. With the always eccentric Nicolas Cage in the movie, along with the entertaining Jay Baruchel, it is surprising that this movie wasn’t more entertaining. Unfortunately Disney thought they could get away with slacking on the story since Nicolas Cage and Jay Baruchel were in the movie, but audiences weren’t buying it. It must be said that The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is a visually appealing movie, but the lackluster dialogue and plot leaves much to be desired.

Snow Dogs

Snow Dogs marked the downfall of Cuba Gooding Jr.’s career. Before he had been in some great movies, which is why it was so surprising to see him in a movie that was so obviously terrible. The story basically has Cuba inheriting a pack of sled dogs, but being a dentist and having no idea how to control them. I guess if you liked the joke of Cuba Gooding Jr. falling over in the snow repeatedly and having his dogs laugh at him then you’d enjoy Snow Dogs. Unfortunately even six year olds get tired of that joke when it is repeated fifty times.

Home on the Range

Disney should learn to not put Cuba Gooding Jr. in their movies. Snow Dogs was atrocious, but Home on the Range was even worse. Cuba Gooding Jr. lent his voice talents to one of the main characters, a cow. This cow wants to save the ranch by kidnapping a cattle rustler. Remember kids, if you have a problem you need solved all you have to do is kidnap the right person. Home on the Range received a huge amount of marketing before it came out, but when it was released it became clear that all the creativity was used on the marketing campaign rather than in the movie. It says a lot that this movie was hyped so much, but most people don’t even remember it.

Treasure Planet

Treasure Planet had so much potential to be a great movie, which made the end result all the more disappointing. Visually, this movie was stunning. Disney pulled out all the stops with the animation. Unfortunately they didn’t do the same with the story, a new take on the classic Treasure Island. The Treasure Island plot was loosely followed in Treasure Planet, Disney just decided that it would be improved upon by taking out all the clever dialogue, plot nuances, and character development. It can now be said that Disney was wrong on this account.

Inspector Gadget

Inspector Gadget was literally painful to watch. Disney took a character who was already loved by children around the world and proceeded to butcher him on screen. They even showed the sinister Claw on screen! Claw was always the man in the shadows, how could they just reveal him like that? Much like Snow Dogs, Inspector Gadget relied far too much on visual gags rather than an actual coherent story. To make matters worse, Michelle Trachtenberg wasn’t hot yet in this movie, taking away the only advantage Inspector Gadget might have had.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Disney has decided live action remakes are the way to go, and could possibly be bringing in Tim Burton again. Disney is currently working on a live action version of Sleeping Beauty entitled Maleficent. This movie would presumably focus more on the witch Maleficent, and could be darker than the original cartoon version. That would not be surprising at all if Tim Burton actually is involved in this movie, and this could turn out to be a pretty scary movie considering Maleficent is one of the 7 most terrifying Disney villains.

If we are to assume Maleficent will play a major role in the movie named after her, and I would be willing to take that bet, than choosing an actress for her will be an important step. Right now Angelina Jolie is rumored to be interested in the titular role, which could be an interesting casting choice. Jolie has proven herself to be an A-list actress and has had some experience with witches after playing Grendel’s mother, the sea hag, in Beowolf. Of course Beowolf was an animated movie and did not receive very good reviews, but nonetheless, Angelina Jolie could step into the role of Maleficent quite capably. If Tim Burton is actually involved with Maleficent, that might change things. I can see Angelina Jolie playing an evil witch, but I can’t really see her playing one of Tim Burton’s evil witches. Burton has a unique style about his movies, and I don’t see Angelina Jolie fitting that style very well. Maybe we will see Helena Bonham Carter again if Tim Burton takes over. Of course these are all rumors for the moment, but it will be interesting to see where Disney takes this movie and what other live action remakes we will see in the future.

[via LATimes]

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Disney has made some great movies over the years, and most of them have been geared towards a younger audience. That’s why it is kind of surprising to look back on some of these movies and see how messed up some of the villains actually were. It is a wonder that children don’t soil their pants in fear every time they watch these movies. Disney has some straight up evil characters, and these are the 7 most terrifying of them.

Scar was one bad lion. We won’t get into how he is the only black lion, we can leave it at the Disney has a proud tradition of a little racism, and his color isn’t what made him scary. It is the fact that he killed his own brother in cold blood, and then told his nephew, Simba, that it was his fault that his father died. He assumed Simba would die when the guilt caused him to run off alone. That’s some pretty messed up behavior right there. The only thing is Scar probably would have been scarier if he had normal lion behavior. He still would have killed his brother, he would have killed Simba, and to add insult to injury he would have banged Simba’s mom and Nala since he led the pride. Now that’s terrifying.

This was a guy who used religion to mask his bigotry. He hated gypsies more than a fat kids hate strenuous activities. In fact, the movie starts out with him killing a gypsy by pushing her down some stairs. Not only was the gypsy trying to reach sanctuary inside the Notre Dame Cathedral, but she was carrying a baby. Frollo’s immediate reaction was not to save the baby, but to drown it. Luckily he was stopped by the Archdeacon who tells him to raise the baby or go to hell. Put like that, it was an easy choice for Frollo. That baby grew up to be the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Quasimodo. Frollo spent his time keeping Quasimodo locked in the Notre Dame Cathedral his entire life. Things begin got even worse when Frollo developed a rage boner for the sexy gypsy Esmeralda. Things went downhill from there, and he ended up trying to kill Quasimodo, and telling him to his face that he killed his mother and should have killed him. I think it is a safe bet Frollo didn’t make it up to heaven when he died.

Cruella de Vil is one of the most iconic Disney villains in history. Her exaggerated mannerisms are memorable, and she tried to kill a whole bunch of puppies to make herself a fur coat. Yeah, people really remember attempted puppy murderers. What makes Cruella so terrifying is the fact that she WANTS TO KILL PUPPIES. Seriously, who doesn’t love puppies? They are little furry balls of pure adorable. What kind of life has Cruella led to become desensitized to their wide pleading eyes? Just thinking about what is going on in her warped mind sends shivers down the spine. I blame her parents. Seriously, who names their kid Cruella? That’s just asking for trouble down the line.

Maleficent started off Sleeping Beauty with the ultimate buzzkill. While everyone is celebrating the birth of Princess Aurora and giving her presents such as beauty and song, Maleficent shows up and bestows the baby with the gift of dying before her 16th birthday. Even one of those singing fish wall plaques would have been a better gift than that. Luckily the last fairy makes it so Princess Aurora just goes into a coma. Maleficent doesn’t enjoy the fact that her gift was not appreciated, so she turns herself into a monstrous dragon to try and stop the prince who plans on saving Princess Aurora. She is a terrifying dragon. There is no other way to put it. Giant black dragons breathing green flames just give me the willies. While other Disney villains at least cracked occasional jokes or had bumbling henchmen, Maleficent was just about getting the job done. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s cold, business-like demeanor in Terminator was based off of Maleficent.

The Horned King was not a character to be trifled with. The Black Cauldron was a movie with knights and such, so you would expect the Horned King to be some large warrior or something along those lines. It was quite a shocker then when he appeared to be some sort of zombie sorcerer. He wasn’t just trying to take over the lands, but to raise an entire army of undead monstrosities. This was basically a medieval version of 28 Days Later with some magic added in for good measure. The Horned King damn near reached his goal too. He had all the tools he needed to raise the army of zombies, he just ended up being consumed and destroyed by the power. It’s hard not to be terrified of a villain who was killed off by a lucky break.

Shan Yu is bad ass enough to make Genghis Khan look like an equally bad ass Hun ruler. Shan Yu was a beast, he survived an avalanche that took out most of his men and merely shook it off. That’s right, being caught in an avalanche was only a minor setback for this man. He also managed to deduce the location of the Chinese army and ambush them all because of clues given off by a single doll. That meant he had superhuman senses and was also a master tactician. He could also cut trees in half with his sword. Perhaps most terrifying of all was his pet falcon, who could fly around and locate enemies and deliver scouting reports. This basically adds up to an unstoppable man who could find you no matter where you hid and would never stop hunting you down. Basically Shan You can be summed up by his interaction with 2 of his Chinese prisoners. He tells them to go back and warn China that the Huns were coming. As the prisoners run off, Shan Yu asks one his soldiers how many prisoners it takes to deliver a message. The answer is of course one, so one of the prisoners is shot down while they run away. Ruthless is the only description for that scene.

Ursula was a magical fat octopus lady. If you aren’t terrified already then there is something wrong with you. Maybe she was scary because of her creepy ass eel henchmen. They were not nearly as adorable as Ariel’s aquatic friends. Maybe it was her scratchy voice that made her terrifying to small children. Maybe it is because everything bigger than a minnow in the ocean is automatically one of the scariest things ever. Oh wait, no, it wasn’t any of those things. While they did add in to the creepiness factor of Ursula, it was the end of the movie that solidified her into the most terrifying Disney villain ever. She grows to monstrous proportions and basically becomes half Rosie O’Donnell and half kraken with a smoking problem. She literally begins to tear boats apart with her tentacles, and the crashing waves and stormy skies just make her seem even more terrifying. Just imagine being hopped up on children’s Tylenol and watching this. Ursula even has one of the most violent deaths of all the Disney Villains. It took her being impaled on a ship’s mast for that leviathon to return under the sea.

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We took 64 of the meanest and nastiest movie villains ever created and brought them together for a no holds-barred tournament, to find out who is the evilest villain of all times.  For rules and details about the selection process click here.

ROUND 1: Northeast Region

Click image to see an enlarged bracket.

Only 8 matchups into the tournament and we already have surprises.  Not only did the Creeper (Jeepers Creepers) come out of nowhere and take down Jack Nicholson’s famous characters from the Shining, but we also had Gordon Gekko and the current economy redefine what it means to be evil.  What can we expect in the Northwest region?  Let’s find out.

VS.

(1) The Joker – the Dark Knight: Burned down a warehouse with Batman’s girl inside after making him believe he could save her.

(16) Bricktop – Snatch: ordered a house burned down with someone’s mother inside.

Winner: This is a blow out.  Joker by a mile.  Bricktop ordered a lot of stuff, but he did nothing.  He’s lucky to be invited to this dance.

VS.

(7) General Thade – Planet of the Apes: Enslaves the entire race of man.

(10) Ghostface – Scream: Stabbed dozens of horny teens to avenge his scorned mother.

Winner: The scream team (remember there were two) terrorized a small little town in the boonies.  General Thade enslaved and terrorized all of humankind, even killing his own apes if they stood in his way.  General Thade gets the nod.

VS.

(5) Jigsaw – Saw: Locked people into deadly traps and watched them torture themselves attempting to escape.

(12) Peyton Flanders – The Hand that Rocked the Cradle: Locked someone else’s baby in a room and breastfed him.

Winner:  This is a battle of the psychological villains.  Both were triggered by a tragic past, but Peyton Flanders has a slight edge because she tormented people and then did her own dirty work to keep it secret.  Jigsaw never killed his victims.  He was a coward.  Upset.  Peyton wins!

VS.

(8) Simon Pheonix – Demonlition Man: Notorious for his incredibly evil haircut.

(9) Headless Horeman – Sleepy Hollow: Notorious for his incredibly evil head cuts.

Winner: Interestingly enough both men were mentally controlled by a rich snob.  the difference is that Simon Pheonix couldn’t have been happier causing destruction and mayhem while the Headless Horseman just wanted to rest in the afterlife.  Advantage Simon Phoenix.

VS.

(4) Chucky – Child’s Play: A creepy old man, pretending to be a child so he can get inside a little boy’s body.

(13) Ivan Drago – Rocky IV: Beat Carl Weathers to death and said, “if he dies, he dies.”

Winner: Drago was a mean mutha f—–, but he didn’t intend to murder Rocky’s friend, he was just cold as ice when it happened.  Chucky is one evil son-of-a-b—-.  Next!  Chucky wins.

VS.

(3) Norman Bates – Psycho: Owns a motel in the middle of nowhere and murdered the woman who dared to stay the night.

(14) Alex Forrest – Fatal Attraction: She boiled a f— rabbit.  Alive.

Winner: Who’s the bigger psycho?  Well Norman Bates became his mother and killed multiple people while Alex Forrest…boiled a rabbit.  This isn’t a PETA contest.  Bates wins.  I mean the title of his movie is Psycho people.

VS.

(6) Tyler Durden – Fight Club: He set himself up to have his balls chopped off.

(11) Max Cady – Cape Fear: Bit the face off a woman he was raping.

Winner: What would Tyler Durden do in this competition?  Not a damn thing.  His rage was against the machine, not the people.  His terror wasn’t terror at all.  Max Cady bite the face off a lady he was raping.  That’s f—in’ evil.  Max Cady moves on.

VS.

(2) Dracula – Brom Stoker’s Dracula: Duh.  Murders his victims by draining their blood then curses them to become vampires.

(15) Maleficent – Sleeping Beauty: Cursed a baby to prick her finger and die.

Winner: It’s the battle of the supernaturally scary, but the question is who did the most evil?  On one hand Dracula has killed more people than he could count, but it was out of hunger and he seems capable of love and compassion.  Maleficent may not have killed anyone on record, but she only loves herself, everyone else is expendable.

…

I’m really torn.

…

Wow.

…

My gut says that Maleficent’s heart is blacker.  Holy smokes.  Maleficent wins.

Click image to see an enlarged bracket.

SOUTHEAST REGION AHEAD —->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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