Humor District

Have you ever tried to parallel park? It can be a little bit challenging. How about dodging obstacles while driving down narrow streets at high speeds as people chase behind you spraying machine gun fire? Yeah, that’s a bit harder than parallel parking. It is this difficulty level that makes high speed car chases so fun to watch in movies. Everyone and their grandmother is a professional driver who can make hairpin turns at 90 mph while returning fire on their chasers. Nothing gets the adrenaline going like the throaty roar of a car being pushed to its limits, and a good car chase can really bring a movie together. Here are some of the best.

Gone in 60 Seconds

Both the 2000 Nicholas Cage remake and the 1974 original are amazing movies with multiple great car chase scenes. The plot of the movies is a group of carjackers attempting to steal a large amount of cars, so yeah, that story lends itself to multiple car chases. The highlight of both movies is Eleanor, the 1967 Mustang GT500, or 1973 Mach 1 Mustang depending on which version you are watching. Both Mustangs lead the police on a wild chase, causing massive property destruction and multiple car pileups, all at the cost of poor Eleanor. Either one of these movies is sure to fill your desire for car chases and explosions.

Vanishing Point

If you love classic American muscle cars, you will go crazy for 1971′s Vanishing Point. The 1970 Dodge Challenger the main character, Kowalski, drives throughout the film is absolutely gorgeous. This movie is basically one giant car chase, as Kowalski is hired to deliver the Challenger from Denver, Colorado to San Francisco, California. While Kowalski actually has several days to make the delivery, he decides it would be a lot more fun to buy some speed and make the trip in a day. Of course this leads to an epic police chase and a destructive climax. Disclaimer, doing large amounts of speed and driving cross country is only cool in movies.

The Fast and the Furious

Oh, Vin Diesel. You were totally relevant back in 2001 when The Fast and the Furious came out. Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster also looked really good in it. The part of the movie actually pertinent to this article is how The Fast and the Furious made drag racing popular. The many drag racing scenes were pretty cool on their own, and then the drag races became souped up cars running down semi trucks as the truck drivers shot at them with shotguns. Oh you crazy truck drivers, always taking the law into your own hands. The car chase scenes were so good that people got confused and thought Paul Walker was actually a good actor.

Smokey and the Bandit

You know Smokey and the Bandit was a great movie because it propelled Burt Reynolds to the height of stardom. Burt Reynolds plays the character Bandit, whose job is to attract the attention of the smokeys, AKA police, so his friend can bootleg beer across state borders. This involves driving ridiculously fast in a black Pontiac Trans Am so all the police chase him. Burt Reynolds being Burt Reynolds means that he also manages to pick up a runaway bride on his way. If you ever wondered why black Trans Ams with the phoenix painted on the hood were so popular for a little while, it was because every man wants to be Burt Reynolds.

The French Connection

Unlike the other movies on this list, The French Connection isn’t centered around cars. It is actually more of a cop movie, following a drug smuggling operation from France to New York. This movie makes the list with one of the greatest chase scenes in history. There were accidental collisions that were left in the movie, tight cornering, and a woman almost gets run over. No explanation I can give would do this scene justice, so just watch it and be amazed.

Now compare this to what an actual car chase looks like. Yeah, movies make everything awesome.

Popularity: 8% [?]

A lot of men are intimidated by powerful women and others just find them b*tchy.  If you are the former, I can’t help you.  But if you are the ladder, then these are 5 powerful women sweet and feminine enough to make you still feel like a man.

5) Trinity – The Matrix

Why she’s datable: She’s firm but still oh-so soft.  Physically and emotionally.  She has a deep seeded, unshakable faith, yet she still goes with the flow.  She doesn’t try to force anything to happen.

Why she’s a keeper: She embraces the fact that you are the chosen one.  She doesn’t mind that you have responsibilities to the people.  In fact, she digs that about you.  And most importantly, she’s not jumping up in your face acting like she needs to be the chosen one too.  She is Michelle Obama cool.  And that makes you stronger.

4) Padme – Star Wars

Why she’s datable: Padme Amidala is cultured, but also kind and caring enough to not judge you because you aren’t.  She’d show you things that you never thought you’d see and open you up to new experiences.

Why she’s a keeper: In the words of Ne-Yo, “she’s got her own.”  She a busy and prominent senator, but she is still never too busy to spend a intimate night with her man.  She knows where her priorities are.  And that’s with you.

3) Elizabeth Swann – Pirates of the Carribbean

Why she’s datable: Can you say, lady by day, freak by night?  She’s definitely one of those girls with a controlling father who is just waiting to act out.  You should probably be there when she does.

Why she’s a keeper: She would literally go to the ends of the earth for you and despite all of the temptation she feels from Jack Sparrow, she’s always faithful and moral.  Oh, and she’s cool enough to let you go out and do your duty while she holds it down until you get back.

2) Letty – Fast & Furious

Why she’s datable: She hot, she loves cars, probably willing to watch a bit of sports with you before she gets bored and *ahem* tries to divert your attention.  I’m sure you could take her to a game or some other adrenaline pumping activity and she’d have a blast.

Why she’s a keeper: There are not too many women out there who have mastered the skill of leading a man and yet allowing him to lead.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you haven’t experienced/mastered it yet.  Letty is that strong.

1) Mrs. Smith – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Why she’s datable:  Technically she’s not, because she’s married.  But if you were that lucky Mr. Smith than you would have yourself one smoking hot pretend housewife.  And so what she’s pretending, at least she’s trying.  That’s all that really matters.

Why she’s a keeper: Even though everyone around her was screaming that her man was a bad guy and even after it looked like he tried to kill her (which was a misunderstanding we’ve all been through) she still couldn’t bring herself to kill him.  She knew deep down it was all a mistake.  She loved him.  That’s the kind of woman we’d all be lucky to have.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Popularity: 13% [?]

If you ever watched Grindhouse, you might recall the fake trailer by Robert Rodriguez, Machete. It was probably the best thing to come out of the double-feature. It hinted at a good story a Mexican day laborer is set up, double-crossed, and left for dead, then starts everyone’s worst nightmare. It carried with it gratuitous violence, a badass catchphrase “They just fucked with the wrong Mexican.”, Danny Trejo, & boobs. Remember? Sure you do.

Great news is Rodriguez made that movie, financed by himself, where he begged, borrowed and stole to do so. It has quite a powerhouse cast for an indie film though, Robert De Niro, Michelle Rodriguez (Lost), Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, and Danny Trejo. Fox Studios signed on recently and this movie is a definite ‘GO’.

Check out the original mock trailer below that lead to the production of the Mexican not to be fucked with, Machete after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 1% [?]