Humor District

It seems like the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is going to be one of those movie franchises that will be milked for every last cent the studio can get out of it, despite the fact the movies have gone downhill since the first one. The one constant that Disney is counting on is Johnny Depp being entertaining as hell as Captain Jack Sparrow. The upcoming movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, will be the first installment in the franchise without Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Swann or Orlando Bloom as Will Turner. I’m not too upset by the loss of Orlando Bloom, but losing Keira Knightley is a little upsetting. She was by far the most attractive member of the cast. Filling in for Orlando Bloom will be nobody, that way Keira Knightley’s replacement, the smoking hot Penelope Cruz, and Captain Jack Sparrow can have an onscreen romance unhampered by girly men. I think Keira Knightley and Penelope Cruz are both fine looking female leads, go ahead and tell me you wouldn’t be happy watching either one of them:

For those of you still interested in trivial details such as the plot of the movie, On Stranger Tides focuses on Captain Jack Sparrow’s hunt for the fountain of youth and facing off against the infamous pirate Blackbeard. I am assuming the he will succeed so Disney has an excuse to use him in movies from now until he becomes a marauding space pirate kidnapping Martian ladies. I am sure you would much rather watch the trailer than hear me describe it to you, so here it is. One thing is for sure, Johnny Depp is still great as Jack Sparrow.

Personally, I think the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise has been sliding since The Curse of the Black Pearl. One of the few things I found really enjoyable about the third installment was the casting choice of Keith Richards as Johnny Depp/Captain Jack Sparrow’s father. It takes a certain kind of man to spawn such an eccentric character as Captain Jack Sparrow, and Keith Richards is exactly that kind of man. For those of you who are unaware, Keith Richards is a legendary guitarist for The Rolling Stones. He is also quite legendary for his drug use, ranging from marijuana to heroin. This drug use probably got him the role as Captain Jack Sparrow’s father. He certainly looks like a dirty ass pirate who has never seen a decent meal in his life. The probable brain damage his drug use has caused also helps when portraying the father of a character as crazy as Sparrow. All in all, he was the perfect choice.

Now there are rumors that Disney is doing an about face and giving old Keith Richards the boot. It seems that the execs don’t want a known drug user to be involved with two of their family oriented movies, one is their limit. If they let him into the next movie they would obviously be sending the wrong message. Drudge Report says that this has to do with the release of Keith Richards’ new book, in which he explains how to do drugs safely. Disney does not want a book about doing drugs to be in any way connected to their movie, so they consider doing the thing that will bring the most attention on themselves and Keith Richards by abruptly cutting ties with him.

What really makes this interesting is the recent backlash about the cutting of Mel Gibson from The Hangover 2. Apparently there was some sort of cast uprising against Mel Gibson having a cameo in the movie because Mel sometimes has issues, loud drunken issues, with people of Jewish faith, women, and African Americans. On the other hand, they were fine with Mike Tyson, a convicted rapist, having a cameo. People called them hypocrites and looked past the fact that Mike Tyson has a very funny voice. How will people respond to Disney giving Keith Richards the boot after he has already been in a previous installment for the franchise? Will they rise up in anger? Lounge around in apathy? Nothing has been announced for sure about whether Richards will stay on the cast or not, but I will be curious to see what Disney does after word of this spreads.

What is the best thing about pirate movies? If you answered being able to make jokes about plundering booty then you are very juvenile. And also correct. Another great thing about pirate movies is that a little part inside of everyone wants to live a pirate’s life. The swashbuckling ways of the sea make for grand adventures, and there is no comedic relief quite like that of a goofy drunk pirate. When you throw finding buried treasure into the equation it becomes a no-brainer that a pirate’s life is the life for me. Just for the record, those Somalians aren’t real pirates. Only bona fide Pirates like Captain Jack Sparrow are included on this list.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Speaking of Captain Jack Sparrow, Johnny Depp reminded us how awesome being a pirate could be. While Captain Jack Sparrow was a big part of what made Pirates of the Caribbean amazing, it was also the great story. Once you mix in a haunted ship, a skeletal crew, and a flamboyant pirate captain, the resulting movie is sure to entertain all audiences. The fact that Keira Knightley wears a corset throughout a good portion of the movie just makes it that much better.

Peter Pan

Captain Hook is one of the most memorable pirates of all time. While most of us would prefer being one of the Lost Boys over Captain Hook, he was a very entertaining figure. His interactions with First Mate Mr. Smee are hilarious, but even funnier are Captain Hook’s reactions whenever the crocodile who ate his hand comes near. The tick-tocks of the alarm clock in the crocodile’s stomach are as terrifying to Captain Hook as the Jaws music is to the rest of us.

Treasure Island

Treasure Island is the original pirate story and features the infamous pirate Long John Silver. What made Treasure Island such an enjoyable movie was the fact that the main character was just a kid. It doesn’t get much more relatable than that. Young Jim Hawkins joins up with Long John Silver’s crew of swarthy pirates, and initially everything is hunky dory. Little Hawkins soon learns that being a pirate isn’t all eyepatches and peg legs, and has to deal with the ruthlessness of Long John Silver. This is true adventure on the high seas.

Captain Blood

Captain Blood is an awesome pirate movie for several reasons. First off, the movie is called Captain Blood. That is freaking awesome. Second, Captain Blood is played by Errol Flynn, more widely known as Robin Hood. This casting choice was perfect, as Captain Blood was essentially a pirate version of Robin Hood. Some folks don’t like their pirates to have morals, but it worked in this case Captain Blood remained a bad ass. Even though it was made in 1935, Captain Blood remains entertaining today.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

The return of Captain Jack Sparrow wasn’t as good as his debut, but it was still a very entertaining movie. Much of this was because Keira Knightley was just as hot as ever, and Johnny Depp was just as eccentric. I guess Orlando Bloom was pretty good too. The story just wasn’t as good as The Curse of the Black Pearl. Of course that can be said about 4 out of the 5 movies on this list. In case you had forgotten, haunted ship + zombie pirates + Keira Knightley cleavage = AWESOME. That is just simple math. Still, Dead Man’s Chest is quite a good movie in its own right.

We all know that Johnny Depp enjoys playing odd and somewhat eccentric characters in movies. He will be continuing along those lines when he voices the titular character in the animated movie Rango. Rango is basically set as a western with armadillos and lizards instead of ranchers and cowhands. Rango the chameleon has some sort of identity crisis as he decides he wants to be a hero and then realizes that means actually standing up to snakes and eagles. For those of you who don’t watch Animal Planet, snakes and eagles generally eat little lizards like Rango, so Rango will need to grow a John Wayne sized pair pretty fast.

Rango is still somewhat of a mystery, but from what we have seen so far it looks pretty good. The cast and crew bringing this movie together definitely give us reason to be hopeful. The voice talents include not only Johnny Depp, but Timothy Olyphant, Isla Fisher, and Alfred Molina. The director is Gore Verbinski, who also directed the first three Pirates of the Caribbean movies, so we can expect some quality. Check out the trailer below and see the potential Rango has.