Humor District

I make it no secret that I’m not a fan of the Oscars.  I’ll go into detail more a little later, but to sum up: it’s clear that the average man does not get a vote.  When’s the last time a movie that John & Jane Q. Public actually paid to see got nominated?  If the Dark Knight can’t get a nod, what will?  But seeing as how it’s award season I thought that we could use a mini award ceremony that celebrates a forgotten genre: Action movies.  Sci-fi movies.  Adventure movies that don’t have hobbits in them.  But since I can’t afford a ceremony, it looks like this list will have to do.

1) Best Ass-Kicker – Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine)

I literally stared at my computer forever trying to make this choice, that’s how competitive it was.  In the end it came down to a simple body count.  So while I wouldn’t want to challenge any of these dudes to a life and death brawl, Wolverine has bagged the most bodies of the group, therefore he has kicked the most ass.  Sometimes it’s that simple.

Nominees: Snake Eyes (G.I. Joe), Bryan Mills (Taken), Rorschach (Watchmen), Razio (Ninja Assassin)

2) Best Villain – Mary Lee Johnston (Precious)

I know that Precious is not an action movie or anything of the sort, but to be frank about it…action villains were lame this year.  Maybe Joker set the bar too high, I don’t know, but the bottom line is no villains this year struck fear into the hearts of the audience…except Mary.  That b**** was cold.  I mean cold.  I’d pick her in a fight over nerdy ass Cobra Commander any day of the week.

Nominees: The Fallen (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), Col. Hans Landa (Inglorious Basterds), Viktor (Underworld: Rise of the Lycans), Jennifer (Jennifer’s Body)

3) Best Heroine – Baroness (G.I. Joe)

Yes, I am aware that the Baroness was the villain for the majority of the movie, but frankly she was the most interesting part of G.I. Joe and again…where were my bad ass girls at in 2009?  The truth is that the Baroness was a heroine all along, she just couldn’t be who she was meant to be because she was being controlled by some guy, and what girl hasn’t been there before?  In the end, she broke free of her controlling masculine — and I use the term loosely — counterpart and kicked a lot of ass along the way.  That’s a heroine to me.

Nominees: Ginormica (Monster vs. Aliens), Scarlet (G.I. Joe), Silk Spectre II (Watchmen)

4) Best Hero – Bryan Mills (Taken)

First you have to understand what makes a hero: putting the needs of others above your own.  Bryan was the only hero that dove head first into danger for the sake of his daughter.  He didn’t sleep or eat or rest until he found her.  He left no stone unturned.  Oh and the key point in all this, he succeeded.  No sequel necessary to tie up loose ends.

Nominees: Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Rorschach (Watchmen), Duke (G.I. Joe), James T. Kirk (Star Trek)

5) Best Journey – X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine was hands down the best start to finish journey of this years movies.  It’s starts with him in the Weapon X program, then he quits, suffers the repercussion and goes on a quest for revenge.  You learned everything you needed to know about Wolverine life before the X-Men in one movie.  And what an incredible ride it was.

Nominees: Star Trek, District 9, Taken, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Fast & Furious

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Since we are right around the Pro-Bowl and the NBA All-Star announcements, it seems like as good a time as any to announce the all hero team of 2010 (consisting of movies released in 2009).  These are the big screen heroes who shined the brightest at their positions as well as those who just barely missed the cut.

1) Best Vigilante – Dominic Torretto (Fast & Furious)

If there was any hero in 2009 who played by his own rules, it was definitely Dom.  He robbed oil trucks, “cheated” in street racing and questioned underlings by hanging them out a window.  And all this for the tragic purpose of avenging the death of his one true love.

Reserves: Wolverine (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Bryan Mills (Taken), Lt. Aldo Raine (Inglorious Basterds)

2) Best Lawman/Soldier – Optimus Prime (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)

Look he lead a army didn’t he?  That makes him a soldier whether he’s human or not.  And who had a better military campaign than Optimus Prime in 2009?  His fight in the woods was by far the best action sequence of the year.  He even kicked death’s ass.

Reserves: Duke (G.I. Joe), John Connors (Terminator Salvation), Jake Sully (Avatar)

3) Best Boyish Hero – Larry Daley (Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian)

Larry is hardly a boy, but certainly boyish.  I mean his best friends are talking action figures for crying out loud.  Even though it was a sequel Larry came from the dimmest place.  I mean yea, he was rich, but he certainly seemed pathetic selling crazy glow-in-the dark flashlights and losing the respect of his son when he knows deep down he’d rather be doing what he loves.  He was trapped under the thumb of society.  If that’s not boyish, I don’t know what is.

Reserves: Sam Witwicky (Transformers), Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince), Ginormica (Monster vs. Aliens)

4) Best Damsel – Kim Mills (Taken)

Kim is probably the only true damsel on this list.  After all she did absolutely nothing to help herself.  In fact, she even went out of her way — out of the country — to make it happen despite her father’s many warnings.  And even after her rescue, she learned nothing, electing to ride off with her enabling mother and step-father leaving her father to hold to bag, which almost guarantees it’s going to happen again.  That’s a true damsel.

Reserves: Mikaela Banes (Transformers), Brandi (Observe & Report), Bella Swan (Twilight: New Moon)

5) Best Romeo – Sherlock Homes (Sherlock Holmes)

Sherlock has that playboy swagger, whether or not it works on every girl — which it usually does, it’s just that some girls know it’s working — it’s still magic.  And of course inversely, he doesn’t seem to be phased one bit when they resist him.  That’s the mark of a true Romeo.

Reserves: Lucian (Underworld: Rise of the Lycans), Derek Charles (Obsessed), Brian O’Conner (Fast & Furious)

And now that we know the players, next up comes the winners of the awards of best hero and villain of 2009 as well as a few other awards!

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter