Humor District

How do you make a remake worth while?  You take a film classic, add a black cast…stir…wait 2 hours and presto!  You’ve got a fresh new look on an old Hollywood favorite.  Sometimes it doesn’t work out (see the Honeymooners), but other times it’s movie gold.  These are such times.  Happy Black History Month!

5) Death at a Funeral

Original movie: A British version.  Nothing against our neighbors in language, but a lot of the humor just went over my head.  Still a hilarious movie, but lacking that Apple pie feel.

The black version: And so enter these proud Americans:  Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence, Danny Glover, James Marsden, Tracy Morgan, Zoe Saldana, Luke Wilson, Regina King…okay stop, stop, stop.  We’d be here all day if I named all the great actors.  The point is, black funerals are crazy enough as is…if you put this many all-star comedians together, the only Death at a Funeral is going to be of laughter.

4) The Princess and the Frog

Original movie: Technically it was called the Frog Prince, but it was still about a Frog and the Princess.  I don’t recall any movies made about the Frog Prince, but it certainly was a popular fairy tale.

The black version: A mildly successful Disney flick moved out of the forest and into the magical swamps of New Orleans.  I haven’t seen it yet, but The Princess and the Frog does inspire that southern comfort feeling.  No not that southern comfort.

Original movie: Kung-Fu theater.  Pretty much anything with Bruce Lee in it was the inspiration for the Last Dragon.  Bruce Lee was one of the greatest martial arts actors of all time and I don’t know anyone in a urban neighborhood that isn’t a fan.

The black version:  Which gives birth to Bruce LeRoy!  Sho’nuff!  I know this isn’t exactly a remake of Enter the Dragon, but the Last Dragon pretty much put a African American spin on the entire kung-fu genre so I’m adding it anyway.  And the soundtrack?  Killer.

2) Bad Boys

Original movie: Bulletproof Hearts.  Most people don’t realize that Bad Boys was written for Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey.  I think I speak for all parties involved when I say, I’m glad this version never got made.

The black version: Will Smith and Martin Lawrence were obviously the more hilarious choices. And the more cop-ish choice.  But considering Bad Boys is my absolute favorite movie of all times, I don’t think I need to elaborate anymore.

So what could be a better black-casting (I just made up a new adjective) than my favorite movie of all times?  Well…

1) The Wiz

Original movie: The Wizard of Oz.  A definite classic.  I can’t speak ill of the Wizard of Oz at all.  But wasn’t it a little juvenile?

The black version: Are you freaking kidding me?  I’m sorry but Judy Garland — as wonderful as she was — don’t got nothing on Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.  The music was phenomenal.  Seriously sick.  Even though the Wiz scared the bejesus out of me when I was younger and I used to have nightmares about those motorcycle riding monkey birds, I still can’t stop easin’ on down the road.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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As told to me by the ghosts of Hollywood past, present and future.

Past: Hulk Hogan is the cause of movies like the Tooth Fairy.

When wrestling icon Hulk Hogan signed on to star in Mr. Nanny in 1993 he cursed action stars for eternity.  Now any meathead who can bench press the director is obligated to sell his testicles if he wants to “cross over” and attract a young female audience to combine with his massive male audience.  This must be what Vin Diesel (the Pacifier) and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (The Tooth Fairy) believe.  Right?

But my question is, does the same work in reverse?  Could you ever have a movie starring a domesticated female who suddenly finds herself the go-to-hero on a bloody battlefield surviving by using techniques she learned in the kitchen?  Could Renee Zellweger or Carrie Brad…Sarah Jessica Parker go from shopaholics to rage-a-holics?  Let’s all pray they try.

Present: Disney will never cast a black princess again.

Before the Princess and the Frog struggled to break the century mark, the last Disney animated adventure to gross less than 100 million was Meet the Robinson’s in March of 2007.  In that span, Bolt, Ratatouille, Wall-E, Up and A Christmas Carol all top 9 figures.  So a dog, rat, robot and a couple of geezers are all more bankable than a black princess, who by the way turns into a slimy, ugly frog.

Maybe it’s because of all the “hey come see Disney’s first black princess” advertising.  People don’t like to be sold.  I think if they’d advertised, “hey come watch this princess adventure with your daughters” the audience would have figure out she was black on their own.  But anyway, America has spoken.  Black President, yes we can.  Black princess, no not yet.

Future: NBC will never be a ratings juggernaut with it’s current executives.

After NBC punted Conan O’Brien on 2nd down there is no way they are getting the ratings-ball back.  And I’m not just talking about at 11:30 either.  This clearly shows that no one at that network with any pull has vision or balls, two essentials in building a winning team.  After 5 years of planning, yanking O’Brien after a couple of months is spineless.  Anybody remember the old saying, “no guts, no glory”?

This explains why they are constantly one step behind in breakthrough programming and cheating off the other networks papers (see: America’s Got Talent and the Listener as prime examples).  And let’s pretend for a second that they “had” to cancel Conan because of low ratings.  Are you telling me they didn’t see any holes or warning signs during that 5 year span?  If not, someone should probably reevaluate their career choice.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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