Humor District

If you grew up during the eighties, or even the early nineties, you are familiar with some of the greatest cartoons to ever be made. These cartoons include He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Transformers, and, of course, Thundercats. He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was already revamped for the new millennium, Transformers is a successful film franchise, and now Thundercats is being brought back by Cartoon Network. This is the first new Thundercats series in many years, and no, Avatar does not count as a Thundercats spinoff.

Cartoon Network recently premiered the trailer for the new Thundercats series, and it looks amazing. There is definitely an anime style to the characters, which may or may not be preferred by some, but it cannot be denied that this series looks epic. The music definitely helps as well. It will be great to see Lion-O back in action, along with Panthro and Tygra. I also predict a new generation will be helped to puberty and some confusing thoughts by Cheetara, who is drawn about as slutty as any cat/woman hybrid I’ve seen on Cartoon Network. The only possible downside is apparently Snarf has been included in this new series. Oh well, it still looks good. Enjoy the trailer below.

The Dark Knight was a ridiculously successful movie, both financially and critically. Christopher Nolan’s work on the Batman franchise has created a huge fan following and a great demand for another installment in the Batman saga.  Christopher Nolan has been confirmed as the director of the as of yet untitled Batman 3 movie, but so far that is about the only fact that has surfaced about the movie. On the other hand, there has been no shortage of rumors about the next movie. It seems that everybody with access to a message board has some inside connection to the movie and is revealing some big twist. The problem is these revealed twists are stupid as hell, and nobody in their right mind would believe them. These are the most ridiculous Batman 3 rumors that can be found on the web.*

Christian Bale Out?

Christian Bale has cemented himself in the minds of fans as the ideal actor for Batman. He has put on great performances as the caped crusader in Christopher Nolan’s first two Batman films, and there is no reason that he wouldn’t do the same. Nonetheless, a rumor appeared stating that Sam Worthington would be replacing Christian Bale as the dark knight. The two co-starred in Terminator Salvation, but that seems to be about the only connection. Sam Worthington is a capable action movie star, but there is no way that Christian Bale would be replaced as Batman by anyone, not at this point in the franchise.

Two-Face Lives

Before you read on, know that this paragraph contains a spoiler alert about the ending of The Dark Knight. If you aven’t seen The Dark Knight, take this time to go watch it. Preferably on Blu-Ray. Now that you have done that, you know that Harvey Dent/Two-Face died at the end of The Dark Knight. Or did he? Many rumor mongers have said Two-Face will return since no casket was seen at his public funeral. With that said, Aaron Eckhart and Christopher Nolan have both publicly stated in numerous interviews that Two-Face is dead. Even the script for The Dark Knight confirms this: “Dent lies at the bottom of the hole, his neck broken…DEAD.”

Here Comes Robin

Shia LaBeouf has emerged as a big name in Hollywood, mostly for his work on Michael Bay’s Transformers series. He is also well known for being a terrible addition to the Indiana Jones franchise. Now rumors have appeared that he will be assuming another sidekick role as Robin. The problem with this is Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale have both voiced their disdain for Robin as a character. Bale went so far as to say he would not be involved with a Batman movie that also had a Robin. The whole feel of Christopher Nolan’s Batman is far too dark for a kid sidekick to be involved.

Villains, Villains, Villains

There have been many rumors about which villains will appear in the next Batman movie. Some of the more ridiculous rumors have Cher playing Catwoman, Eddie Murphy playing the Riddler, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing the Penguin. Others have Megan Fox as Catwoman and Johnny Depp or Dane Cook as the Riddler. Not only are some/most of these rumored casting choices terrible, the script hasn’t even been finished yet. At this point it is still a mystery which villains will be in the movie, much less which actors will be playing those villains.

Batman 3-D

One rumor that as been picking up steam is that the next Batman movie will be filmed entirely in 3-D. This actually does make some sense, as 3-D movies are a bit of a craze in Hollywood at the moment. Another benefit of 3-D movies is that tickets sell for more. Still, the whole 3-D craze is fairly gimmicky, and Christopher Nolan has never been one to rely on gimmicks. It is more likely that Christopher Nolan would film the entire movie in IMAX, like certain scenes in The Dark Knight. Even that is highly doubtful though.

*This list is subject to change as stupid rumors are proven to be true.

Aliens are pretty popular in movies, as shown by the success of movies like Alien. It is entertaining to think about what other life could be in the universe, whether it is hunting us down like in Predator, or showing children the power of its finger like in E.T. Sometimes these alien characters become such a part of our lives that we forget that they are aliens at all. These are those aliens who have become so well known that the fact they are aliens is often overlooked. We can be very accepting towards fictional characters when we want to be.

Transformers

The first thing people think of when they hear Transformers is “I want one”. The next is the fact that they are robots in disguise, and those disguises are awesome cars and fighter jets. The key term there is “robots”. Aliens are not mentioned anywhere in the catchphrase. Yet the Transformers are exactly that, coming from the planet of Cybertron. It is stated in the movies that Transformers are aliens, but their robotic nature overshadows their alien heritage.

Superman

Superman has starred in many movies as the purveyor of truth, justice, and the American way. Some would say Superman is as American as apple pie, especially when he was played by Christopher Reeve. The truth of the matter is Superman is not only an alien, but an illegal alien. He was launched in a rocket from his dying homeworld of Krypton to land on earth when he was a baby. Didn’t fill out the proper paperwork or anything. Superman has been such an iconic hero that we tend to forget the fact he is an alien altogether, at least until he messes up.

Luke Skywalker

Luke Skywalker is a strange and alien creature. If you remember the opening to Star Wars, it begins “A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away”. It is safe to assume that since the story is set in a galaxy that is not the Milky Way and none of the planets are called earth, Luke Skywalker is not from earth. Therefore, Luke Skywalker is an alien. It is hard to think of him as an alien when he looks so normal and other characters like Chewbacca and Yoda are so obviously aliens. That does not change the fact that Luke Skywalker, and even Han Solo are alien creatures who must have had similar evolutionary paths to ours.

Spider-Man’s Costume

First off I would like to apologize for bringing up Spider-Man 3. I’m sure you were trying to forget having seen it and Tobey Maguire’s dancing. Spider-Man himself was not an alien, he was just a normal guy who got bit by a radioactive spider and developed superpowers. Just your everyday earthling stuff. It was his costume in Spider-Man 3 that was an alien. We usually think of aliens as at least vaguely humanoid creatures, not a pair of blue jeans, so it is hard to think of Spider-Man’s costume as a living sentient entity. It is harder to think that living alien entity was all up in Spider-Man’s crack.

It is a known fact that every kid who has ever existed has gone through some point in their life when they were obsessed with dinosaurs. If you add dinosaurs to anything, it automatically makes it better. Let’s take a look at some examples. Transformers + Dinosaur = Grimlock, the coolest Transformer ever. Douchey Guy Pooping + Dinosaur = Great Scene in Jurassic Park. Me + Dinosaur = Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy. I think you get the point. To further back this up, let’s take a look at some great movies about dinosaurs.

Jurassic Park

When did you first learn the word velociraptor? If you learned it before Jurassic Park came out you are either a paleontologist or a liar. Paleontologists are too busy searching for fossils while daydreaming about riding upon sauropods to be reading this article, so you are a liar. That is the kind of impact that Jurassic Park had on our society, it taught us all a new vocabulary word that has been seared into our collective conscious. Also, it had that aforementioned scene where the pooping guy got eaten by a tyrannosaurus. The dinosaurs were lifelike enough for us to buy into the movie and actually wonder how screwed we would be if a pack of velociraptors hunted us down.

The Land Before Time

We all remember the first time we were introduced to Littlefoot, Petrie, and the rest of the prehistoric little rascals. This series remains a classic despite the terrible sequels that have been made. We even grew to love that gruff old Cera. What we had here was the perfect combination for a young audience. Kids are boring, they can’t do much, therefore they love to see other fictional kids having awesome adventures and live vicariously through them. Also, kids love dinosaurs. Seriously, if you ask a group of 10 5 year olds what they want to be when they grow up, 9 of them will say some sort of dinosaur and shun the loser who said a lawyer. The Land Before Time had kids who were also dinosaurs having adventures. It was all of our dreams come true. Plus we were all kind of curious what would happen if Littlefoot and Cera did it. You know there was some romantic tension there.

We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story

After The Land Before Time came out, we didn’t think it could get any better. Well guess what, it did. We got a sort of grown up version of The Land Before Time with We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story. Rather than having kids live out their fantasies with dinosaurs, We’re Back had kids who were friends with talking dinosaurs. This was so much better, we still got our adventure, we could tell dinosaurs what to do, and we still had opposable thumbs in our fantasies. In this movie, we also got to see what happens when the dinosaurs turn against, a little sneak peak at Jurassic Park if you will. Of course in this version our bonds of friendship with the dinosaurs were so strong we were able to talk them out of a murderous rampage. There is only one way this could possibly be improved on.

Transformers 3: Grimlock Eats Sam Witwicky’s Parents

This movie has not been made yet, but I am currently sending in numerous manuscripts to Michael Bay in order to make this a reality. This could become the greatest dinosaur movie of all time because of the shocking twist: the dinosaur is also an alien robot. That is known as the trifecta right there. Imagine the opening scene with the Witwicky parents making awkward comments about old people sex or something like they usually do. All of a sudden Grimlock tears the roof off of their house and just swallows them whole. We are trying to keep the PG-13 rating, or else he would bite them in half. You’ll have to wait until the unrated DVD comes out for that version. The rest of the movie would be Grimlock destroying everything, even Optimus Prime would not be able to contain Grimlock’s primal fury. Shia LaBeouf runs around with Megan Fox trying not to get stepped on and is essentially useless. Somehow Megan Fox’s shirt gets wet. Closing scene: Megan Fox is standing on top of Grimlock’s head as he gives out a triumphant roar. He stands upon the burning wreckage of some well known building as there is a gigantic explosion in the background. Megan Fox’s shirt is still wet. That is what is known as Oscar material. Seriously, Michael Bay, write me back.

G.I. Joe

Back In My Day: G.I. Joe cartoons were essentially one giant commercial for mobile command fortresses that turned into boats that turned into wallets and other ridiculous things. They were effective commercials too, eschewing all traces of a plot and piling in as many action scenes involving the toy of the week as possible.

The Present Situation: Well, the whole plot thing hasn’t improved much with time. The cast was made smaller for the movie to cut down on racist portrayals of minorities and then the Joes were turned into Iron Man. On the plus side, after years of training Cobra henchmen are now able to hit the broad side of a barn when they shoot. I don’t know what other redeeming qualities there are now that I’m too old to go to the toy store to pick up a Wallace “Ripcord” Weems in Delta-6 Accelerator Suit action figure.

X-Men

Back In My Day: X-Men was a series that started out very strong. Mutants beating each other up was the epitome of entertainment. Then all sorts of dystopian futures and alternate timelines were introduced and my interest in the series started to wane. Those early episodes were awesome though.

The Present Situation: Much like the cartoon, the X-Men movies started off strong. The quality of the movies have gone downhill since then, with the spin-off Wolverine movie being quite disappointing. We can only hope that the X-Men: First Class prequel being planned will rekindle our nostalgia for mutants everywhere.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Back In My Day: The heroes in a half shell introduced me to my love of pizza. They also introduced me to my brief love of homemade nunchaku before I smacked myself in the shins. It was my dream to be a ninja amphibian who hung out with news reporters in sewers eating pizza. They were truly one of the most lighthearted groups of radical adventurers to ever grace the screen.

The Present Situation: TMNT brought the turtles back together but decided the lighthearted nature of the cartoon was too childish. Instead there was the tale of a family drifted apart and Raphael being a jerk. Luckily the movie preserved my childhood memories by keeping pizza references and having the turtles stay radical. Cowabunga!

Transformers

Back In My Day: As a kid with a short attention span I couldn’t get enough of my Transformers cartoons. I loved to see block shaped cars turn into block shaped robots with block shaped guns.  Whether it was watching Starscream ineptly try and overthrow Megatron for power every other episode or seeing Optimus Prime beating up other robots I always entertained. Then they introduced the Dinobots and Grimlock. It doesn’t get any better.

The Present Situation: The Transformers have really gotten streamlined since Michael Bay took over the franchise, but not much else has changed. The robots are looking a lot less boxy, the names of the human characters are slightly less ridiculous and there are more explosions then I remember, but those are the only real differences. Starscream is still a little weasel, Optimus Prime is still the man, and the jokes are still juvenile. I hope Grimlock gets introduced in future installments, but for now I’ll settle for Megan Fox.

Batman

Back In My Day: Batman was a grim avenger of the night, swooping from the shadows to stop evildoers. The Batman cartoon was quite possibly the highlight of my childhood, and that was before I found out Luke Skywalker was the voice of Joker.

The Present Situation: Batman has grown up with me. Like a fine wine he has gotten better with age. Excellent performances by Christian Bale and Heath Ledger have made sure this is one childhood memory that won’t get tarnished.

Nothing short of Awesome!

I just wish I even had the slight bit ounce of talent that these crazy mashup/remix geeks have. Oh and do yourself another favour and the view the Trailer to End All Trailers Mashup as well.

In no particular order:

Not Easily Broken, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Push, Fired Up, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Watchmen, Phoebe in Wonderland, I Love You, Man, 12 Rounds, Adventureland
Fast & Furious, Hannah Montana: The Movie, State Of Play, Fighting, The Soloist, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Star Trek, Angels & Demons, Terminator Salvation, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Easy Virtue, Up, Land Of The Lost, My Life in Ruins, Away We Go, The Taking of Pelham 123, The Proposal, Year One, Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, The Hurt Locker, Public Enemies, I Love You, Beth Cooper, Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince, (500) Days Of Summer, The Ugly Truth, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Julie & Julia, Paper Heart, The Time Traveler’s Wife, Inglourious Basterds, Taking Woodstock, 9, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, The Imformant!, Jennifer’s Body, Love Happens, Fame, Whip It, Zombieland, Law Abiding Citizen, Where the Wild Things Are, Amelia, The Men Who Stare at Goats, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Sunshine Cleaning, The Young Victoria, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, Old Dogs, The Princess and The Frog, Everybody’s Fine, Avatar, Nine, Sherlock Holmes, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, A Serious Man. e!